dear my big bro

hey you,

it’s weird writing this letter because i know for a fact you’ll never see it.
today would have been your 35th birthday.
every year it hits me differently.
some years i’ve been ok, other days there have been moments of sadness. this year though, i’ve been thinking of this day for the last month and now as it is here i just feel an overwhelming sadness that you aren’t here. 
you know i’m not one that gets particularly angry at things, annoyed sure, but not angry. 
the older i get though, the more i feel it and the angrier i get. 
WHY. WHAT WAS THE REASON. i know we have a medical reason for you not being here but i still can’t help but think those things to myself. it just seems unnecessarily unfair and cruel. 
how different would life have been? i’d have so loved to have an older brother here. i often wonder how the dynamic would have differed. Especially as Mel wouldn’t be the oldest (coughbossiestcough). i know Dad would have loved another bloke… forever outnumbered with 4 women around him. 
would you have been more like Mum and Mel?  a bit loud, not really scared to say whatever you’re thinking. quieter like Dad and Melissa? the two homebodies of the bunch. 
or more free spirited like me? just kind of stumbling through life, hoping to laugh and love a bit on the way through. 
i know we’ll never know the answers. for the most part i know i’ve made my peace with that but on days like today it just is harder.
i just hope that when i get to those big pearly gates, you’re one of the first to greet me. with the kind of hug that only a big brother can give.
oh and if you haven’t already, go find nick and have a beer together. he can prepare you for annoying little sisters. and if you’re not taking care of teddy when i see you i’ll kick you. 
love u! 

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