2018 – the countdown is on.

 

Wednesday 22nd November – where has this year gone?

this time last year i had just booked a flight to the other side of the world. i was unhappy and running from who i was and what i had become. i was confused about who i was and what i wanted from my life. i was convinced that running away from myself and my life would be what i needed to figure myself out. i thought that it would provide me with the clarity i sought.

i know it sounds dramatic but its true.

well, i didn’t get on that plane.

i can safely say it was the best decision i’ve made this year.

so much has happened to me this year, none of which would have been possible if i’d have run away.

i feel like i have really grown this year, i have made peace with a lot of events that have happened, i have gained the clarity in most areas in life that i so desperately sought. i don’t feel as though i’m as lost as i once was. 

here are some lessons i’ve learnt this year, some lessons that life has reminded me of, just in time for 2018. 

family is everything

this year i have been especially grateful for my family. we’ve been through a lot together this last year and it has only brought us closer as a unit. i am lucky enough to say that i like my family, as people, not just because we’re related. a fair amount of my friends seem to spend time with their family because its what they feel obligated to do. i do not. i do it because i really bloody like ‘em!

 your friends aren’t always your friends.

at 28 i’m sure i should have outgrown the ridiculousness of this but alas, i am still learning that your friends are not always that. they will not always support you, they will not always understand you. an example – the reactions that some friends made when i told them that i wasn’t going to Australia… well… lets just say it stung.

being able to acknowledge when i am wrong / when i’m being an arse is one of my biggest strengths.

this year, more than ever, i have realised this is quite a rare trait. I can hold my hands up when I have been a sucky person, or a sucky friend. i mean, i hate being wrong – i always have been an insufferable know it all so i hate having to say i’m wrong – but i can, and will, admit i am wrong when i am.

i recently messaged one of my oldest friends, someone who has continually reached out who I have rarely responded to, and apologised for being a shit friend. i didn’t try and excuse my behaviours, i just tried to make her see it was me and not anything she had done and that i still adore her.

only you can take care of yourself and your health,

 the last few months are the months i have been the most grateful in my life for our NHS. i have been feeling the benefit of my tax money. i am now, hopefully, on the up both physically and mentally, but it has given me a new perspective on all things health related – so much of it is within our control, the care we take of ourselves has the biggest impact on our health. what we put in our body to fuel it, what exercise we do (or don’t do) and the impact that has not only physically but also mentally. we need to make sure we’re taking the best care of ourselves. the situations we put ourselves in, the pressure we put on ourselves, the people we surround ourselves with… we might not be able to control every illness, every accident, but we can make sure that we are taking the best care of ourselves; that is within our control. you have to make your own health a priority.

your gut knows when it is not right – listen

everyone will give you their opinion if you let them and whilst it can be helpful to gain the perspective of an outsider ultimately you know when it isn’t right. trust yourself.

 you can’t force anything.

if it’s meant to be it will be, sure you need to make an effort initially but if it becomes too much like hard work and you’re not feeling the benefits, you’re not feeling satisfied then let it alone. chalk it up to experience and move on.

the idea of something is often better than the reality but you should still try.

You never know, you might just be surprised.

 if you have people in your life that make you feel like you have to apologise for who you are and what you like, get rid of them.

 or at the very least, distance yourself. i understand we all like to take the hand out of our friends, me possibly more than anyone, but if this turns into them making you feel bad about yourself it is not ok.

people that don’t love themselves cannot love you. same for those that don’t like themselves.

exactly as it says.

 support can come from the most unexpected places – appreciate it.

this year i have had support and understanding from someone that i never would have expected, i don’t think i will ever fully be able to thank them and i don’t think they will ever fully understand how much i appreciate all they’ve done for me.

 

2017 has in some ways been so confusing but i feel a different person this side of it. this year i can really see the change in myself, i can see how i’ve changed for the better. i’m much more sure of myself, i’m much more appreciative of who i have around me. i stopped running long enough to catch up with myself. 

2018, you’re a few weeks away but i’m excited for the adventures already. 

the return of saturn.

xoxo M

Happy Tears and Thank-Yous.

Location: Starbucks

Listening to: My ‘Musicals’ Soundtrack

Last night went like this.

5:30 – Home, spend the next hour hanging out with the fam and winding my BFF/ nephew MJ up (just for the record – when Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse comes on the TV and he runs up to me, arms raised to pick him up and dance with him to the theme tune is one of my favourite moments of the day)

6:30 – MJ and co leave to go home. Potter around for a couple of hours.

8:00 – Quick 10 min phone call with the BFG, chatting work and life

8:20 – BFG calls back with more news.

9:00 – Ready for bed (so yes, the answer to your question is I AM rock n roll), Netflix on. It’s a ‘The Big Bang Theory’ kind of evening.

9:15 – Another friend messages me to say ‘Thank you for being my friend’ we chat for a while

9:30 – Chat finished.

9:40 – I have been lost in my thoughts for the last ten minutes and suddenly find myself crying.

Yep, for no reason at all I just start crying.

WHO DOES THAT?

Then I start thinking, what is wrong with me? I have no reason to be crying. Why am I such a weirdo? I have always been a bit of a weirdo – I kind of like it to be fair – but more than a healthy amount of weird is the person that just starts to cry. They weren’t sad tears but rather happy ones, grateful ones. We all know happy tears are a thing but it isn’t something I recall affecting me too much. In fact I can tell you the four times I have ever been affected by happy tears.

  1. When my friends surprised me on my 18th birthday
  2. When Oscar was born
  3. When MJ was born
  4. When Arlo was born (which was actually today, the day I started this post)

That’s it.

4 times.

The happy tears came from a place of gratitude though. I was grateful. I AM grateful. I know it sounds odd but I have had a bit of a roller coaster these last six months. I left a job I thought I was done with, started a new one that I was a bit bored on but met some lovely people, rediscovered an old dream of living that Oz life, quit job, flew to America, decided I’d changed mind on old dream and came home in more ways than one.

I must have been a bit of a nightmare during that time. I know some of my nearest and dearest were worried my old friend depression would come knockin’ on my door again (he hasn’t) and were worried I’d regret my decision (I don’t) and thought I was having a mid-life crisis 30 years too early (my old/new bosses words and he isn’t completely wrong).

The support from the majority of people during these hectic few weeks and months has been sure and steady from those I always knew had my back and some I didn’t know did but was pleasantly surprised to find out they do. Of course there have a been a couple of people who have surprised me in an unpleasant way but I am choosing not to dwell on that, I’d rather move on from those people and leave them pre-breakdown.

I have written about the power of gratitude before. I’ve spoken about it to a few people. Thoughts become things – positivity breads positivity. Last night, after I got that message from my friend – which was completely unexpected – it triggered a non-verbal wave of gratitude. I don’t understand my emotions sometimes but last night I decided that I would write about it and list my thanks to my many family and friends that have been there for me this last while.

Role call please…

Mi familia – I apologise for freaking you out at 3am when I called to tell you I wasn’t going to follow the yellow brick road. Mel and DC, I’m glad I didn’t wake MJ up but to be fair you could have taken him to mum and dad’s as they had breakfast at 4am to ‘celebrate’. THANKS FOR BEING SO COOL WITH ME AND MY WAYS.

Mrs. Howman – the message you sent me when you found out I was coming home, made me cry – thanks for that. We’re so similar in so many ways, not just the fact that we were both Grandad’s favourites. We’ll always be cousins because of the whole ‘blood’ thing but I hope we’re always friends too.

Denise (or Dennis the menace) – who’d have thought that my very first supervisor at work would turn out to be such a good friend? 10 years is a long time to put up with anyone, especially when you work with them too. Thanks for always being there with a cup of tea to listen and tell me when I’m being a dick. You’re one of the few people I actually will listen to. We don’t really do emotions but I don’t think I’ve said thank you enough over the years.

Rachpal – Thanks for being my best friend. We’ve done a whole lot in the last 7 years but mostly we’ve laughed. We’ve laughed so much. An afternoon with you is the best tonic for most of life’s woes, even if you can’t fix it you’ll always try. You always keep me realistic when I’m chasing something. You’re not just a ‘yes’ person and I love that about you. Oh, and thank you for making your babies. I love them dearly.

The 4130 Rincon fam (Momma Sophs, Liseeee, WIlf) – you were all so cool during my breakdown, when the decision was made there was a simple “that’s cool, there’s no judgement. Just a margarita when you’re ready”. I know I’ll always have a safe place there with you if I ever need it and that puts so much peace in my heart. You are the greatest. Love you!

Markus – my brother. You were the one (along with Momma Sophs) that reminded to listen to me and what I wanted; no one else had done that for a long time. How you made out what I was saying during those voice notes where I was crying I’ll never know. Thanks for always being there to pick me up when I fall and to then push me back over again so we both have something to laugh at.

The BFG – I think I’m stuck with you whether I like it or not! You are one of the most genuine people I have ever met (and the most talkative) and you never tell me something just for the sake of it – you’re another person who isn’t just a ‘yes’ person. Thanks for taking losing the Oz holiday so well, at least we can adventure together now… oh the fun we’ll have! You’re a good egg, and I’m glad you chose me to harass all those phone calls ago at work. ( I know, I know HOW RUDE).

Humy – when you look at us we are so different, you are the glamorous, cool girl whilst I’m the dorky girl in comfortable shoes but somehow it works. It has since day 1. We might not see each other as often these days but I’ve survived a few personal shit storms with you by my side and visa versa. You’re incredible. Thank you.

Alice Lorraine – in the words of our favorite, Rick Astley “never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you” I realise that he means it in the romantic sense but it translates to friends too, kind of. Thanks for sticking around.

The best of the rest…

Byng – you are bloody brilliant. My life would be sooooo dull without you.

Mr and Mrs TayTay – thanks for offering me a home from home and thanks for always being supportive. Amy Jayne, you’re one of my biggest fans. Love you.

Charles in charge – There’s no one I’d rather singalong to T-Swizzle with.

The original 010 crew – you know I’m an idiot but you take care of me anyway. Thank you. I have never laughed at work with anyone more than I did with you.

Sophia and Leanna – I feel like I never see you anymore but remember you’re always my favourites.

J-RO, I miss the days when you and I could just hang out , the two of us. I miss you, friend. Thanks for the memories, we’ve had the best times.

Steph, RhiRhi, Ags – we’ve gone in such different directions and even though I am not much older than any of you – in fact I’m younger than one but won’t say which 😉 – we’ve never lost each other. There’s something really beautiful about that. I’m so proud to call you my friends.

Naughty Norman, you deserve your own shout out. You’re a top bird, cheers mate.

Heather, the sass queen, you’re bloody brilliant. Thanks for being you, crackhead.

In case you couldn’t tell I’m surrounded by some pretty f@ckin’ awesome people! I don’t know what I did to deserve it so I’m not questioning it, just saying thanks a bunch!

Something else I am also thankful for is to be going back to work! Around this time last year I was out with a friend and I remember saying “ I really love my job” and they replied “ I can tell”. I start back at work in a couple of weeks and I can’t wait to get back to feeling like that. Various things in last half of last year made me lose interest in work and I felt a bit bored with it all. I am going to be working for someone who I have a lot of respect for and surrounded by faces old and new. I’m so excited to be given this chance and to be out the house and interacting with everyone again for wholes days rather than just hours. To be working with friends again. Being unemployed is boring and I’m so bad at it. I think this is the best time to thank Netflix for keeping me company, though.

2017 is only 2 months in, and already I have so much to look forward to. I’m feeling good; life is good. 2017 holds a lot of potential and I’ll try and remember to say thank you every step of the way.

Oh, and to anyone else I may have forgotten… thanks

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All I ever wanted was the world.

Patience is a virtue, or so we’ve been told. I am not, by nature, a patient person. I want everything done yesterday and I want to be where I want to be now not tomorrow, or the next day, or this time next year. I can be very short-sighted when I’m looking at things; I don’t always see the little steps that lead to the big picture. I then end up frustrated and annoyed at myself that I haven’t turned my goal into reality within 2.5 seconds. There is a reason that my old work team (MC Massive, big up yourselves) called me Veruca Salt.

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In my defence though, it’s not something that many of us practice – life moves so quickly for so many of us that time to be practice patience is a luxury most of us feel that we don’t have. We are so switched on, all of the time. Running from A to B, working towards that next deadline. Time to plan and slow down, time to reflect on what we have accomplished is pretty much non-existent. We’re too busy looking at what we HAVEN’T done in the time frame we’ve allocated we look past what we have – I’m sure it can’t just be me that does that, or is it?

 

Luckily for me I have people around me that are willing to inject me with a shot of reality at just the right time. When I get excited about something, I want it as soon as possible so I come up with crazy plans and time frames in which these things are going to happen – I guess you could say I get carried away. This past week I finally got down to Eastbourne to see my most favouritest people in the world (yes, favouritest is a word) and whilst we were sitting in The Art House eating, drinking and catching up I was talking Rachel through my recent decision to click my ruby slippers home instead of following the yellow brick road to Oz (sorry, having musical conversations on Facebook whilst trying to write) and discussing what is next for me, what I’ve decided I want now I have taken the time to actually think about it and start being a real grown up. (I feel like I’m betraying Peter Pan just typing that)

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PETER, I’M SORRY, DON’T HATE ME

 

So there I was spouting all these things off that I want to achieve by tomorrow and Rachel was there, as she always is, to be the one to talk me down with a “you can do it all, just not as quickly as you want”. Michaela’s the name, high expectations is my game. I have been told my expectations are too high frequently and that I expect too much of both myself and others. This is just an example of that – having someone kick me a bit and help me be a bit more realistic on what I can achieve in a set time frame is a gift. It also means I am less likely to hate myself and call myself a complete failure this time next month when I haven’t done it all. As Rach said, nearly everyone has things they want to do, things they would change about their life but you have to be realistic about what you can do and when. Just because it isn’t happening now doesn’t mean it won’t ever. (MY BEST FRIEND IS SO WISE, Y’ALL)

 

So tomorrow I am going to sit down and re-write my 2017 goals (we all know January is just a trial month anyway, it doesn’t really count) with time frames to achieve it in and y’all, for once in my life I’ll make them realistic, I’ll exercise patience. Well, I’ll try… I mean I am new at this patience thing, cut me some slack!

 

XOXO

 

Micks

 

 

p.s I realise I am not from Texas and the like where it is acceptable to say y’all, but I just enjoy that amalgamation of words so don’t hate!

 

p.p.s Rachel, thank you for being awesome

 

p.p.p.s Thanks y’all for reading #sorrynotsorry : )

 

Lessons learnt. Things to remember. 17 for 2017.

Where I am: My boudoir

Listening to: Simple Plan / Boys Like Girls / P@TD! etc

 

 

Oh hey!

It’s become a bit of a habit for me to write these ‘lessons learnt’ lists, or ‘things to remember’ lists. I’ve written these at birthdays and new years over the last few years. If you’re bored of them then you can stop reading now. I offer no apologies though, it’s good to remind yourself of these things and I enjoy reflecting on the past year.

Here’s your ‘bye 2016, hi 2017’ edit.

1. Humans are scary, be kind.

We are destroying our planet and each other simultaneously. It is not religion or race that is doing these things. It is humans. The more I see, the scarier the human race seems to me. So be kind, the world needs more of that.

2. Not everyone signs up for your rules

This is something someone said to be a couple of months ago and it has helped me SO much and makes total sense. I am guilty of doing too much for people that don’t deserve it. I invest my time and energy in almost everyone and give relationships my all and then become surprised when I don’t receive the same care, thoughtfulness and consideration back. I found myself disappointed in people more often than not, I felt a lot of my friendships and relationships were one-sided. Until I was told this. Not everyone signs up for my rules. Just because I would do ‘x’ for someone, doesn’t mean they will do it for me. Humans are generally selfish creatures; call it survival of the fittest but we are always on the look out for number 1. We pick up people when we are bored, or need something that they can provide. Then we drop them with no second thought. Once their purpose is served we say goodbye and don’t look back. Now, I’m aware this is a very harsh view on people and the world but, let’s be honest, it’s pretty accurate.

Not everyone signs up for my rules. I just need to remind myself of that.

3. You need to live life for yourself – no one else.

This one seems like a given doesn’t it? But is it? How many times do we do something in a year that we didn’t want to do, but because it was expected of us? How many times do we grin and bear it just to keep the peace? Well you know what, eff that. No one wanted me to leave Mothercare (that I know of ha), everyone thought I was making a massive mistake. No one wants me to go off to Oz – most everyone has an opinion on it and that I should stay here and just be satisfied with what is available. My answer to that is, well, no. I’ve wanted to try Oz for a while, if I hadn’t left MC I wouldn’t be going there. You only regret the chances you don’t take, so let’s see what happens.

4. You’re never too old to make new friends

If you had asked me this time last year Id have said I’m cool with what I have. I have a good group of people around me, I don’t want or need anyone else. Fast forward a year and I have surprised myself. There’s people that have entered my life this year that I hope will be here to stay.

5. It’s ok to not know it all.

I have to religiously tell myself this. I hate not knowing everything. I’m used to being the person who helps everyone out and knows everything. It’s the Gemini in me. Jack of all trades, master of none type thing, you know? Well, the last half of 2016 and most of 2017 I have/will not know it all. New jobs, situations, friends etc … it’s ok to not know it all, sometimes we have to be the student again. The only person that seems to expect me to know it all is me.

 

6. Say yes. Wonderful things can happen.

‘Nuff said.

7. Having high expectations isn’t a bad thing, people will rise to them if they want to be in your life.

You’re either worth it or you’re not. Do you really want people around that think you’re not? I didn’t think so. Never lower your standards.

8. Being vulnerable is ok.

Beingvulnerableisok.beingvulnerableisok.beingvulnerableisok.sayitwithmeandImightbelieveit.beingvulnerableisok.

 

I’ve often been described as stoic; unaffected by most things, void of emotion etc.

Example 1 “Michaela has no heart – she won’t cry at that movie”

Example 2 “You won’t get any sympathy from Michaela, so don’t cry in front of her. She’s a cold bitch”

Truth is, like most people, I am affected. I’ve just got very good at hiding it over the years so people can’t use it against me. Is that a bit too cliché? Probably, but it’s the truth. I’m slowly learning that it’s ok to show emotion, that not everyone will use it against me. I have a list of about 4 people I will cry in front of now. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

9. People are allowed to change their minds.

Just that. Not everything is set in stone. People change their minds all the time. We might not like it, but it is a fact of life. The sooner we accept that, the better. ‘Tis what it is.

10. If it hurts you, walk away.

If being somewhere, or with someone hurts you stop going there and stop being with them. We have a tendency to over complicate the simple. If it hurts you, stop torturing yourself and walk away. It really is that simple.

11. Stop apologizing and start saying thank you instead.

This picture says it all. It’s a much nicer way to live life I think.

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12. Take a minute each day to stop and smile.

60 seconds. That’s all I’m saying. It can change your whole day, because really is it a bad day, or life? Or just a bad 5 minutes that you’ve decided to milk all day? Turn that frown upside down, sucker!

13. If you want help, ask for it.

9 times out of 10 people are always willing to help. There is no shame in saying ‘Yo, I have no clue wtf I’m doing, help a sister out.’ Or you know, if you don’t want to ask for help keep suffering in silence. You do you, boo.

14. Everything is temporary.

Every moment is temporary. Feelings are temporary, places and people are too. You’ve survived 100% of what has happened to you so far, the pleasure and pain was all temporary. You’ll survive. How do you feel now? You’ll feel differently in six weeks, and different still 6 weeks after that. The same can be said for how you think, what you believe in, what you want. It’s all temporary.

15.You get back what you put in.

Some call it Karma, others call it hippy nonsense, I call it a truth. You get back what you put in. Positive things happen to positive people.

16. It’s nice to visit the past, but don’t stay there.

When we miss people, places or times in our lives we all revisit the past. Everyday at work when they call the flights to Valencia I get a pang of longing for what was and what could have been. It’s great to visit that time in my life but I can’t stay there because it takes away from now and stops me making new memories here. That was just one chapter of my life, there are still many more to come.

17.Note to self: One day you will be number one on someone’s list.

This is all we all really want. I know it’s all I really want. Hopefully 2017 will be that year, if not, there’s always 2018!

See you around my birthday for the next one. Ok bbyeeee

xoxo Micks

Feck it, it’s 2017

Date: 14/12/16

Time: 8:27am

Where I am : On a train somewhere between Southampton and Weymouth

What I’m listening to: The Overtones ‘You’ve lost that loving feeling’ and anything else that Lachie sings lead on because THAT VOICE (insert heart eye emoji)

 

 

 

Hullo to you my lovely reader. It’s been a while hasn’t it. I hope this finds you all well and full of festive cheer. Christmas time, as a lot of you know, is one of my favourite times of the year – or at least the build up to it. Christmas day is normally a bit of a let down – everyone eats and drinks until they hate themselves and then there is an argument over who cheated at Monopoly. This year though, I am not as in to it as normal and that may be because I have something bigger to focus on.

 

January 1st.

 

No no, not that ‘new year, new me’ tosh.

January 1st I’m leaving the homeland for adventures with no return date.

Solo.

Alone.

All by myself. (you have to sing that one)

 

 

Am I excited? Yes.

Am I crazy? Most definitely.

Am I scared? Hell yes, but as someone once told me – if your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.

 

Doing the Australia work/travel thing is something that I have been talking/ dreaming about for 7 years now. Yep. SEVEN years. Almost a decade. It’s been 5 years since my old boss Mrs T (who currently resides there) told me to get my butt over there. “Give me a few years” I said… 5 years later…oops. There was always something in the way – there was the epic summer of ’13 in the States, then there was my sister’s wedding. Then I was petrified something would happen to my Grandad and I wouldn’t be here – October 2014 saw that horror realised. Then my sister got pregnant, my friend Amy got engaged and wanted me to write for the wedding and be in the wedding party… after that I ran out of excuses. They were all excuses too – the things I listed there (all bar the American Summer) would have happened regardless of me being in England or not. I could have gone and come back for those things but the truth is, I wasn’t brave enough to go. I was so used to relying on other people to keep me company, to take care of me and guide me that I would never have survived travelling alone. The loneliness would have killed me.

 

Now I figure, feck it. You can be lonely no matter where you are, so where better to be lonely than on a beach in Aus whilst topping up your vitamin D levels? Of course there is the possibility that I will not like it, I may find that the grass isn’t greener and home really is where the heart is. I’ve said for the last few years now, the more I travel the more I realise that London is the best city in the world – and it is right on my doorstep. Maybe I am silly for jumping ship across the world and leaving that behind. However, the beauty of the year 2017 is that I can come back whenever I want.

 

My visa is currently 6 months, with the option to stay on a work/travel visa in Aus for up to 2 years. The majority of my friends seem to think that I won’t come back – as my friend Amy put it “You’ll either hate it and be back within a week, or you’ll love it and we’ll never see you again”. It’s true, there rarely is grey area with me in anything I do. The idea that I may not come back probably goes someway to explaining why, when I talk to people, it feels like I’m dying “Oh I need to see you before you go!” “I can’t believe you’re not going to be here” and so on and so forth. I’m not dying people, I’m just going to see what the land down under has to offer for a wee while. Calm yourselves. Of course it’s nice people want to see me (I like being liked) but I don’t like a fuss and I feel that there is massive ‘fuss’ potential in this move, if that makes any sense? Probably not, I’ve had about 90 mins sleep in the last 24 hours so I apologise if it doesn’t make sense.

 

Truth be told I don’t know what is going to happen when I am away. I don’t know if I will love or hate it. I don’t have a plan on how long I will be there because of this. Maybe I’ll end up somewhere else. Who knows what could happen? So long as I am happy and healthy I’ll go wherever the wind takes me. The uncertainty is part of the adventure and, I may as well do it now because, why not? To quote the great philosopher Drake “YOLO”.

 

YOLO, that’s the motto.

 

xoxo

 

Micks

 

P.S if y’all have any recommendations for me of what to do/see in Aus then by all means let me know! I’d love to hear them.

 

 

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