hey, is this thing on?
hello. hi. it’s been a while hasn’t it?
jesus, mary and joseph and all his carpenter friends it has been a while.
8 months since i’ve blessed you all with my ramblings. what a xmas treat for you this is for me to be back (i’ll leave you to define the word ‘treat’).
so why am i back now? in all honesty, i haven’t wanted to write and share for the last eight months. i’ve still written, just kept it to myself, but recently i have been itching to write and share. today my therapist reminded me how important and helpful it can be to write things down, both good and bad, to get them out and just get them off your chest and i guess this was the kick i needed to start again.
each week my therapist (we’ll call him J) gives me homework to complete, some of this has been fun – let’s take watching Inside Out – and some of it has been not so fun; reliving the events leading up to each time the darkness came back and won me over so we can understand the triggers and make a plan to help if it comes back again. this week it is writing. i just have to write. the only condition is that i have to write at least one positive thing that happens each day. it sounds simple, right?
J is trying to teach me to show myself compassion – something i have in spades for others – some of whom we’re discovering really don’t deserve that from me – and i think that it is something we can all actually learn to do. show ourselves some more compassion because life is hard. we all have our shit. we all have stresses and strains and worries. we extend that compassion to other people so easily but we can’t do it for ourselves…
so i guess, this is a message to myself from myself but also to you too…
2018 is almost over. i did it. i made it. i met new people, learnt new things, tried new things. tried things that scared me, that hurt me, that i loved. things that made me grow. things that made me laugh. i picked myself up off the floor when i felt defeated, when i felt heartbroken. all those tough nights where i had nothing but my own thoughts for company… i survived them. i’m still here. i made some people happy by just existing. there were a few goodbyes but there were also lots of hellos. some of which were serendipitous. i made some right fuck ups, but learnt from them. i worked hard and saw that hard work pay off, next year i won’t downplay those successes so much. i found people who believed in me, people that believed in me even when i didn’t. january 1st seems so long ago and so much has happened but i am stronger for it, i’m wiser than i was. i’ve compared myself to others and hated myself for not being as ‘successful’ but then learnt that other people thought i was the successful one.
my sister bumped in to someone i went to primary school with. she asked after me. hearing about my life she responded ‘oh, she’s done alright for herself, i always thought she was a bit posh’
not quite sure about the ‘posh’ part – hello, mouth like a sewer – but i’ll take the first bit.
i’ve had moments when i wished for times before, times before i’d had my heart broken and before life hit me and made me sore. before i’d been disappointed. i had times where i felt so grateful that it had. and so hopeful for the future and excited that some of my best days have yet to happen. some of the people who will change my life forever in the best ways, i haven’t met yet. i remembered i enjoyed exercise (thank you, Adam and the bootcamp gang). i have nearly completed my personal challenge of reading a new biography each month to learn about other people and their stories. i learnt that it’s ok to share how you feel – something else that J and I are working on, i’m not very good at it – and that it’s normal to want to be someone’s first choice, to have someone who makes us feel less invisible. that you can miss someone, but still be mad at them and not want them back in your life. that there are some losses you just don’t get over. and that is ok. what you do do is learn to move forward without them.
2018 was a year of growth, and 2019 has the potential to be even better.
we just have to be kind to ourselves.
i’ll try if you promise to as well.