hello me,
we’ve been writing letters to everyone else, i think it’s time we write one to ourselves.
there is so much to say and yet there is so much that can’t be put into words.
what a life.
life is wonderful, but it’s also not fair. you’ll learn that in some of the worst ways. your heart will be broken. you will feel like you won’t survive; you will because you have no choice.
you grew up singing and believing in fairytales. life is not a fairytale. you always lost yourself in your imagination and in music because it was safe there. it is, but don’t believe the daydreams you create. that’s not the real world.
you will change so much over the years; you’ll become someone that you actually quite like. you’ll realise that you have a good heart which is both your greatest strength and biggest weakness. people will take advantage of it. it will hurt. a lot. you’ll put time and effort into people who deserve neither. you’ll do it anyway because you choose to see the good in people. you’ll then forgive these people for hurting you and taking advantage. yes, you’ll feel like a mug but don’t regret being kind. just be sure to walk away, soon if possible, save yourself some pain.
you will travel so much… your passport will lead you to so many adventures. you’ll always be searching for somewhere to settle. nowhere, no one has felt like home yet. maybe you’ll never know quite where you’re meant to be.
you will see so much in the journey to find home… you’ll do so many things – please take more pictures!!
you’ll be faced with your share of demons. each time you think and feel that they’ve won you’ll find something inside you that tells you to keep fighting. hope is out there, you just have to choose to see it. there will be days when you hurt so much, you’ll cry yourself to sleep. on these days especially try to remember, hope is a choice everyday. like love. hope is a choice.
you will find your tribe. it will take a minute but the universe will bring them to you. they’ll understand you better than you do some days. you have always naturally shut people out for fear that they’ll use your emotions and weaknesses against you; the right people won’t do that. trust them. there will be people who do but that says more about them than you.
you will see your tribe have babies and get married and find the life and love that you dream about. make peace with the fact you may never find it. it will be hard – your biggest fear is that you’ll get to the end and have it confirmed what you’ve thought all along; that you are not worthy of being loved. of that kind of love. like i said earlier, fairytales are not real.
you feel too much. you think too much. when you think too much, you get unhappy.
the loneliness can be crippling. on the days it is, it’s ok to cry. it’s ok to just lie in bed. just try to remember what J (your therapist, he’ll be great for you) tells you – be kind to yourself. on the days you feel lost (they’ll be lots), be kind to yourself. on the days you hate yourself – be kind to yourself.
you might never know what the ‘point’ of all this is. you might never know why you’re here. you’ll have to try to make peace with that.
just try to laugh at least once a day and spread a bit of kindness. that way when you do go, you’ll go with a clear conscience.
xoxo M
