Author: thegirlwiththebackpack

thegirlwiththebackpack https://littlemicksmusings.wordpress.com I just like to write.

hey, is this thing on?

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hey, is this thing on?

hello?

hello. hi. it’s been a while hasn’t it?

jesus, mary and joseph and all his carpenter friends it has been a while.

8 months since i’ve blessed you all with my ramblings. what a xmas treat for you this is for me to be back (i’ll leave you to define the word ‘treat’).

so why am i back now? in all honesty, i haven’t wanted to write and share for the last eight months. i’ve still written, just kept it to myself, but recently i have been itching to write and share. today my therapist reminded me how important and helpful it can be to write things down, both good and bad, to get them out and just get them off your chest and i guess this was the kick i needed to start again.

each week my therapist (we’ll call him J) gives me homework to complete, some of this has been fun – let’s take watching Inside Out – and some of it has been not so fun; reliving the events leading up to each time the darkness came back and won me over so we can understand the triggers and make a plan to help if it comes back again. this week it is writing. i just have to write. the only condition is that i have to write at least one positive thing that happens each day. it sounds simple, right?

J is trying to teach me to show myself compassion – something i have in spades for others – some of whom we’re discovering really don’t deserve that from me – and i think that it is something we can all actually learn to do. show ourselves some more compassion because life is hard. we all have our shit. we all have stresses and strains and worries. we extend that compassion to other people so easily but we can’t do it for ourselves…

so i guess, this is a message to myself from myself but also to you too…

2018 is almost over. i did it. i made it. i met new people, learnt new things, tried new things. tried things that scared me, that hurt me, that i loved. things that made me grow. things that made me laugh. i picked myself up off the floor when i felt defeated, when i felt heartbroken. all those tough nights where i had nothing but my own thoughts for company… i survived them. i’m still here. i made some people happy by just existing. there were a few goodbyes but there were also lots of hellos. some of which were serendipitous. i made some right fuck ups, but learnt from them. i worked hard and saw that hard work pay off, next year i won’t downplay those successes so much. i found people who believed in me, people that believed in me even when i didn’t. january 1st seems so long ago and so much has happened but i am stronger for it, i’m wiser than i was. i’ve compared myself to others and hated myself for not being as ‘successful’ but then learnt that other people thought i was the successful one.

true story.

my sister bumped in to someone i went to primary school with. she asked after me. hearing about my life she responded ‘oh, she’s done alright for herself, i always thought she was a bit posh’

not quite sure about the ‘posh’ part – hello, mouth like a sewer – but i’ll take the first bit.

i’ve had moments when i wished for times before, times before i’d had my heart broken and before life hit me and made me sore. before i’d been disappointed. i had times where i felt so grateful that it had. and so hopeful for the future and excited that some of my best days have yet to happen. some of the people who will change my life forever in the best ways, i haven’t met yet. i remembered i enjoyed exercise (thank you, Adam and the bootcamp gang). i have nearly completed my personal challenge of reading a new biography each month to learn about other people and their stories. i learnt that it’s ok to share how you feel – something else that J and I are working on, i’m not very good at it –  and that it’s normal to want to be someone’s first choice, to have someone who makes us feel less invisible. that you can miss someone, but still be mad at them and not want them back in your life. that there are some losses you just don’t get over. and that is ok. what you do do is learn to move forward without them.

2018 was a year of growth, and 2019 has the potential to be even better.

we just have to be kind to ourselves.

i’ll try if you promise to as well.

xoxo micks

 

 

april, 2018

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bonjour and hello to you, the reader of this post.

how are you? well i hope. is it just me or has april been another january? as in, it’s felt like it has lasted about 700 weeks. it is finally the end of the month which means i can use my favourite meme in this post because…

how am i? well, this month i’ve mainly spent it feeling like i’m in the way and a bit forgotten if i’m honest. which, i know sounds to most either

  1.  bratty
  2.  utterly ridiculous
  3.  a bit pathetic

the thing is, i know it is probably all of the above but it’s how i have been feeling. so shoot me, why don’t ya. it’s a feeling i’ve tried (unsuccessfully) to shake off. i know people are just very busy and that i am not the centre of their world. i know that cancelled plans and minimal communication is just a result of people being busy and having more important things taking up their time but it’s still how i’ve been feeling and i wont lie to you. and i wont apologise for it either because, as i’ve told many a person, you should never apologise for how you feel.

in a complete 180 i have also been feeling very inspired by all the marathon runners, both Brighton and London. how fantastic are they all? (answer: very)

our very own Teddy’s Tribe did it, raising a phenomenal amount of money in the process. the cheerleaders spent their time wandering around Brighton seafront (one of my favourite places in England, just FYI) sporting their Teddy’s Tribe Foundation T Shirts, and myself the chipped tooth and fat lip i gained courtesy of my nephew on the train down there.

hero of the month

celebrity

Jameela Jamil

i have followed Jameela for what feels like years now. i remember her presenting on T4 back in the day but i really started to love her when i started reading her columns in Glamour magazine. at least i think it was Glamour, it might have been Cosmo, it was one of them. i loved how ballsy she was, i loved that she didn’t hold any prisoners, i loved that she had fucking opinions like a real person and not some puppet created by a PR company to give the generally acceptable answers that didn’t differ from the status quo.

in more recent times people will know her as Tahani in NBC’s ‘The Good Place’. holy forking shirtballs it’s good. it’s one of those shows that are very easy to watch.

she also runs two Instagram accounts, one of which is the reason she is my celebrity hero this month.

‘I Weigh’ is a movement. a movement that encourages people to see themselves as more than the number on the scale because that is only part, a small part, of what we are. it’s bloody fantastic.

personal

there isn’t one this month. sorry, i just generally hate everyone this month sooooo

book of the month

giving myself a pat on the back because i read not one, not two but THREE books this month.

learning more about people April edition was : Patti Smith – Just Kids

what a story. a story of friendship, love and survival. a story based in one of the best cities in the world – NYC. a story that shows that success is not an overnight job for anyone. hard work is rewarded. a beautiful read that i would highly recommend.

Joanna Nadin – The Queen of Bloody Everything

a novel. this was sent to me for freee (i love it when that happens). i had to read it and then give my feedback on it. what i loved about this is that, whilst it was a love story, the main love story wasn’t based on romantic love but rather parental. the main relationship was between a mother and daughter – and we all know how complicated they can be.

Dolly Alderton – Everything I Know about Love

now this was supposed to be my ‘learn more about other people: May edition’ book but i read it in one day. so i need a new book for may, if you have any suggestions then send them to me.

my friend Amy, upon seeing i was reading this, said to me she wants to start a cult of dolly. well, Amy, sign me up. i devoured this book. every 20 something woman needs it.

i also realised after i finished that i always seem drawn to people and the stories of people that aren’t necessarily traditional. a lot of the biographies i read the people have made royal cock ups, or have had their hearts shattered, or have some form of mental illness. they’ve experienced the very worst of what life can give you, felt terribly alone, or like a failure, like they’ve been left behind but have lived to tell the tale. their stories fill me with hope and a sense of calm. they make me feel less alone, i guess.

soundtrack to the month.

there have been three songs on repeat for me across this month.

patti smith – because the night

anne-marie – 2002

chris lane – take back home girl.

bad joke of the month

this got me giggling this month

food of the month

i’ve been enjoying yoghurt pouches like the 5 year old i am and also, lots of tea and biscuits. as lent finished i’ve been making up for lost time. oh and MARMITE CHEESE. my mouth is watering just writing that. motherforking shirt balls, it’s delicious.

realisation of the month

i will always have a love-hate relationship with people. they fascinate me, but they also piss me right off.

april 2018

i’ve been thinking a lot about stories this month. everyone’s life is a story and we try to write it simply as beginning – middle – end but perhaps we have it wrong. perhaps our stories aren’t as simple as that. perhaps they are lots of little stories that each has their own beginning –middle – end. maybe the people we meet are who make up the chapters. maybe we need to let go of the role we think people play in our stories to see the role they really play. i’m sure i’ve played the heroine in some, the villain in others. i’m sure i have hurt people in ways i can never make up for even though it hurts to admit that. perhaps my ability to face the things i don’t want to, the things i convinced myself i wasn’t strong enough to make me the hero of some stories, perhaps it makes me the hero of my own story. the character i play in other people’s lives, the role i’m cast in is not mine to decide, really. some chapters, no matter how much time passes, will still be painful to revisit, as painful as they were when they came to an end. these chapters will mean we actively avoid things; places, foods, movies and music because they remind us of that pain and reliving some stories are too painful. at least for now. one day we’ll gain those things back – sure, deep down we’ll hear that song and remember that person that broke our heart, or that friend that let us down, but one day, we’ll be able to claim back those things and rewrite their meaning in our chapters, in our stories. at least that’s what i’m hoping.

happy may, friends.

be good. to yourselves and others.

xoxo micks

march, 2018

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march 2018

happy easter, chums! how are you all? i hope march has treated you well. i hope you are all celebrating today with lots of chocolate. i am taking this rare day off with no plans to catch up on personal admin (such fun) and write. it will be dotted with drinking lots of caffeinated tea (i gave up caffeinated tea/coffee for lent, pure torture) and trying to not induce type 2 diabetes with all the chocolate that has made its way into my house.

so… march

hero of the month

celebrity

well, they aren’t really celebrities but their post certainly went viral – quite possibly the cutest video on the internet. of course i am talking about 50 mums | 50 kids | 1 extra chromosome. what a beautiful way to celebrate World Down Syndrome day.

personal

there is a group of them this month. the teddys tribe marathon runners.

in June last year my cousins went through the worst situation anyone can imagine – their little boy, Teddy-Blu passed away at just 9 hours old. i can, hand on heart, say that the day of Teddy’s funeral was one of the worst of my life, so i can only imagine what Katie and Adam went through and are still going through now.

in the midst of their grief, they set up Teddy’s Tribe Foundation – to raise awareness of the complications that the parvovirus b19 (better known as slap cheek) can cause during pregnancy, fundraise for those charities and the hospital ward that supported them throughout their pregnancy and in the time following Teddy’s passing and to ensure that the world does not forget their beautiful little babe.

whilst we may not see Teddy grow up to be the beautiful soul he was always destined to be (you only need to look to Katie and Adam’s two gorgeous girls, Izzy and Betsy, to know that Teddy too would have been a beautiful soul – it runs in the family) we can continue his legacy and use his life to ensure that what happened to him wasn’t in vain – the money we are all trying to raise is going to two charities that need this money for one of the most worthy causes in the world.

on April 15th (two weeks today) there will be a group of 6 runners taking part in the Brighton marathon, to raise funds for Teddy’s Tribe.

they have a way to go until they reach their target of £5000, so please, use the link here to donate anything you can.

you can also read more about Katie, Adam and Teddy on their site HERE.

you can also search for Teddy’s Tribe on facebook to stay up to date with their fundraising and to see the runners.

book of the month

A HISTORY OF BRITAIN IN 21 WOMEN – JENNI MURRAY

in the month we celebrated international women’s day this felt very apt.

i loved reading this. it starts off with Boadicea ending with Nicola Sturgeon. whether you like the ladies in this book, or agree with who the author has chosen to write about, you cannot deny the influence these ladies made on shaping our nation, on changing the opinions, the rights and lives of us today.

the blurb reads

“they were famous queens, unrecognised visionaries, great artists and trailblazing politicians. they all pushed back boundaries and revolutionized our world. Jenni Murray presents the history of Britain as you’ve never seen it before, through the lives of twenty-one women who refused to succumb to the established laws of society, whose lives embodied hope and change, and who still have the power to inspire us today”

bloody brilliant stuff. i cannot recommend it highly enough. an essential read for all women i’d say.

soundtrack to the month

this was provided by my favourite emo/skater/punk pop –whatever genre you put them in – band –Simple Plan.

i have adored them since, in my emo teenage phase, i heard ‘welcome to my life’ and felt it in my soul.

this month i re-discovered their album, ‘taking one for the team’. it’s still as good as the first time i heard it.

i have also been overplaying Daddy Yankee’s ‘Dura’ because i want it to be summer already.

bad joke of the month

how do you make an octopus laugh?

with ten-tickles

food of the month

i have been craving peanut butter ice cream so much this month you could think i was pregnant. also, petit filous and granny smiths.

realization of the month

the movies were right – good guys don’t run away.

march 2018.

for me, march was a lot of work and little play – although the playing i did do was a treat.

a glorious afternoon with my nephew, days in our spectacular capital being tourists with two of my very best friends – no one gives me the ability to laugh at myself like amy and byng. we celebrated all the kick ass women around the world on international women’s day. i felt spoilt by my team with random presents – everything from chocolate to jewellery from india to new pens; although im certain the pens are just to stop me sealing their ones and not bringing them back! i had the best evening with two like-minded friends and bonded over tapas and sangria. i celebrated what would have been Nick Lashaway’s 30th birthday with random acts of kindness in him memory – the outpouring of love all over social media for him was amazing to see. as i said to his amazing mama – she did the universe proud with him. i got to go back to one of my favourite places in the world – Derry – to see two of my favourite humans (and one of my favourite canines).

and yes, i did work a lot BUT it has all felt worth it – the changes, what is coming, the things we’ve achieved.

march, you were alright.

hello, april. be nice to me.

until next month,

xoxo M

here’s a second a day

i like to think i’m ok.

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i’d like to apologise in advance if this post comes across as me fishing for compliments or me feeling sorry for myself but, like the girl in mean girls ‘i just have a lot of feelings’ and i wanted to share a bit. it’s been taking up a lot of my thoughts recently and i just need to get it off my chest.

i like to think i’m ok. i’m not the prettiest person nor do i have the perfect body. i’m not the nicest person. i’m moody. i get tired. i swear too much. i am not perfect but i like to think i am ok. i try to do my best at everything. i try my hardest to be a good friend, boss, family member. i try my hardest to be there for my everyone because i know what it’s like to feel completely alone. i’m more sensitive and emotional than a lot of people realise. i’m passionate. i have a lot of opinions. i try to educate myself on things before i give these opinions. i can be negative but i try to stay more positive than not. i’m shy and awkward. i like to think i am not judgemental but actually quite open to most people.

i like to think i am ok.

i endeavour to not make someone feel like shit because of who they are. recently i have been on the receiving end of behaviour like this and it has made me question if i have the right people in my life and if i have the respect for myself that i thought i had.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the people i surround myself with and how these people make me feel about myself. there is a great quote attributed to someone on the internet about ensuring that before you diagnose yourself with low self esteem and depression that you are not surrounded by assholes first.

the people we surround ourselves with are a reflection on how we see ourselves, why if i thought i was ok, would i surround myself with people who make comments about me, to me, that make me feel unloveable? that make me feel like i am too much hard work? that i am not worth the effort? i thought, with the end of university, i had rid myself of the ‘friends’ that only saw me as the less attractive, fatter, funny friend and only wanted me there to be an accessory to make them look better. i thought i’d rid myself of those people who weren’t my biggest cheerleaders – not that all my friends have to cheer me all the time, but part of being friends is being each others biggest cheerleaders, in whatever way you feel comfortable expressing it.

at 28 and a bit, i really thought all this shit would be dealt with but i guess, as Bowling For Soup so eloquently sang, ‘high school never ends’.

one thing all these thoughts and time wasted over thinking and being upset recently has made me realise though is that i need to make some changes. there really is a lesson in everything apparently.

why do life lessons always have to cause us so much shit?

answers to that one on a postcard, please

xoxo M

february, twenty eighteen

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hiya pals,

how are you all? are you coping with this beast from the east? my hands are permanently cold, my hat is my new best friend and the thought of going anywhere without my slippers and a hot water bottle makes me want to cry but i, much like the rest of the nation, have soldiered on. the sun is coming, it has to!

how was your february?

mine went very quick, after the longest january on record, february went by extraordinarily fast, no?

so, without any further ado, let us crack on…

hero of the month

CELEBRITY: EMMA GONZALEZ

well she didn’t start the month famous, but that’s how it has ended. under the most awful circumstances too. Emma, and people like her all over the world, ARE THE FUTURE, and that makes me REALLY FUCKING EXCITED. when i was her age i was mostly confused about who i was and what i was going to do with my life, not calling out the leader of my country on their BS. i mean, please may i be like her when i grow up?

for any of you that have been hiding under a rock, the speech of the month is below… everyone say it with me WE CALL BS.

PERSONAL:

this is a bit of a weird one because i don’t know her name BUT my personal hero is one of my customers at work. she can be no more than 23/24 years old. she came into work to ask for some help with her pushchair and whilst i was helping her i asked how she was finding motherhood – her beaut of a little boy was only a few weeks old (and yes i got a cuddle!), she explained that, unfortunately she had caught her baby daddy cheating on her just after the baby was born. you know what she did? SHE KICKED HIM OUT. this is a woman who moved from east london to south to be with him and have a baby, knew no one in the new area she lives but still kicked him out, with no fear and now, she is being a badass single mum. for me, i was blown away by her strength – how many women could say that with a newborn, they’d do that? sure, we’d all like to think we’d do it, but would we actually? i’m not convinced. personal hero.

book of the month

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON – WHAT HAPPENED

well, i actually can’t tell you because i am rubbish and have yet to finish it. oops. i now need to read two biographies this month to catch up with that new years resolution. also, sidenote, if you have any recommendations for biographys/ autobiographies please send them my way. i have another 10 months to fill.

soundtrack to the month

as predicted, ‘The Greatest Showman’ has stayed at the top of my most played this month but i am also really enjoying Rudimental ‘These Days’ – i adore the lyrics to the chorus. sometimes when im having a particularly good or bad day, i check myself and think to myself that some day in the future I will wish to come back to this time in my life and try to appreciate the moment.

bad joke of the month

what is forrest gumps password? 1forrest1

you’re welcome.

food of the month

i’m obsessed with popchips this month, the salt and vinegar ones – well, I can eat a family bag by myself in one sitting. so bad but so so good.

realisation of the month

this month i have realised that i forgive people too easily – is that a bad thing? maybe, maybe not. i let people flit in and out of my life, people who should really know better because they know me well enough to know that, even if i don’t say it, it hurts when they drop me again.

i’ve also realised i’m too old to play stupid bloody games now, say what you think. be honest. what’s the worst that can happen?

february

short but sweet. I spent a lot of time with the people who make my world go round this month. when my nephew says ‘kayla, come and look at my trains’ or jumps on the sofa for a cuddle, completely unprompted, my heart just melts. i enjoyed random act of kindness day, spreading some joy to my team, customers and colleagues. my fellow store managers are absolutely bloody angels, there are some real key players and it means so much that i can just pick up the phone to have a rant to people who understand, who know when to tell me im being too hard on myself. special shout out to Mrs Cheeseman because without her at the end of the phone i would have gone mad. i celebrated my nephew turning one. i made new friends. i tried to be more positive. i ran a lot. i made progress. i appreciated a boss who took time to ask if i was ok because i was quiet and it was unlike me. i missed my old boss. i wished i could do nothing but watch musicals on the west end forever more. i tried to let the little things go. i realised i’d rather be anything but ordinary. i realised that really, every thing is a beautiful accident. i realised some people really aren’t worth it. i made progress.

february, thanks.

here’s one second a day.

xoxo

M

Vogue 73

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hiya friends,

recently i have been a bit obsessed with the series on vogues website ’73 questions’ whereby they ask various people in the public eye 73 questions (funny that).

because i love this kind of shite i have taken the time to answer them for you – i can tell you’re all thrilled at the idea, who wouldn’t want to know more about me?! YOU’RE WELCOME.

1. What’s your favorite movie? West Side Story leaves me starry eyed everytime.
2. Favorite movie in the past five years? Suffragette or The Greatest Showman – I’m a sucker for a musical
3. Favorite Hitchcock film? The Birds
4. A book you plan on reading? A history of Britain in 21 Women by Jenni Murray
5. A book that you read that positively shaped you? ‘The Elegant Art of Falling Apart’ by Jessica Jones
6. Favorite TV show that’s currently on? Will and Grace
7. On a scale of one to ten how excited are you about life right now? solid 5
8. iPhone or Android? iphone
9. Twitter or Instagram? instagram, i actually deleted my twitter a while back because it felt too much like hard work and was full of weirdos. 
10. Who should EVERYONE be following right now? 3 people i want to be my friends that i am following on instagram 1. @hotpatooties 2. @mother_of_daughters and her other half @father_of_daughters (they count as 1) 3. @kirstenanniebell 
11. What’s your favorite food? nachos or really anything Mexican 
12. Least favorite food? if there is a beetroot liver combination it would be that
13. What do you love on your pizza? my favourite pizza is Hawaiian.
14. Favorite drink? alcoholic it would be something with amaretto or tequila in, non alcoholic would be water or tea.
15. Favorite dessert? i will probably change my mind in a minute but right now Eton Mess
16. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk, always
17. Coffee or tea? tea
18. What’s the best part about being an aunt? I can give them back
19. What’s your favorite band? the beatles – duh
20. Favorite solo artist? at the moment I’m really enjoying Rachel Platten but I also adore Passenger
21. Favorite song? oooh this is hard, because I have few – the pursuit of happiness by Kid Cudi
22. If you could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be? Taylor Swift (don’t hate me)
23. If you could master one instrument, what would it be? violin 
24. What is your next tattoo going to be? I’ve been thinking about getting something for #teddystribe
25. To be or not to be? not to be 
26. Dogs or cats? dogs
27. Bird-watching or whale-watching? whale watching
28. Best gift you’ve ever received? so many… maybe tickets to the ‘LOVE’ show in Vegas.
29. Best gift you’ve ever given? I can’t tell you yet as I’m yet to send it
30. Last gift you gave a friend? I gave Amy her Xmas present and birthday present 2 months late last weekend…oops. sorry friend.
31. What’s your favorite board game? monopoly
32. What’s your favorite country to visit? I have 3. America and Ireland because of my friends there and Spain. The Spanish make everything better. 
33. What’s the last country you visited? America
34. What country do you wish to visit? Peru and Japan
35. What’s your favorite color? Yellow 
36. Least favorite color? I don’t think I have one
37. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
38. Heels or flats? Flats
39. Pilates or yoga? I have never done pilates so yoga
40. Life lesson you’ve learnt the hard way? asking for help doesn’t make you weak AND no one else has a fucking clue what they’re doing either!
41. Best way to de-stress? singing or running
42. If you had one superpower, what would it be? to be able to speak and understand every language in the world. or to fly.
43. Favourite curse word? the C word. 🤷🏼‍♀️
44. What’s your favorite flower? i love wildflowers likes daisies
45. When was the last time you cried? yesterday night
46. Do you like your handwriting? i prefer my print to my cursive, but yes it’s ok
47. Do you bake? not for years
48. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? my indecisiveness
49. What is your most favorite thing about yourself? my sarcasm
50. Who do you miss most? my grandad
51. What are you listening to right now? Michelle Williams- Tightrope
52. Favorite smell? it would be either the smell after its been raining, freshly cut grass, or the smell of a match after it’s been blown out
53. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Michelle
54. Who was the last person you sent a text to? Mark
55. A sport you wish you could play? I really wish I was gymnast
56. Hair color? dirty blonde
57. Eye color? hazel
58. Scary film or happy endings? happy endings, always
59. Favorite season? spring 
60. Three famous people alive or dead that you would like to have dinner with? John Lennon, Carrie Fisher, Reggie Kray
61. Hugs or kisses? hugs
62. Rolling Stones or the Beatles? the Beatles
63. Where were you born? Crawley hospital
64. What is the farthest you have been from home? the US 
65. Sweet or savory? sweet
66. Lipstick or lip gloss? lipstick
67. What book have you read again and again? the Harry Potter series
68. Favorite bedtime story? Harry Potter
69. What would be the title of your autobiography? I’m making this up as I go along
70. Favorite sound? any of my three nephews laughing
71. Favorite animal? penguin
72. If you were to start your career again what would your job be? I am a big geek so would love to be a curator at a museum – more history than art – or maybe a criminal psychologist, or a book editor. 
73. Last photograph you took?

see below

love mesel.

so there you have it, you’re all going to bed knowing a bit more about me than you probably care to.

Later on, laddies

xoxo M

january ‘18

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it’s finally here! the end of the longest month the world has ever known… seriously, is it just me or has this month dragged out? ordinarily you blink and it’s half way through the month, this month you blinked and you’d gone back in time. sweet baby yoda.

anywhooo, how are we all? surviving? i’m plodding along as per.

i’ve been trying to decide whether to carry on sharing my random thoughts on this site, primarily because i generally feel like i’m talking to myself most of the time and whilst that is fine, i can just talk to myself out loud rather than writing it down – i do this frequently anyway so i would just be saving myself some time. as some of you know, last year i gave myself a goal to post once a week, which i did (go me), but writing wasn’t so much fun when i knew i had to publish it – i write mainly for myself, and most of my writing is for no ones eyes but my own. and to be fair, it probably wouldn’t make sense to anyone else – it barely makes sense to me. it has been really nice this month just writing for me again.

the conclusion to my uncertainty was this – yes, i do still want to write about my crap on here but not so frequently, i think once a month will suffice. in all honesty i don’t really have time to post more – my friend amy said to me this weekend “you are literally the hardest person in the world to pin down to see. you have to book in with you 6 months in advance, you tell us you have a day free, then we go away to see if we’re free and come back to you for you to say, sorry! made plans now with xyz person” – i didn’t actually realise this but its pretty accurate. soz mate. i’m actually thinking about starting a deposit scheme – pay me £50 to secure your requested date and you’ll get it back when i see you.

and then i got to thinking how my posts might look, so rather than me rambling on (like i have done thus far in this post) i’m just gonna give my month recap for those that care in a ‘…of the month’ format. i don’t know if any of that explanation really made sense but continue reading and hopefully it will…

hero of the month

celebrity: halsey

did you see her speech at the women’s march? i cannot tell you how many times i have watched it but i can tell you that every time i do watch it, i cry. it is so, so powerful.

i cannot tell you how many debates i have gotten into with people over the ‘times up’ / #metoo movement and the fact that only now a lot of women are coming forward “why has it taken them so long?” “they’re being too sensitive” “it was all just a joke back in my day”. in my view, people who say things like this are part of the problem. and in response i say because it’s scary to come forward when the men that are doing it hold power over you, physically and otherwise. these women are really brave for coming forward and publicly about something this sensitive. i say, it is not your place to tell them they are being too sensitive – we all have personal boundaries and we don’t like them being abused. i say, well if you were happy with bob from accounts slapping your ass, or grabbing you by the pussy at work and found it funny, great for you. i say, that yes, we need to teach girls to protect themselves because unfortunately that is the world we live in but what do we need to teach more than that? well, we need to teach people not to fucking rape – and i say people because i am well aware that females can be rapists too. this is not just a one-sided issue (although stats of reported rapes suggest that women are 7x more likely to be raped than a man is).

personal: my sister, melissa

she’ll probably roll her eyes at this but she definitely needs a shout out. after the longest time she has finally stood the fuck up for herself and is making some changes that are long overdue. she is a worrier and so i can only imagine her anxiety at these changes that are coming up for her BUT i think she is a fuckin superstar for putting herself first and for knowing that she deserves so much more than she’s currently getting. you go, sister!

book of the month

leah remini: troublemaker

i am obsessed with her and scientology. i find it so fascinating. she’s got gumption! i read her book super quickly, maybe it took me a week max. one of my goals this year is to learn about other people – i am aiming to read a new biography/autobiography each month and leah’s started me off. i’m now reading hillary clinton’s ‘what happened’.

soundtrack to the month

‘now that’s what i call country’

i am completely unashamed about my love for all things ‘country’. this month i have mainly been listening to this album.

the greatest showman: soundtrack

this one has slipped in at the last-minute because i refused to listen to the soundtrack until i saw the movie. i imagine this will be featured on all my posts until the end of the year.

bad joke of the month

(bad jokes are like crack to me, send me all of yours)

why did the banana go out with the prune? because he couldn’t find a date!

also, one i heard today,

“what’s the most common owl in britain?”

“the teat owl… as in the teatowel”

i laughed for a good 5 minutes.

food of the month

well, it’s not really ‘food’ but its a condiment. french mustard. it’s just the frickin best. its taken ketchup’s place at the top of my list and i am enjoying grossing everyone out by putting it nearly everything.

realisation of the month

this is where i try to sound all deep and intelligent.

this month i have really realised that people are bloody shit, but that they are also bloody brilliant. you can’t make people understand you because not everyone wants to or can be bothered to. and that’s ok. the ones that are worth it will stick around and try to understand, the ones that are worth it will make the effort. the rest of them can go fuck ’emselves.

my other realisation of the month is that i swear too much. starting tomorrow i’m going to try to change that. maybe.

january.

i spent a lot of my time at work, i worried about what my new boss thought of me and tried to build a good relationship with him. i let go a bit at work, i tried to remember that i can only do so much, that my team can only do so much. i tried to remember to say ‘thank you’ more. i tried to remember that you only get back as much as you put in. i gave my time and energy (and days off) to people and colleagues that i know appreciate it and deserve my time. i stayed away from those that do not. i said no more. that word is revolutionary, i tell ya! i smiled. i cried. i laid foundations for moments to come. i sung. i danced. i had busy but good month. i tried.

AND i even managed to record a second a day.

january, the longest month ever on record, you were alright.