where i am: three bridges train station
listening to: beyoncé – ‘sorry’
december 31st, 2017.
another year gone. the older i get the faster they seem to go. i can’t believe in less than 16 hours we’ll be in 2018. how did that happen? (i mean, i get that’s how time works but how did it go so fast?)
this year has been… interesting. i wouldn’t say my best year yet, but it’s had some of my best moments yet. when i’m old in my rocker, sitting on my porch looking out at the sea (the dream) i think i’ll remember 2017 as the year of self discovery.
it broke me at times but through the broken pieces i managed to find lessons. it matured me. it made me like myself more. it made me realise that it’s ok to be selfish. it’s ok to say no. it’s ok to put myself first. i’ve never been very good at that. i’ve always been a people pleaser. like monica gellar i have this inherent need to be liked.
i ran away. i came back.
i went back to my job, my old boss made it so easy it almost felt too easy. it was one of the best things i did this year. people laughed, people judged but it was the best thing. i love my job, i love my colleagues, even now as i sit here having worked nearly 100 hours in about 9 days, utterly exhausted, utterly guilty that i basically missed christmas and my sister’s birthday, i love it.
i matured this year. my friends have said they can see the change in me. i feel calmer. i’m not constantly looking for the next thing now. i’m ok to just be. especially if ‘just be-ing’ means sitting at home, binging Stranger Things in my pjs, drinking tea and eating peanut butter from the jar (don’t hate).
2017 made me appreciate what i have.
there was loss. my heart broke on more than one occasion. there was death.
i realised, more than any other year, how resilient we all are. i became less ashamed of the negative emotions and the demons in my head.
loss never becomes easier to deal with, it never gets easier. time does take the sting away, but the pain? no. that pain shows us we showed up for something. we have something worth more than ourselves.
tonight i will be forgoing the NYE celebrations because i am of the opinion it’s overrated but i will be, as i have for the last few years, be thinking about what i want to achieve in 2018.
the return of saturn.
here we go.
wishing you all a happy, healthy 2018. have fun tonight whatever you’re doing. be good, and if you can’t be good, be safe.
see you on the flip side, motherforkers