This song reminds me of you

What I’m listening to: Pentatonix; PTX Vol. IV – Classics (dem harmonies, though!)

 

 

Hiya pals,

I hope you’re all well. I’ve had a lovely weekend of work and general social merriment. I’ve even found time to start reading a new book after not having read anything since April (we can safely say that my aim of reading 2 books a month went out the window, ay) This book though, I’m in it hook, line and sinker. It’s called ‘I am missing’ by Tim Weaver about a guy that wakes up on a beach with no memory trying to find out who he is. I’m intrigued.

Anyway, today’s post is about the best therapy – music. I have posted before about how much I love it, my history with it and even my Desert Island Discs.

I always have and always will believe music is one of the few things that can bring people together. I have so many memories tied to songs; both good and bad memories. They are both as important as each other.

 

There are also songs that remind me of certain people – the other day in the car I was listening to Magic (my absolute fave station, no shame) and no less than four songs came on in a row that reminded of my best friend, Rachel.

  1. Hold on by Wilson Phillips – it’s ‘our’ song
  2. Despacito – Luis Fonzi and Daddy Yankee – anything Spanish we tie to each other as we became pals when we lived in Valencia
  3. I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas – it was the soundtrack to so many nights out in Valencia.
  4. Fast Car by Tracy Chapman – one of Rachel’s favourite songs (if not her favourite) so it always makes me think of her when I see her.

N.B when I say the other day I can mean anything from 6 months ago until yesterday

Then because I’m self-centred I wanted to know what songs remind other people of me so I asked.

Here’s what they said…

 

Sophie

Mulan – Reflection, because I think you’re still trying to find yourself

Frozen – Let it Go, because we ran around Paris singing this (much to Leanne’s embarrassment)

I’ll make a man out of you from Mulan reminds me of Sophia because we both love it. As soon as one of us says ‘Let’s get down to business’ that’s it, get ready for the show.

 

Leanne

Brown Sugar – The Rolling Stones; “I don’t know why, just ‘cause”

(I have no idea how Leanne’s brain works as we have never listened to this song together)

Anything Ed Sheeran because he is Leanna’s favourite. Also, Elvis ‘Can’t help falling love’ reminds me of Sophia and Leanna because it is ‘their’ song and it’s so cute!

 

Rachel

Hold on – Wilson Phillips “because it’s our song”

I Gotta Feeling – The Black Eyed Peas “because Valencia”

Anything by Jason Derulo “because you used to be obsessed with him” (It’s true, sorrynotsorry)

Carlos Baute – Te Regalo – this song is sooooo cheesy but we both love it

 

Aside from the ones I mentioned earlier, anything UB40. They’re her fave.

 

Diane

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Ray “You were sad for such a long time and it makes me smile to think how far you’ve come”

 

How nice is that? Thanks, Dalbs. Mine for Diane are Amy Winehouse – Rehab and Rick Astley ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ , we spent sooooo many afternoons sorting the delivery out dancing and singing to these songs. Oh and Sugababes ‘About You Now’ that was another one we danced to.

Amy

I see the light – Tangled “your fave”

Do it like a dude – Jessie J “you put it on a CD for me when we were on placement together and sang it allll the time in the car”

I was made for loving you – Tori Kelly and Ed Sheeran “you suggested it to me for our wedding and it made it on our wedding playlist”

Girls by Marina and the Diamonds because Ams said it was written about me and I’ve always remembered that, Ho Hey by the Lumineers because it was another song at her wedding and also 5,6,7,8 by Steps because she loves a line dance…

Charlie

Paolo Nutini – Candy “I don’t know why, it just does”

Anything by Taylor Swift “because of our epic singalongs in the car”

Taylor Swift, for exactly the same reason plus ‘Dreams’ by Fleetwood Mac (such a tune)

 

Byng

Walkashame – Meghan Trainor “reminds me of the car ride to Norfolk for Amy’s wedding

Love on Top – Beyonce “we listened to it loads when we stayed in London”

 

Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepson. If you are ever lucky enough to meet Byng ask her about this song and Milan. That’s all I’m gonna say.

 

Jade

Happy – Pharrell Williams “every time it comes on my mom says ‘Oh I miss Michaela’ “

Let her go – Passenger / Best Song Ever – One Direction “because you listened to Passenger loads on the road trip and drove me mad with the One Direction one on the trip too.

It’s not my fault, Harry Styles is my one true love he just doesn’t know it yet. The song that always reminds me of Jade is Ryan Bingham ‘The Weary Kind’, I remember we were front row for one of his shows in Kings Cross and we both cried at this song and he cried too!

I know for sure I asked other people but in a move that is completely out of character I cannot find where I wrote them down and I have a habit of clearing all my chats so I can’t even go back and check. My bad.

Send them to me again, sure.

I’ll try not to lose them this time.

Xoxo

Micks

I been runnin’

What I am listening to – Jack Garrett ‘Water’ and ‘Follow the sun’ by Caroline Pennell are currently on a loop.

HI FRIENDS,

I am currently sat in my bed, I’ve been here all-day, sleeping and thinking on and off. A rare day off when I have no plans I wasn’t really going to do much more. I have just had food shoved down my throat, as I hadn’t eaten all day today and most of yesterday and have just finished watching ‘To The Bone’ on Netflix.

The weather had also added to my want to not leave my house. You gotta love the great British summer. I feel I may be one of the weird ones though, I quite enjoy a heavy downpour; I find watching the rain calming.

Today I am thinking about running. Not as in the physical act of running – which I have not done for months (must.try.harder) and has contributed to my turning into a bigger lard than ever – but the running away we do in day-to-day life. Do you run away from stuff? I know I do, all the time. From people and problems. Uncomfortable situations. Embarrassing ones. It’s easier to be alone, it’s easier to keep to yourself. It’s easier to ignore things. It’s easier, but probably not particularly healthy.

I mean, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realise that running away and avoidance doesn’t help anyone or anything. Running away is an escape mechanism we use because we think we’re protecting ourselves.

 

“Ignorance is bliss”

 

but is it?

The issue you’re avoiding will still be there until you deal with it. If you’re really lucky, like me, it will sit in your subconscious and you’ll dream about it. We end up backing ourselves into a corner until we have no choice but to deal with it. How many people do you know that are in relationships not because they’re in love with each other anymore but because it’s easier to stay as they are? It’s comfortable so why rock the boat? How many of us stay in jobs we hate because the fear of failing at what we really want to do is too embarrassing?

I guess what I’m trying to say, and remind myself, is that until we acknowledge what we’re running from, until we muster up the courage to deal with what we’re running from it isn’t going to go away. It will just be a continuous circle in our lives. Similar situations will crop up, we’ll think and feel the same things over, over, over and over again until the day we decide enough is enough. We need to consciously decide to break the habit.

Facing these issues, these fears will help us grow as people. It may not be comfortable, it may be scary but it is essential. We can’t keep running from our pain and hope that when we stop and look over our shoulders it will be gone.

I’m not saying that I have the answers to finding this bravery, I just know I need to find it. So if you have the answers, send them my way.

 

Cheers all the best,

 

Micks xoxo

 

You can’t run away from your problems. They will just chase you and get bigger and bigger. If you stand and face them, they will shrivel and disappear.” -W.H. Fordham

Thank you for being a friend.

Hi guys and dolls,

I hope this finds you all well. I’m currently sat on my bed in my pants, half singing/ half crying along to Maren Morris (totes emosh, hun) and eating Marmite on toast for dinner because I clearly suck at adulting.

In the last post I shared I spoke about how life had been a bit of a shitter lately,  well my very best friend in the whole world knew I’d been having a shit time and decided to book me a wee treat to cheer me up. Last night Rachel and I had a cracking night at Komedia in Brighton. Their Sunday night comedy club, dinner and drinks was JUST what the doctor ordered. We walked out of there with tears in our eyes and stitches in our sides.

I’ve dedicated a post to Rachel before, and I can pretty much guarantee that I will again. She is just THE BEST. When people have asked me to describe her I say she’s just like me but SO MUCH BETTER. I’m sorry for the shouty capitals but she’s just my favourite. It’s a very rare thing to feel understood and accepted for all your sides, some of which are really not pretty and she’s never made me feel any less of a person for not being so completely imperfect. Rachel is one of a handful of people who I will happily talk to at anytime, always via text because not only does she understand how much I detest talking on the phone (WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS) but she hates it just as much.

THANK YOU, RACHY-RACH. YOU DA BESTEST.

As I am a big geek I then started Googling (what did we do before google?) different types of friends and it appears a lot of people have a lot of opinions on the different types of friends you can have.

Quite famously (well, in my friendship groups anyway) I once upset my favourite Irishman by saying we were acquaintances at a time he thought we were legit friends (I’m nothing if honest). He’s still bitter about it to this day – MARK SEWELL, IF YOU’RE READING THIS I’M SORRY I’M NOT SORRY. I LOVE YOU LIKE A BROTHER NOW THOUGH OK. YOU WILL BE MY FRIEND UNTIL I’M DEAD. AND THEN WHEN I’M DEAD I’LL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU BECAUSE ANNOYING YOU IS MY FAVOURITE THING TO DO.

Back to my point though, I think a lot of people throw the word ‘friend’ around too easily these days. I actually put a lot on that word. Maybe I’m overthinking it but maybe I’m not. I like to keep things neat and organised so I box people in to either ‘Internet friend’, ‘Friend of a friend’, ‘work friend’, ‘ acquaintance’, ‘friend’ , ‘BEST PALS’. I always say I don’t have a lot of friends, even though when I list them I do probably have more than average. It just feels like I don’t sometimes because all of my friends are so scattered over the UK and various other parts of the world.

I am very good at staying in touch though; I will always make the effort with those I want in my life. Though don’t get me twisted it is a two-way street and if it’s me doing all the reaching, I’m out.

The older I’m getting the more I’m appreciating my friends that are chilled. I have no time for the drama anymore. I want low effort relationships. If you’re too much hassle, SEE YA PAL. I also find myself listening to my sisters more as I get older. They have told me before that they think people aren’t good for me which, of course, at the time I am completely shocked and offended by. In hindsight though, they are usually completely correct. I need low-key, like me.

 So to my best best best friends, thanks for always making sure it’s a two-way street, for making the effort and letting me moan and vent and be sad and perfectly imperfect around you. I hope I do the same for you. Thanks for not being extra. I actually like you, guys. Like, a lot. I’m sorry I’m not around more. It’s because whilst I love you, I hate people.

Thanks for putting up with me and my brutally honest self. Thanks for letting me sing Disney in your face one minute and then debate politics with you the next. Thanks for telling me when I’m right (you know I lap that shit up) but, more importantly, thanks for telling me when I’m wrong.  Thanks for being there to discuss the really important things in life-like “Do giraffes get neck ache?”. You know I would go to the ends of the earth for you, especially if you’re meeting me there with Tequila. I hope I make you feel equally spesh (I’m not so good at expression soppy emotional shit, so I’m gonna stop now before it just becomes stupidly sarcastic and insincere). You’re all on at least a 3 year sentence so I must be doing something right?!

 BIG LOVE, FRIENDS.

 AND THANKS.

xoxo Micks

 

 

WAKE UP

The last month or so has been tough emotionally and it has served a reminder of my own mortality. There has been a number of people passing away around me; their ages across the spectrum and most of them a massive shock.

I was at the funeral of one of those people last week and whilst I was sat there listening to his eulogy and hearing his son speak about what an amazing man his dad was, something clicked. It almost shook me awake to my own life and to how much I have to be grateful for; to all the wonderful people I have in my life and how I perhaps have been very selfish with my time and energy – what would my last memory of them be if they passed? What was theirs be of me if I did?

 

I do realise this sounds very morbid and is probably a bit heavy for a Tuesday night but these thoughts have been taking up a lot of space in this little brain of mine for a while so I figured it was best to get it out there and share it.

 

Being completely honest I have been a selfish mother****** lately with my energy and my time. I have been going through a ‘Why me?’ ‘Why is it always me?’ “Why can’t everyone leave me alone, stupid twats’ phase. I don’t throw pity parties often but boy, when I do! WOO! I have not wanted to talk to anyone, let alone be around them. Work is my perfect escape – with a new team in a new location there is no one that knows me personally to care to ask about my life. They just want Michaela the manager, not Michaela the person and that has suited me just fine. I’ve ignored calls, cancelled plans, told people I was busy when I wasn’t just because I wanted to be alone. I am a true Gemini in that there are two sides to me. I am equal parts introvert and extrovert. I love people but also hate them. This last while I’ve kept to myself because it is easier. There has been about 5 people I’ve been genuinely pleased to hear from in the last month – call me an asshole, it’s fine. I have been one.

 

How many of us have found life through death? It’s a shame that it takes something as final and tragic as death to wake us up. To make us realise what a good thing we’ve got going on. It’s a reminder to live life to the fullest because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Truth is, none of us know what is going to happen so why spend your time being anything but happy? Why spend your time being anything but honest? Be kind. Trust Karma will meet those that need it. Don’t settle for any reason. Don’t be afraid to change your mind.

 

The pain and discomfort of grief will follow us everywhere we go – anyone who has lost someone knows this but we can choose everyday what we do with it. We can let it defeat us or let it strengthen us; fall apart for a while, for a day or a week when you need it but remember to pick yourself back up and start again. There is so much more for you to experience. Choose hope every day.

 

Tell the people you love what they mean to you. Hug them. Love them. Treasure them. Give them the one thing above all that they deserve – your time. Try to be grateful for every day; I know I will.

 

“Every day’s a gift, that’s why it’s called the present”

 

xoxo

Desert Island Discs

 

Good morrow to you the reader of this post.

I hope this finds you all well. It is 11:26 on a Saturday morning, I have worked 750 hours this week, stood sodden in a field (ok well, Kew Gardens) whilst finally seeing one of my favourite singers live during the biggest downpour of the week – I think I’m still damp. I now have a weekend off – Halle-bloody-lujah!

This weeks post – as given away by the title – is my desert island discs. Some of you will be familiar with the BBC4 radio show, others the podcast version. I do not listen to Radio 4 (shocking, I know) but I have recently discovered the podcast and it may be my new favourite thing; as I write this I am listening to Russell Brand’s episode.

For those that don’t know the format here’s what it looks like. Each show there is a new castaway, they choose 8 discs they can take with them to a desert island. They then get to chose one over all others that they would save. It then got me to thinking about what my desert island discs would be – it was really effin hard to choose and ask me next week and I may have changed my mind BUT for now here are mine.

 

Paolo Nutini –Candy

I have long been a fan of Paolo. I remember seeing him in a small venue in Camden back in, maybe, 2009 and I was blown away by two things; the voice and the sweat- I have never seen someone sweat that much!

There are so many memories attached to this song and it reminds me of a time when I was truly happy – I didn’t really realise just how happy I was until I wasn’t anymore but this song always makes me smile and takes me back, at least in my head, to that time.

 

Dizzee Rascal – Fix Up, Look Sharp

 What a bad boy tune. This reminds me of being a teenager at school and whilst I wasn’t particularly enamored with school and I don’t have massively fond memories of that time I have always loved this song and I was at school the first time I heard it. Now it’s my go to song when I need to get motivated, as soon as I hear that first ‘Oiiiiii’ I just smile and think YES SON.

 

Andrea Bocelli – Con Te Partiro

Switching it up a tad from grime to classical… this song is just magic. Andrea’s voice is outstanding. It has such a calming effect on me and I cant help but just close my eyes and appreciate it when I hear it. Big up my dad for bringing Andrea into my life.

 

Passenger – Holes

If you have me on social media you’ll know I saw him live for the first time this week. I was soaked to the bone but standing in the middle of Kew Gardens in my own little Passenger filled bubble was the happiest I’ve been in a long while. Holes is my favourite song of his and so you can imagine my delight when he closed the show with this.

For me, this song is all about human resilience. It reminds me that we all have our shit but you gotta just pick yourself up and carry on. It’s a good reminder to not wallow in self pity. “We’ve got holes in heart, yeah we’ve got holes in our lives. Where we’ve got holes, we’ve got holes but we carry on”

 

Christina Perri – I believe

 For someone who seems to constantly question herself and is always a bit confused by life this is a brilliant, almost theme tune. The lyrics are what speak to me more than anything and it’s my go –to song whenever I’ve felt a bit lost or been lost in the haze of mental illness. Those of you that suffer with Mental Health problems know it can totally strip you of your identity and this song always kind of brings me back and reminds me it’s a phase and to just breathe.

 

Perfume Genius – Can’t Help Falling in Love

Everyone knows this song but not everyone knows this version. One of my favourite things is when people send me new music to listen to and my favourite sarcastic ray of sunshine sent me this a year or so ago. It’s now one of my most played songs. I adore it.

 

Kid Cudi – Pursuit of Happiness

 My theme tune. That’s all you need to know.

 

John Lennon – Just Like Starting Over

Surprised? Of course John made the list, it would be wrong to go to a desert island without him. I struggled to pick a song because I actually have a few of his that I would love to take but this one tops the list.

 

The song I would save above all others is Kid Cudi’s Pursuit of Happiness.

 

Kirsty Young (who hosts) also gives all castaways the Bible, the complete work of Shakespeare and one other book of their choice so my book will be a ‘How to play piano’ book. I am always annoyed that I never bothered to pick up and learn how to play.

I did consider Harry Potter but I don’t think a series of books is allowed and I would just become frustrated with the fact I couldn’t finish the series.

 

My Luxury Item would be a piano to go with my book– how cool would it be to go to a desert island for a while and then come back with a new talent?

 

And that’s it.

 

What would your desert island discs be? Tell me do.

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If I didn’t have anxiety.

“I don’t understand why you get like that”

“I don’t know how to act around you when you start behaving weird”

“Just cheer up”

 “Just think about something else”

These are just a few of the things that I have had said to me in recent weeks. Background: I’ve been really struggling with my mental health issues for a few weeks again. This week I had such a big panic attack that I had to leave somewhere to go home early which has not happened to me for years and it really, honestly scared me.

Anxiety is such a smart disorder and no matter how many times I have an attack, they still scare me. It isn’t something you ever get used to. The scariest part is feeling like you can’t breathe – your heart races but you can’t swallow oxygen at all. The thoughts that pop into your head take over and you can’t make them stop. They remind you of everything that is wrong with you – all the mistakes you’ve made and make you worry about the ones you know you will.

I should be celebrating my one year free of happy pills – it was a July 2016 that I took my last citalopram and I haven’t felt the need for them since. Until now. Living life with mental illness is not a smooth journey, there are always going to be bumps in the road. I can go months without any symptoms and go about my business happy as Larry. Then, just like lightning, it comes like a bolt out the blue; I can’t stop it and I cant control it.

It sounds crazy from the outside; I get it’s hard to understand. From the inside, it’s hard to explain. You just need to be patient with me.

When I am having a hard time in my head I very often get to questioning what life would be like without anxiety and depression.

What life would be like not having to feel like I have to explain myself to people I don’t know who think I am rude when I don’t talk to them – I’m not rude, I promise. I’m just socially anxious and don’t know what to say to people I don’t know. I envy those people who are able to talk to anyone, about anything. To whom conversations with strangers are easy.

If I didn’t have anxiety.

If I didn’t have anxiety I wouldn’t automatically go to the worst – I wouldn’t wake up in the morning worrying about the day ahead. I wouldn’t have to cancel plans and miss out on things that I had been so looking forward to.

If I didn’t have anxiety I wouldn’t question myself all the time. I would have better self-esteem. I wouldn’t question my abilities. I wouldn’t question my ability to love and be loved, I wouldn’t feel like I don’t deserve all the good that I have in my life. I would be more a more supportive friend, daughter, aunt, niece.

I would just be content with being me.

I would be able to breathe, really breathe.

As anyone that suffers with anxiety knows, it is not easy. It is a daily battle and we take the good with the bad. If I didn’t have anxiety maybe life would be easier, but then maybe I wouldn’t know how much I am able to overcome. My resilience might be lower.

Maybe my anxiety makes me, me?

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Food Glorious Food.

Good morning, Sunday!

How are we all? My week was a bit hit and miss, made better by friends and family that are always helping me along. This morning I woke up at 4.45am (yay) but managed to force myself back to sleep until 9am. NINE AM. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. So that was Sunday’s first win. The second was the banging bacon and egg sandwich that I made myself for breakfast. They say all good things come in three’s so here’s to the next win…

Whilst I was waiting for my bacon to cook I thought about all those people who make it through life without the taste of bacon. How much must that suck? Like, how’d do people make it through the life without a good bacon sandwich? Beats me. I then got to thinking about the foods I definitely couldn’t live without.

 

I love food. If you’ve seen the size of my arse you will absolutely know this is the truth. I love looking at food, talking about food, eating food. When I was younger I was quite a fussy eater. When I was 3 I was hit by a car and had to stay in hospital, the only thing the nurses could get me to eat was marmite on toast. The older I’ve got, the more experimental I have got with my food choices and now I will eat most things. I’m not massive fan of red meat, I dislike beetroots and cannot eat anything that still looks like an animal – my friend Jade takes great pleasure in eating these foods in front of me. We were in New York City together back in 2013 and she ate a fish that still had it’s head attached (she didn’t eat the head, obvs). Fast forward a couple years and we’re visiting Martha’s Vineyard and she’s chowing down on a lobster in front of me. The look of horror on my face… she still laughs at it. I’ll eat fish and meat but it cannot resemble the animal.

Anyway, moving on from those traumatic memories, if I was to pick one type of food that was my favourite it would be Mexican. No contest. I’m not sure if that makes me super basic (Taco Tuesday, anyone?) but if it does I am ok with that. If you ever find yourself in Montrose, CA there is a banging Mexican café/ takeaway place called Tortas Mexico. I dream of their refried beans. I’m salivating just thinking about it.

 

I also really enjoy sushi. Has to be good sushi though, fresh. Not sushi that has been swirling around on a conveyor belt for an hour before it gets to you. I’m just saying.

 

Individually though, these are the foods I couldn’t live without

BACON – Obvs. It’s just the best. A bacon sarnie with a healthy dollop of ketchup, you can’t go wrong. If you ever have to wake me up (a dangerous situation to put yourself in) wake me up with promise of bacon and I’ll get over my grumps quicker than normal.

AVOCADOS – The best fruit out there and so versatile! Smother it on toast, slice it up in a salad, mush it up for guacamole. Green never tasted so good.

CHEESE (AND CHEESEBURGERS, I know I’m cheating) – Did you know that cheese triggers the same part of the brain as hard drugs? According to some smart people it does (google it). I can vouch. I love cheese. I’m not fussy on the type either. A smoked gouda is probably my current favourite. Also, without cheese there is no cheeseburgers and they are probably my favourite food, ever. Most people choose pizza as their fave guilty food. Not me. Cheeseburgers FTW. Throw everything on it, lettuce, tomato, onion (hold the gherkin), add a dollop of ketchup. Perfecto.

TOMATOES – Without tomatoes there is no ketchup and I am one of those dirty people who put ketchup with pretty much everything, even my roast dinner. JUDGE ME I DARE YOU.

Having said tomatoes though, I don’t like cherry tomatoes, they’re weird and I’m bit scared of them if I’m honest.

PEANUT BUTTER – No surprises if you know me. I’ll eat it straight out the jar (one of the more endearing habits I picked up from my mother, I’m sure you’ll agree) Gotta be chunky too, the texture is what makes it.

YOGHURT – Such an easy snack and it takes me back to being 5. Vanilla or lemon is my favourite, although strawberry always goes down well. Petit filous “makes bones strongerer”. 

BANANAS – Admit it, you said that in a minion voice didn’t you? No? Just me? Alrighty then… anyway. I’ve only liked bananas for the last 7 years or so, before that the texture was no bueno to me. No it’s definitely my go-to snack fruit. Also, bananas on pancakes… YUM.

SALMON-  A lot of people think this is gross, I could not disagree more. I will confess to eating smoked salmon out the packet. I’m not even sorry.

CHICKEN – It’s just easy, ain’t it. Goes with everything. Nice bit of protein. Winner winner, chicken dinner.

Drink wise? Well since you asked (I know you didn’t but let’s pretend you did)

Water – it really is my favorite beverage. 

Tea – duh.

Coffee – iced, preferably.

Tequila / Margaritas – although apparently no one drinks tequila anymore (thanks for letting me know I’m behind the times, Ken)

Lemonade – the American meaning of lemonade. Not the fizzy stuff.

So, as you can tell, the majority of the food and drinks I like keep me fat and send me to an early grave. So long as God meets me at the pearly gates with a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea, I’m grand.

 

xoxo Micks