march, 2018

march 2018

happy easter, chums! how are you all? i hope march has treated you well. i hope you are all celebrating today with lots of chocolate. i am taking this rare day off with no plans to catch up on personal admin (such fun) and write. it will be dotted with drinking lots of caffeinated tea (i gave up caffeinated tea/coffee for lent, pure torture) and trying to not induce type 2 diabetes with all the chocolate that has made its way into my house.

so… march

hero of the month

celebrity

well, they aren’t really celebrities but their post certainly went viral – quite possibly the cutest video on the internet. of course i am talking about 50 mums | 50 kids | 1 extra chromosome. what a beautiful way to celebrate World Down Syndrome day.

personal

there is a group of them this month. the teddys tribe marathon runners.

in June last year my cousins went through the worst situation anyone can imagine – their little boy, Teddy-Blu passed away at just 9 hours old. i can, hand on heart, say that the day of Teddy’s funeral was one of the worst of my life, so i can only imagine what Katie and Adam went through and are still going through now.

in the midst of their grief, they set up Teddy’s Tribe Foundation – to raise awareness of the complications that the parvovirus b19 (better known as slap cheek) can cause during pregnancy, fundraise for those charities and the hospital ward that supported them throughout their pregnancy and in the time following Teddy’s passing and to ensure that the world does not forget their beautiful little babe.

whilst we may not see Teddy grow up to be the beautiful soul he was always destined to be (you only need to look to Katie and Adam’s two gorgeous girls, Izzy and Betsy, to know that Teddy too would have been a beautiful soul – it runs in the family) we can continue his legacy and use his life to ensure that what happened to him wasn’t in vain – the money we are all trying to raise is going to two charities that need this money for one of the most worthy causes in the world.

on April 15th (two weeks today) there will be a group of 6 runners taking part in the Brighton marathon, to raise funds for Teddy’s Tribe.

they have a way to go until they reach their target of £5000, so please, use the link here to donate anything you can.

you can also read more about Katie, Adam and Teddy on their site HERE.

you can also search for Teddy’s Tribe on facebook to stay up to date with their fundraising and to see the runners.

book of the month

A HISTORY OF BRITAIN IN 21 WOMEN – JENNI MURRAY

in the month we celebrated international women’s day this felt very apt.

i loved reading this. it starts off with Boadicea ending with Nicola Sturgeon. whether you like the ladies in this book, or agree with who the author has chosen to write about, you cannot deny the influence these ladies made on shaping our nation, on changing the opinions, the rights and lives of us today.

the blurb reads

“they were famous queens, unrecognised visionaries, great artists and trailblazing politicians. they all pushed back boundaries and revolutionized our world. Jenni Murray presents the history of Britain as you’ve never seen it before, through the lives of twenty-one women who refused to succumb to the established laws of society, whose lives embodied hope and change, and who still have the power to inspire us today”

bloody brilliant stuff. i cannot recommend it highly enough. an essential read for all women i’d say.

soundtrack to the month

this was provided by my favourite emo/skater/punk pop –whatever genre you put them in – band –Simple Plan.

i have adored them since, in my emo teenage phase, i heard ‘welcome to my life’ and felt it in my soul.

this month i re-discovered their album, ‘taking one for the team’. it’s still as good as the first time i heard it.

i have also been overplaying Daddy Yankee’s ‘Dura’ because i want it to be summer already.

bad joke of the month

how do you make an octopus laugh?

with ten-tickles

food of the month

i have been craving peanut butter ice cream so much this month you could think i was pregnant. also, petit filous and granny smiths.

realization of the month

the movies were right – good guys don’t run away.

march 2018.

for me, march was a lot of work and little play – although the playing i did do was a treat.

a glorious afternoon with my nephew, days in our spectacular capital being tourists with two of my very best friends – no one gives me the ability to laugh at myself like amy and byng. we celebrated all the kick ass women around the world on international women’s day. i felt spoilt by my team with random presents – everything from chocolate to jewellery from india to new pens; although im certain the pens are just to stop me sealing their ones and not bringing them back! i had the best evening with two like-minded friends and bonded over tapas and sangria. i celebrated what would have been Nick Lashaway’s 30th birthday with random acts of kindness in him memory – the outpouring of love all over social media for him was amazing to see. as i said to his amazing mama – she did the universe proud with him. i got to go back to one of my favourite places in the world – Derry – to see two of my favourite humans (and one of my favourite canines).

and yes, i did work a lot BUT it has all felt worth it – the changes, what is coming, the things we’ve achieved.

march, you were alright.

hello, april. be nice to me.

until next month,

xoxo M

here’s a second a day

i like to think i’m ok.

i’d like to apologise in advance if this post comes across as me fishing for compliments or me feeling sorry for myself but, like the girl in mean girls ‘i just have a lot of feelings’ and i wanted to share a bit. it’s been taking up a lot of my thoughts recently and i just need to get it off my chest.

i like to think i’m ok. i’m not the prettiest person nor do i have the perfect body. i’m not the nicest person. i’m moody. i get tired. i swear too much. i am not perfect but i like to think i am ok. i try to do my best at everything. i try my hardest to be a good friend, boss, family member. i try my hardest to be there for my everyone because i know what it’s like to feel completely alone. i’m more sensitive and emotional than a lot of people realise. i’m passionate. i have a lot of opinions. i try to educate myself on things before i give these opinions. i can be negative but i try to stay more positive than not. i’m shy and awkward. i like to think i am not judgemental but actually quite open to most people.

i like to think i am ok.

i endeavour to not make someone feel like shit because of who they are. recently i have been on the receiving end of behaviour like this and it has made me question if i have the right people in my life and if i have the respect for myself that i thought i had.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the people i surround myself with and how these people make me feel about myself. there is a great quote attributed to someone on the internet about ensuring that before you diagnose yourself with low self esteem and depression that you are not surrounded by assholes first.

the people we surround ourselves with are a reflection on how we see ourselves, why if i thought i was ok, would i surround myself with people who make comments about me, to me, that make me feel unloveable? that make me feel like i am too much hard work? that i am not worth the effort? i thought, with the end of university, i had rid myself of the ‘friends’ that only saw me as the less attractive, fatter, funny friend and only wanted me there to be an accessory to make them look better. i thought i’d rid myself of those people who weren’t my biggest cheerleaders – not that all my friends have to cheer me all the time, but part of being friends is being each others biggest cheerleaders, in whatever way you feel comfortable expressing it.

at 28 and a bit, i really thought all this shit would be dealt with but i guess, as Bowling For Soup so eloquently sang, ‘high school never ends’.

one thing all these thoughts and time wasted over thinking and being upset recently has made me realise though is that i need to make some changes. there really is a lesson in everything apparently.

why do life lessons always have to cause us so much shit?

answers to that one on a postcard, please

xoxo M

february, twenty eighteen

hiya pals,

how are you all? are you coping with this beast from the east? my hands are permanently cold, my hat is my new best friend and the thought of going anywhere without my slippers and a hot water bottle makes me want to cry but i, much like the rest of the nation, have soldiered on. the sun is coming, it has to!

how was your february?

mine went very quick, after the longest january on record, february went by extraordinarily fast, no?

so, without any further ado, let us crack on…

hero of the month

CELEBRITY: EMMA GONZALEZ

well she didn’t start the month famous, but that’s how it has ended. under the most awful circumstances too. Emma, and people like her all over the world, ARE THE FUTURE, and that makes me REALLY FUCKING EXCITED. when i was her age i was mostly confused about who i was and what i was going to do with my life, not calling out the leader of my country on their BS. i mean, please may i be like her when i grow up?

for any of you that have been hiding under a rock, the speech of the month is below… everyone say it with me WE CALL BS.

PERSONAL:

this is a bit of a weird one because i don’t know her name BUT my personal hero is one of my customers at work. she can be no more than 23/24 years old. she came into work to ask for some help with her pushchair and whilst i was helping her i asked how she was finding motherhood – her beaut of a little boy was only a few weeks old (and yes i got a cuddle!), she explained that, unfortunately she had caught her baby daddy cheating on her just after the baby was born. you know what she did? SHE KICKED HIM OUT. this is a woman who moved from east london to south to be with him and have a baby, knew no one in the new area she lives but still kicked him out, with no fear and now, she is being a badass single mum. for me, i was blown away by her strength – how many women could say that with a newborn, they’d do that? sure, we’d all like to think we’d do it, but would we actually? i’m not convinced. personal hero.

book of the month

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON – WHAT HAPPENED

well, i actually can’t tell you because i am rubbish and have yet to finish it. oops. i now need to read two biographies this month to catch up with that new years resolution. also, sidenote, if you have any recommendations for biographys/ autobiographies please send them my way. i have another 10 months to fill.

soundtrack to the month

as predicted, ‘The Greatest Showman’ has stayed at the top of my most played this month but i am also really enjoying Rudimental ‘These Days’ – i adore the lyrics to the chorus. sometimes when im having a particularly good or bad day, i check myself and think to myself that some day in the future I will wish to come back to this time in my life and try to appreciate the moment.

bad joke of the month

what is forrest gumps password? 1forrest1

you’re welcome.

food of the month

i’m obsessed with popchips this month, the salt and vinegar ones – well, I can eat a family bag by myself in one sitting. so bad but so so good.

realisation of the month

this month i have realised that i forgive people too easily – is that a bad thing? maybe, maybe not. i let people flit in and out of my life, people who should really know better because they know me well enough to know that, even if i don’t say it, it hurts when they drop me again.

i’ve also realised i’m too old to play stupid bloody games now, say what you think. be honest. what’s the worst that can happen?

february

short but sweet. I spent a lot of time with the people who make my world go round this month. when my nephew says ‘kayla, come and look at my trains’ or jumps on the sofa for a cuddle, completely unprompted, my heart just melts. i enjoyed random act of kindness day, spreading some joy to my team, customers and colleagues. my fellow store managers are absolutely bloody angels, there are some real key players and it means so much that i can just pick up the phone to have a rant to people who understand, who know when to tell me im being too hard on myself. special shout out to Mrs Cheeseman because without her at the end of the phone i would have gone mad. i celebrated my nephew turning one. i made new friends. i tried to be more positive. i ran a lot. i made progress. i appreciated a boss who took time to ask if i was ok because i was quiet and it was unlike me. i missed my old boss. i wished i could do nothing but watch musicals on the west end forever more. i tried to let the little things go. i realised i’d rather be anything but ordinary. i realised that really, every thing is a beautiful accident. i realised some people really aren’t worth it. i made progress.

february, thanks.

here’s one second a day.

xoxo

M

Vogue 73

hiya friends,

recently i have been a bit obsessed with the series on vogues website ’73 questions’ whereby they ask various people in the public eye 73 questions (funny that).

because i love this kind of shite i have taken the time to answer them for you – i can tell you’re all thrilled at the idea, who wouldn’t want to know more about me?! YOU’RE WELCOME.

1. What’s your favorite movie? West Side Story leaves me starry eyed everytime.
2. Favorite movie in the past five years? Suffragette or The Greatest Showman – I’m a sucker for a musical
3. Favorite Hitchcock film? The Birds
4. A book you plan on reading? A history of Britain in 21 Women by Jenni Murray
5. A book that you read that positively shaped you? ‘The Elegant Art of Falling Apart’ by Jessica Jones
6. Favorite TV show that’s currently on? Will and Grace
7. On a scale of one to ten how excited are you about life right now? solid 5
8. iPhone or Android? iphone
9. Twitter or Instagram? instagram, i actually deleted my twitter a while back because it felt too much like hard work and was full of weirdos. 
10. Who should EVERYONE be following right now? 3 people i want to be my friends that i am following on instagram 1. @hotpatooties 2. @mother_of_daughters and her other half @father_of_daughters (they count as 1) 3. @kirstenanniebell 
11. What’s your favorite food? nachos or really anything Mexican 
12. Least favorite food? if there is a beetroot liver combination it would be that
13. What do you love on your pizza? my favourite pizza is Hawaiian.
14. Favorite drink? alcoholic it would be something with amaretto or tequila in, non alcoholic would be water or tea.
15. Favorite dessert? i will probably change my mind in a minute but right now Eton Mess
16. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk, always
17. Coffee or tea? tea
18. What’s the best part about being an aunt? I can give them back
19. What’s your favorite band? the beatles – duh
20. Favorite solo artist? at the moment I’m really enjoying Rachel Platten but I also adore Passenger
21. Favorite song? oooh this is hard, because I have few – the pursuit of happiness by Kid Cudi
22. If you could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be? Taylor Swift (don’t hate me)
23. If you could master one instrument, what would it be? violin 
24. What is your next tattoo going to be? I’ve been thinking about getting something for #teddystribe
25. To be or not to be? not to be 
26. Dogs or cats? dogs
27. Bird-watching or whale-watching? whale watching
28. Best gift you’ve ever received? so many… maybe tickets to the ‘LOVE’ show in Vegas.
29. Best gift you’ve ever given? I can’t tell you yet as I’m yet to send it
30. Last gift you gave a friend? I gave Amy her Xmas present and birthday present 2 months late last weekend…oops. sorry friend.
31. What’s your favorite board game? monopoly
32. What’s your favorite country to visit? I have 3. America and Ireland because of my friends there and Spain. The Spanish make everything better. 
33. What’s the last country you visited? America
34. What country do you wish to visit? Peru and Japan
35. What’s your favorite color? Yellow 
36. Least favorite color? I don’t think I have one
37. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
38. Heels or flats? Flats
39. Pilates or yoga? I have never done pilates so yoga
40. Life lesson you’ve learnt the hard way? asking for help doesn’t make you weak AND no one else has a fucking clue what they’re doing either!
41. Best way to de-stress? singing or running
42. If you had one superpower, what would it be? to be able to speak and understand every language in the world. or to fly.
43. Favourite curse word? the C word. 🤷🏼‍♀️
44. What’s your favorite flower? i love wildflowers likes daisies
45. When was the last time you cried? yesterday night
46. Do you like your handwriting? i prefer my print to my cursive, but yes it’s ok
47. Do you bake? not for years
48. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? my indecisiveness
49. What is your most favorite thing about yourself? my sarcasm
50. Who do you miss most? my grandad
51. What are you listening to right now? Michelle Williams- Tightrope
52. Favorite smell? it would be either the smell after its been raining, freshly cut grass, or the smell of a match after it’s been blown out
53. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Michelle
54. Who was the last person you sent a text to? Mark
55. A sport you wish you could play? I really wish I was gymnast
56. Hair color? dirty blonde
57. Eye color? hazel
58. Scary film or happy endings? happy endings, always
59. Favorite season? spring 
60. Three famous people alive or dead that you would like to have dinner with? John Lennon, Carrie Fisher, Reggie Kray
61. Hugs or kisses? hugs
62. Rolling Stones or the Beatles? the Beatles
63. Where were you born? Crawley hospital
64. What is the farthest you have been from home? the US 
65. Sweet or savory? sweet
66. Lipstick or lip gloss? lipstick
67. What book have you read again and again? the Harry Potter series
68. Favorite bedtime story? Harry Potter
69. What would be the title of your autobiography? I’m making this up as I go along
70. Favorite sound? any of my three nephews laughing
71. Favorite animal? penguin
72. If you were to start your career again what would your job be? I am a big geek so would love to be a curator at a museum – more history than art – or maybe a criminal psychologist, or a book editor. 
73. Last photograph you took?

see below

love mesel.

so there you have it, you’re all going to bed knowing a bit more about me than you probably care to.

Later on, laddies

xoxo M

january ‘18

it’s finally here! the end of the longest month the world has ever known… seriously, is it just me or has this month dragged out? ordinarily you blink and it’s half way through the month, this month you blinked and you’d gone back in time. sweet baby yoda.

anywhooo, how are we all? surviving? i’m plodding along as per.

i’ve been trying to decide whether to carry on sharing my random thoughts on this site, primarily because i generally feel like i’m talking to myself most of the time and whilst that is fine, i can just talk to myself out loud rather than writing it down – i do this frequently anyway so i would just be saving myself some time. as some of you know, last year i gave myself a goal to post once a week, which i did (go me), but writing wasn’t so much fun when i knew i had to publish it – i write mainly for myself, and most of my writing is for no ones eyes but my own. and to be fair, it probably wouldn’t make sense to anyone else – it barely makes sense to me. it has been really nice this month just writing for me again.

the conclusion to my uncertainty was this – yes, i do still want to write about my crap on here but not so frequently, i think once a month will suffice. in all honesty i don’t really have time to post more – my friend amy said to me this weekend “you are literally the hardest person in the world to pin down to see. you have to book in with you 6 months in advance, you tell us you have a day free, then we go away to see if we’re free and come back to you for you to say, sorry! made plans now with xyz person” – i didn’t actually realise this but its pretty accurate. soz mate. i’m actually thinking about starting a deposit scheme – pay me £50 to secure your requested date and you’ll get it back when i see you.

and then i got to thinking how my posts might look, so rather than me rambling on (like i have done thus far in this post) i’m just gonna give my month recap for those that care in a ‘…of the month’ format. i don’t know if any of that explanation really made sense but continue reading and hopefully it will…

hero of the month

celebrity: halsey

did you see her speech at the women’s march? i cannot tell you how many times i have watched it but i can tell you that every time i do watch it, i cry. it is so, so powerful.

i cannot tell you how many debates i have gotten into with people over the ‘times up’ / #metoo movement and the fact that only now a lot of women are coming forward “why has it taken them so long?” “they’re being too sensitive” “it was all just a joke back in my day”. in my view, people who say things like this are part of the problem. and in response i say because it’s scary to come forward when the men that are doing it hold power over you, physically and otherwise. these women are really brave for coming forward and publicly about something this sensitive. i say, it is not your place to tell them they are being too sensitive – we all have personal boundaries and we don’t like them being abused. i say, well if you were happy with bob from accounts slapping your ass, or grabbing you by the pussy at work and found it funny, great for you. i say, that yes, we need to teach girls to protect themselves because unfortunately that is the world we live in but what do we need to teach more than that? well, we need to teach people not to fucking rape – and i say people because i am well aware that females can be rapists too. this is not just a one-sided issue (although stats of reported rapes suggest that women are 7x more likely to be raped than a man is).

personal: my sister, melissa

she’ll probably roll her eyes at this but she definitely needs a shout out. after the longest time she has finally stood the fuck up for herself and is making some changes that are long overdue. she is a worrier and so i can only imagine her anxiety at these changes that are coming up for her BUT i think she is a fuckin superstar for putting herself first and for knowing that she deserves so much more than she’s currently getting. you go, sister!

book of the month

leah remini: troublemaker

i am obsessed with her and scientology. i find it so fascinating. she’s got gumption! i read her book super quickly, maybe it took me a week max. one of my goals this year is to learn about other people – i am aiming to read a new biography/autobiography each month and leah’s started me off. i’m now reading hillary clinton’s ‘what happened’.

soundtrack to the month

‘now that’s what i call country’

i am completely unashamed about my love for all things ‘country’. this month i have mainly been listening to this album.

the greatest showman: soundtrack

this one has slipped in at the last-minute because i refused to listen to the soundtrack until i saw the movie. i imagine this will be featured on all my posts until the end of the year.

bad joke of the month

(bad jokes are like crack to me, send me all of yours)

why did the banana go out with the prune? because he couldn’t find a date!

also, one i heard today,

“what’s the most common owl in britain?”

“the teat owl… as in the teatowel”

i laughed for a good 5 minutes.

food of the month

well, it’s not really ‘food’ but its a condiment. french mustard. it’s just the frickin best. its taken ketchup’s place at the top of my list and i am enjoying grossing everyone out by putting it nearly everything.

realisation of the month

this is where i try to sound all deep and intelligent.

this month i have really realised that people are bloody shit, but that they are also bloody brilliant. you can’t make people understand you because not everyone wants to or can be bothered to. and that’s ok. the ones that are worth it will stick around and try to understand, the ones that are worth it will make the effort. the rest of them can go fuck ’emselves.

my other realisation of the month is that i swear too much. starting tomorrow i’m going to try to change that. maybe.

january.

i spent a lot of my time at work, i worried about what my new boss thought of me and tried to build a good relationship with him. i let go a bit at work, i tried to remember that i can only do so much, that my team can only do so much. i tried to remember to say ‘thank you’ more. i tried to remember that you only get back as much as you put in. i gave my time and energy (and days off) to people and colleagues that i know appreciate it and deserve my time. i stayed away from those that do not. i said no more. that word is revolutionary, i tell ya! i smiled. i cried. i laid foundations for moments to come. i sung. i danced. i had busy but good month. i tried.

AND i even managed to record a second a day.

january, the longest month ever on record, you were alright.

 

crawley 010.

another wednesday night of me sat in my bed crying.

today, after close to 30 years the doors on Mothercare Crawley closed on Haslett Avenue. you might find it weird that i’m sad about this, but, if you know me well, you’ll know that for me, and the people i met there, it was always more than just a shop.

you know in ‘love, actually’ when rowan atkinson is all ‘it’s so much more than a bag’ when he’s gift wrapping the necklace? that’s my response when people are bewildered that i can be so upset that a shop is closing; ‘it’s so much more than a shop’.

for the mothercare massive, as we affectionately refer to ourselves, it was more than those four walls, it IS more than those four walls. it was more than a job. it was a second home, where we had our second family. all of us a sandwich short of a picnic.

every life event you can think of, we went through it there, together. we had engagements and weddings, pregnancies, miscarriages, births. we’ve had heart breaks and make ups. parents emigrating, people ‘coming out’, deaths of parents, spouses, siblings and grandparents. moving homes, moving countries, going to and graduating university. cancer, depression, heart surgeries… and everything else.

we all got through it together. in those four walls.

although i am so heartbroken, i am also so so SO thankful for the last 11 years.

we really were/are like a family in every sense of the word. we love each other but we also have /had moments where we hated each other. we fought, we swore at each other (sorry, val) but, my god, did we laugh. they are all memories that i won’t bore you with, mainly for the reason that you probably don’t care, but also because most of them are probably ‘you needed to be there’ moments.

the women that have worked there have had such an impact on my life, it is immeasurable. they have been my biggest cheerleaders for the last decade, they have laughed with me (and at me). they have lifted me up. these women sewed me back together when i came unravelled. they are part of my fabric. and that will never change. they have been with me through my transformation from a shy, timid teenager to the opinionated sarcastic ray of sunshine you’ve all come to know and tolerate (you can all mainly thank diane for that)

august 30th 2006, little 17 year old me went for a group interview for a weekend job. september 3rd i got a phone call from diane telling me i had successfully got the job. she then promptly fucked off to run another store, not returning until the new year. the best part is, when she first came back, i really hated her. little did i know the influence she would end up having on my life. twat. p.s i’m still really sad Mrs T never looked in the cupboard.

dennis the menace… top bird. swear down.

maudy… no one had better arguments than we did. our arguments were special though because it was peter andre that brought us back together. on saturday before we go out lets unbolt the lift one more time.

kelvin… no one busts moves quite like you. the best person to go diamond hunting with.

norman price… you legend. you’re still welcome for us all turning up in suits to your wedding reception.

sophia loren… i just bloody love you. you really are my favourite ever. you big weirdo.

kathina… i look forward to more drunken confessions on saturday, don’t fight it, it’s tradition now.

maisie…you crack. me. up. i’m so shinnnyy.

momma T… the maker of cakes and all things ELC.

lorraine… please come and work for me in croydon, no one has ever made POS look as nice as you. or cleaned cupboards as well.

dino, i will never forgive you for hating cliff or hiding my xmas cds.

tori may… adore you. always have. always will. p.s just to clear it up once and for all dublin isn’t in scotland, ok?

charles in charge – ‘here comes colin, and he’s got a big knoooob’

christopher robin… you da best

the ones that won’t see this. mo, val, sue, christine…

and everyone else that was there over the years. claire, mollie, kerry, reanna, lou, amy, sophie, hayley… and so many more that i have definitely forgotten… charge it to my head, not my heart.

in all seriousness, i really think my guardian angels were working overtime the day i got that interview, and the job. when i think back on the last 11 years of my life, i know i would never have survived life without the ladies i met in there or maybe i would have but they have always made it more bearable. even though i haven’t actually worked at that branch for over 2 years now, it’s always been my place.

more than anything those four walls, and the people in them, showed me that life is about people. the people you surround yourself with are the ones that make or break it and those ladies certainly made it. i’ll keep the memories of the good old days folded on a piece of paper in the back pocket of my mind for safekeeping. there will never be a day when i don’t look back on those memories and smile.

the memories are ours.

i love you, all. (except denise because we don’t do emotions, you’re just average)

xoxo your little micks

3…2…1…happy no year!

where i am: three bridges train station

listening to: beyoncé – ‘sorry’

december 31st, 2017.

another year gone. the older i get the faster they seem to go. i can’t believe in less than 16 hours we’ll be in 2018. how did that happen? (i mean, i get that’s how time works but how did it go so fast?)

this year has been… interesting. i wouldn’t say my best year yet, but it’s had some of my best moments yet. when i’m old in my rocker, sitting on my porch looking out at the sea (the dream) i think i’ll remember 2017 as the year of self discovery.

it broke me at times but through the broken pieces i managed to find lessons. it matured me. it made me like myself more. it made me realise that it’s ok to be selfish. it’s ok to say no. it’s ok to put myself first. i’ve never been very good at that. i’ve always been a people pleaser. like monica gellar i have this inherent need to be liked.

i ran away. i came back.

i went back to my job, my old boss made it so easy it almost felt too easy. it was one of the best things i did this year. people laughed, people judged but it was the best thing. i love my job, i love my colleagues, even now as i sit here having worked nearly 100 hours in about 9 days, utterly exhausted, utterly guilty that i basically missed christmas and my sister’s birthday, i love it.

i matured this year. my friends have said they can see the change in me. i feel calmer. i’m not constantly looking for the next thing now. i’m ok to just be. especially if ‘just be-ing’ means sitting at home, binging Stranger Things in my pjs, drinking tea and eating peanut butter from the jar (don’t hate).

2017 made me appreciate what i have.

there was loss. my heart broke on more than one occasion. there was death.

i realised, more than any other year, how resilient we all are. i became less ashamed of the negative emotions and the demons in my head.

loss never becomes easier to deal with, it never gets easier. time does take the sting away, but the pain? no. that pain shows us we showed up for something. we have something worth more than ourselves.

tonight i will be forgoing the NYE celebrations because i am of the opinion it’s overrated but i will be, as i have for the last few years, be thinking about what i want to achieve in 2018.

the return of saturn.

here we go.

wishing you all a happy, healthy 2018. have fun tonight whatever you’re doing. be good, and if you can’t be good, be safe.

see you on the flip side, motherforkers

xoxo M