“We might be lonely, but we’re not alone”
That was a quote from a movie I remember seeing when I was a tweenager, and it has always stayed with me (the movie, however didn’t. I can’t tell you which one it was, probably something on the Disney Channel). Whenever I have felt alone, I have reminded myself of that.
With 2 weeks to go until I turn 26, I’m sat here on a Saturday night watching a Disney movie and crying over nothing simultaneously. I know, I know, life goals right there. The weirdest thing is, I don’t even know what I’m crying over.
I have a roof over my head, I have food in my belly, I have an amazingly supportive set of family and friends who have got my back whom I love with all me ‘eart, I have a job that I am good at…I am so lucky. I have nothing to complain about or cry over. The last year has been one of the best of my life – I have continued to explore the world. I have grown so much closer with my family. I have had some pretty rad people come into my life. I have continued to grow and learn as a person. I have managed to distance myself from those who I don’t trust whilst still being civil (it’s a delicate balance) and I did that to protect me and my heart. I have been recognized in my work as being good at my job by both teams and bosses. I have found out I am going to be an Auntie to Baby Musselwhite. I have seen and experienced so much love and happiness. So why am I sad? Why am I being such a girl about…well…nothing!?!
“What even is happiness? I swear I’m never happy”
That is a direct quote from my girl, Steph. As soon as she saw I was sad she holla’d and immediately started to give me a pep talk (I told you I have supportive friends). Whilst we were talking I realized something.
I feel like your 20’s is a weird age, specifically mid 20’s. It’s like there becomes a fork in the road and half your friends go down one route, the others go down the other route. Half of them are off taking the world by storm, the other half are getting ready to settle down, talking mortgages, marriage and babies. Where I am at now, I want to take the world by storm (so to speak) but am surrounded by people settling down. When you are surrounded by people who want different things to you it’s easy to become disillusioned, discouraged.
Whilst Steph and I were talking I realized I was lonely. As Steph said, when you are working 24/7, you’re bound to feel lonely. It’s something you don’t realise until you stop for 5 minutes. Also, being around people who are all having babies and getting married, it’s natural to compare what you don’t have with what they do have.
I also realised something else. I have outgrown my current job, or rather store. I’m bored (and it’s not something that new hobbies will fix, though thanks for that tip, Stephhy lol) Having worked away for the last 2 weeks it is a weird feeling to know I’m going back to my old store. It will be nice to go back to see my team but, being honest, I enjoyed the challenge of being away. A new store. A new team. A new challenge. A job opportunity dangled in my face… one seriously considered, until fate stepped in and made the decision for me. I definitely still have a passion for the job, and the business – the last 2 weeks reminded me of that. I appreciate the team I have, I appreciate how well we’ve got it running now, even if it does sometimes feel like I’m back at school when people get a bit weird and gossipy. I can see the what a good thang we got going on. But it’s not enough for me anymore.
I realized I’m looking for more. I don’t know what that ‘more’ is, but I’m looking for it. My mum, on more than one occasion, has told me my expectations are too high and that I can be hard to please (I’m sure she’s not the only one who has said those things either) but I figure “shoot for the moon, if I miss, I’ll land among the stars”
So, more. Whatever, whoever, wherever you are. I’m coming for ya, as soon as I finish tonight’s pity party.