I’ve come to realise something about myself in these last few weeks. I am an ‘all or nothing’ person. Go hard or go home could be my motto. I’ve always believed that you need to give something 100% or not bother; I have never seen the point of doing something if you are not completely in to it. I believe that to be a waste of time and energy. Having said that it’s quite surprising that I hadn’t realised I was an ‘all or nothing’ person; hey, I didn’t say I was a smart person.
Being an All or Nothing kinda gal (or an ANG as I like to call it) can have it’s perks, but as with everything on the flipside it can also be pain in the butt. I am currently finding it a pain in the butt. My thought process about everything is “If I can’t do this perfectly then I don’t want to do it at all” which leads to a whole load of indecisiveness and confusion. Being an ANG has made me a perfectionist. It makes it hard for me to relax; my mind is constantly on the go. About anything and everything. I frequently have less than 4 hours sleep a night because I cant switch off my overactive brain thinking about things that need to be changed, or things that need to be done. I’m very hard on myself; I never feel my best is good enough. I never feel anything good enough; my mum frequently tells me I am never satisfied *cue The Rolling Stones *. It makes it hard to realise when I’ve got a good thing going on, because I’m always thinking that something else could be changed to make it just that bit better, that bit closer to perfection; which is damaging to both myself and the person/people that are around at the time.
Of course there are, as with everything, perks to being an ANG too. I have high expectations of those around me and myself – I’ll give you 100% in everything I do. – work and life, 100% all in, all the time. If I need to work 14 days without a day off, then I’ll do it. I’ll even keep the moaning about being tired to a minimum. You need someone to call at 3am because you’re drunk and lost? Call me. I’ll come find you. You need a shoulder to cry on because you had an argument with a friend or your other half. I’m there. Not to judge, just to listen. I’ll give you 100% in whichever way I can.
I’m rarely bored. If I am it’s usually because I know what needs doing but, for whatever reason, I can’t act on it. When I do get bored there is always something else to distract me, another thought or a new Snapchat filter. In emergencies you can rely on my and my, otherwise average, stamina (I miss the gym) to turn it on for an extra oomph of power.
I frequently wish I was wired differently. That I wasn’t an All or Nothing type of person. That I was just happy with average, that I was happy being comfortable, that I wasn’t bothered about everything being perfect. Unfortunately for me, and those around me, I am not. However, I am going to try from now on.
I am going to try to not see everything as so black and white. I am going to try to appreciate all those shades of grey in-between. I am going to try to accept failure, maybe trying is enough; maybe the only failure really is not trying. I am going to try to not be so hard on myself, to try and remember that I am only human. That those around me are only human. That they are not perfect in the way I want them to be, just as I am not perfect in the way they want me to be, that I want me to be.
All I can do is try.