april, 2018

bonjour and hello to you, the reader of this post.

how are you? well i hope. is it just me or has april been another january? as in, it’s felt like it has lasted about 700 weeks. it is finally the end of the month which means i can use my favourite meme in this post because…

how am i? well, this month i’ve mainly spent it feeling like i’m in the way and a bit forgotten if i’m honest. which, i know sounds to most either

  1.  bratty
  2.  utterly ridiculous
  3.  a bit pathetic

the thing is, i know it is probably all of the above but it’s how i have been feeling. so shoot me, why don’t ya. it’s a feeling i’ve tried (unsuccessfully) to shake off. i know people are just very busy and that i am not the centre of their world. i know that cancelled plans and minimal communication is just a result of people being busy and having more important things taking up their time but it’s still how i’ve been feeling and i wont lie to you. and i wont apologise for it either because, as i’ve told many a person, you should never apologise for how you feel.

in a complete 180 i have also been feeling very inspired by all the marathon runners, both Brighton and London. how fantastic are they all? (answer: very)

our very own Teddy’s Tribe did it, raising a phenomenal amount of money in the process. the cheerleaders spent their time wandering around Brighton seafront (one of my favourite places in England, just FYI) sporting their Teddy’s Tribe Foundation T Shirts, and myself the chipped tooth and fat lip i gained courtesy of my nephew on the train down there.

hero of the month

celebrity

Jameela Jamil

i have followed Jameela for what feels like years now. i remember her presenting on T4 back in the day but i really started to love her when i started reading her columns in Glamour magazine. at least i think it was Glamour, it might have been Cosmo, it was one of them. i loved how ballsy she was, i loved that she didn’t hold any prisoners, i loved that she had fucking opinions like a real person and not some puppet created by a PR company to give the generally acceptable answers that didn’t differ from the status quo.

in more recent times people will know her as Tahani in NBC’s ‘The Good Place’. holy forking shirtballs it’s good. it’s one of those shows that are very easy to watch.

she also runs two Instagram accounts, one of which is the reason she is my celebrity hero this month.

‘I Weigh’ is a movement. a movement that encourages people to see themselves as more than the number on the scale because that is only part, a small part, of what we are. it’s bloody fantastic.

personal

there isn’t one this month. sorry, i just generally hate everyone this month sooooo

book of the month

giving myself a pat on the back because i read not one, not two but THREE books this month.

learning more about people April edition was : Patti Smith – Just Kids

what a story. a story of friendship, love and survival. a story based in one of the best cities in the world – NYC. a story that shows that success is not an overnight job for anyone. hard work is rewarded. a beautiful read that i would highly recommend.

Joanna Nadin – The Queen of Bloody Everything

a novel. this was sent to me for freee (i love it when that happens). i had to read it and then give my feedback on it. what i loved about this is that, whilst it was a love story, the main love story wasn’t based on romantic love but rather parental. the main relationship was between a mother and daughter – and we all know how complicated they can be.

Dolly Alderton – Everything I Know about Love

now this was supposed to be my ‘learn more about other people: May edition’ book but i read it in one day. so i need a new book for may, if you have any suggestions then send them to me.

my friend Amy, upon seeing i was reading this, said to me she wants to start a cult of dolly. well, Amy, sign me up. i devoured this book. every 20 something woman needs it.

i also realised after i finished that i always seem drawn to people and the stories of people that aren’t necessarily traditional. a lot of the biographies i read the people have made royal cock ups, or have had their hearts shattered, or have some form of mental illness. they’ve experienced the very worst of what life can give you, felt terribly alone, or like a failure, like they’ve been left behind but have lived to tell the tale. their stories fill me with hope and a sense of calm. they make me feel less alone, i guess.

soundtrack to the month.

there have been three songs on repeat for me across this month.

patti smith – because the night

anne-marie – 2002

chris lane – take back home girl.

bad joke of the month

this got me giggling this month

food of the month

i’ve been enjoying yoghurt pouches like the 5 year old i am and also, lots of tea and biscuits. as lent finished i’ve been making up for lost time. oh and MARMITE CHEESE. my mouth is watering just writing that. motherforking shirt balls, it’s delicious.

realisation of the month

i will always have a love-hate relationship with people. they fascinate me, but they also piss me right off.

april 2018

i’ve been thinking a lot about stories this month. everyone’s life is a story and we try to write it simply as beginning – middle – end but perhaps we have it wrong. perhaps our stories aren’t as simple as that. perhaps they are lots of little stories that each has their own beginning –middle – end. maybe the people we meet are who make up the chapters. maybe we need to let go of the role we think people play in our stories to see the role they really play. i’m sure i’ve played the heroine in some, the villain in others. i’m sure i have hurt people in ways i can never make up for even though it hurts to admit that. perhaps my ability to face the things i don’t want to, the things i convinced myself i wasn’t strong enough to make me the hero of some stories, perhaps it makes me the hero of my own story. the character i play in other people’s lives, the role i’m cast in is not mine to decide, really. some chapters, no matter how much time passes, will still be painful to revisit, as painful as they were when they came to an end. these chapters will mean we actively avoid things; places, foods, movies and music because they remind us of that pain and reliving some stories are too painful. at least for now. one day we’ll gain those things back – sure, deep down we’ll hear that song and remember that person that broke our heart, or that friend that let us down, but one day, we’ll be able to claim back those things and rewrite their meaning in our chapters, in our stories. at least that’s what i’m hoping.

happy may, friends.

be good. to yourselves and others.

xoxo micks

january ‘18

it’s finally here! the end of the longest month the world has ever known… seriously, is it just me or has this month dragged out? ordinarily you blink and it’s half way through the month, this month you blinked and you’d gone back in time. sweet baby yoda.

anywhooo, how are we all? surviving? i’m plodding along as per.

i’ve been trying to decide whether to carry on sharing my random thoughts on this site, primarily because i generally feel like i’m talking to myself most of the time and whilst that is fine, i can just talk to myself out loud rather than writing it down – i do this frequently anyway so i would just be saving myself some time. as some of you know, last year i gave myself a goal to post once a week, which i did (go me), but writing wasn’t so much fun when i knew i had to publish it – i write mainly for myself, and most of my writing is for no ones eyes but my own. and to be fair, it probably wouldn’t make sense to anyone else – it barely makes sense to me. it has been really nice this month just writing for me again.

the conclusion to my uncertainty was this – yes, i do still want to write about my crap on here but not so frequently, i think once a month will suffice. in all honesty i don’t really have time to post more – my friend amy said to me this weekend “you are literally the hardest person in the world to pin down to see. you have to book in with you 6 months in advance, you tell us you have a day free, then we go away to see if we’re free and come back to you for you to say, sorry! made plans now with xyz person” – i didn’t actually realise this but its pretty accurate. soz mate. i’m actually thinking about starting a deposit scheme – pay me £50 to secure your requested date and you’ll get it back when i see you.

and then i got to thinking how my posts might look, so rather than me rambling on (like i have done thus far in this post) i’m just gonna give my month recap for those that care in a ‘…of the month’ format. i don’t know if any of that explanation really made sense but continue reading and hopefully it will…

hero of the month

celebrity: halsey

did you see her speech at the women’s march? i cannot tell you how many times i have watched it but i can tell you that every time i do watch it, i cry. it is so, so powerful.

i cannot tell you how many debates i have gotten into with people over the ‘times up’ / #metoo movement and the fact that only now a lot of women are coming forward “why has it taken them so long?” “they’re being too sensitive” “it was all just a joke back in my day”. in my view, people who say things like this are part of the problem. and in response i say because it’s scary to come forward when the men that are doing it hold power over you, physically and otherwise. these women are really brave for coming forward and publicly about something this sensitive. i say, it is not your place to tell them they are being too sensitive – we all have personal boundaries and we don’t like them being abused. i say, well if you were happy with bob from accounts slapping your ass, or grabbing you by the pussy at work and found it funny, great for you. i say, that yes, we need to teach girls to protect themselves because unfortunately that is the world we live in but what do we need to teach more than that? well, we need to teach people not to fucking rape – and i say people because i am well aware that females can be rapists too. this is not just a one-sided issue (although stats of reported rapes suggest that women are 7x more likely to be raped than a man is).

personal: my sister, melissa

she’ll probably roll her eyes at this but she definitely needs a shout out. after the longest time she has finally stood the fuck up for herself and is making some changes that are long overdue. she is a worrier and so i can only imagine her anxiety at these changes that are coming up for her BUT i think she is a fuckin superstar for putting herself first and for knowing that she deserves so much more than she’s currently getting. you go, sister!

book of the month

leah remini: troublemaker

i am obsessed with her and scientology. i find it so fascinating. she’s got gumption! i read her book super quickly, maybe it took me a week max. one of my goals this year is to learn about other people – i am aiming to read a new biography/autobiography each month and leah’s started me off. i’m now reading hillary clinton’s ‘what happened’.

soundtrack to the month

‘now that’s what i call country’

i am completely unashamed about my love for all things ‘country’. this month i have mainly been listening to this album.

the greatest showman: soundtrack

this one has slipped in at the last-minute because i refused to listen to the soundtrack until i saw the movie. i imagine this will be featured on all my posts until the end of the year.

bad joke of the month

(bad jokes are like crack to me, send me all of yours)

why did the banana go out with the prune? because he couldn’t find a date!

also, one i heard today,

“what’s the most common owl in britain?”

“the teat owl… as in the teatowel”

i laughed for a good 5 minutes.

food of the month

well, it’s not really ‘food’ but its a condiment. french mustard. it’s just the frickin best. its taken ketchup’s place at the top of my list and i am enjoying grossing everyone out by putting it nearly everything.

realisation of the month

this is where i try to sound all deep and intelligent.

this month i have really realised that people are bloody shit, but that they are also bloody brilliant. you can’t make people understand you because not everyone wants to or can be bothered to. and that’s ok. the ones that are worth it will stick around and try to understand, the ones that are worth it will make the effort. the rest of them can go fuck ’emselves.

my other realisation of the month is that i swear too much. starting tomorrow i’m going to try to change that. maybe.

january.

i spent a lot of my time at work, i worried about what my new boss thought of me and tried to build a good relationship with him. i let go a bit at work, i tried to remember that i can only do so much, that my team can only do so much. i tried to remember to say ‘thank you’ more. i tried to remember that you only get back as much as you put in. i gave my time and energy (and days off) to people and colleagues that i know appreciate it and deserve my time. i stayed away from those that do not. i said no more. that word is revolutionary, i tell ya! i smiled. i cried. i laid foundations for moments to come. i sung. i danced. i had busy but good month. i tried.

AND i even managed to record a second a day.

january, the longest month ever on record, you were alright.

 

shantaram – pt.2

 I posted about the book Shantaram a few weeks back but due to my crazy I stopped reading, primarily because I could not concentrate on it nor lift my head off my pillow to read a sentence, let alone a page. I am still about half way through but am determined to finish it because, in case I didn’t mention it before, I adore this book.

 It never fails to amaze me just how powerful words when combined in the right way can be yet when we see them in a dictionary alone they seem powerless. We have to use them wisely because they can empower us but also destroy us.

I shared before some of my favourite passages from the story, but that was just the beginning. The more I read the more food for thought this story seems to give me.

Read on below to see some more words of wisdom.

 

I think suffering is a matter of choice. I think that we do not have to suffer anything in this life if we are strong enough to deny it. The strong man can master his feelings so completely that it is almost impossible to make him suffer. When we do suffer things, like and so, it means that we have lost control. So I will say that suffering is a human weakness.

 

Is it not true that some of our strength comes from suffering? That suffering hardship makes us stronger. That those of us who have never known a real hardship and true suffering cannot have the same strength as others who have suffered much?

 

I think that when we grow up and learn that happiness is rare, we become disillusioned and hurt. And how much we suffer is a mark of how much we have been hurt by this realization.

 

When we act, even with the best of intentions, when we interfere with the world, we always have a new disaster that mightn’t have been of our making, but that wouldn’t occur without our action.

 

Some of the worst wrongs were caused by people who tried to change things

 

The worse things that people do to us always make us feel ashamed. The worst things people do always strike at that part of us that wants to love the world. And a tiny part of the shame we feel when we’re violated, is shame at being human.

 

Lovers always find their way by such insights and confidences; they’re the stars we use to navigate the ocean of desire. And the brightest of those are the heart of breaks and sorrows. The most precious gift you can bring to your lover is your suffering.

 

Men reveal what they think when they look away and what they feel when they hesitate; with women it’s the opposite.

 

At the moment most of our ways of defining the unit of morality are similar in their intentions though different in their details. So the priests of one nation bless their soldiers as they march to war and the imans of another country bless their solders as they march out to meet them and everybody who is involved in the killing says that he has God on his side. There is no objective and universally accepted definition of good and evil and until we have one we will go on justifying our own actions whilst condemning the actions of others.

 

If you turn your heart into a weapon you always end up using it on yourself.

 

Sooner or later fate puts us together with the people who show us what we could or shouldn’t let ourselves become. Sooner or later we meet the drunkard, the waster, the betrayer, the ruthless mind and the hate filled heart but fate loads the dice of course because usually we find ourselves pitying all of these people and its impossible to despise someone when you honestly pity and to shun someone you truly love.

 

My hate is what saved me. Hate is a very resilient thing you know, hate is a survivor. I had to hide my hate for a long time, people couldn’t handle it, they got spooked by it so I sent it outside myself. It’s weird that I was a refugee for years, I still am, my hate was a refugee just like me. My hate was outside me. My family were all killed, raped and butchered and I killed men, I shot them, I cut their throats and my hate survived out there. My hate got stronger and harder and then I woke up one day working for Khader with money and power and I could feel the hate creeping back into me and it’s here now, inside me, where it belongs and I’m glad, I enjoy it. I need it, Lin. The stronger I am it’s braver that I am, it’s stronger than I am. My hate is my hero.

 

 

 

I mean… *insert heart-eye emoji here*
Xoxo

Micks

reflections on a younger self. 

last night i found myself looking through my old journals and diaries. i don’t know why but as i was placing a book on my bookshelf i saw them and decided to pull some out and relive what i’d lived. 

a lot of the entries are not dated so i don’t know the last time i wrote in them – i can only guess it was around this time 2 years ago because of what i’d written about in them, certain incidents in my life that happened then are the focus of my last scribbles.

what i do know reading them is that i’ve changed. i can see the change in myself through the words on the page. is that weird? life is the strangest thing – we don’t see that we’re moving forward day to day but when we look back so much has changed. so much has happened. 

i like this person i’m becoming.

even on the days when i can’t see through the fog, even on the days when i want the world to go away. i like the person i am becoming. 

i look back at my old entries and feel what i felt back then but i am also able to see it differently. i can see the heart and heartbreak i felt over the boy who didn’t love me enough to not hurt me, the boy i would have moved across oceans for had he asked me again and not only see my pain, but also his. who am i to say he didn’t love me enough just because he didn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me. i can see the good in that goodbye.

i read back through the confusion and see that i have gained clarity, not in everything, but in some things. and for now that is enough.

i look at the old entries and see someone who was fighting against herself but couldn’t see that’s what she was doing. who thought that emotions were a sign of weakness (especially the sad ones). i was so proud of being so guarded and so unfeeling to the world. i was so proud of never having shared my true self with anyone. 

i thought that made me strong.

in actual fact i think now it showed my weakness, my insecurity. the ability to feel, to show emotions – the good and the bad – is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. you can’t shut it out, you can’t shut yourself off from it. you can try, but it will catch  up with you eventually. everything you run from always does.

i know more about me now.

what i want

where i want to go

life makes it hard to remember those things  sometimes but that’s why i write. it reminds me who i am and what i want. it focuses me when i need direction. when i need to get stuff off my chest. when i need a friend. there’s always a piece of paper and a pen around, no matter what time of the day it is. 

when i get lost i can pick those friends up and draw myself a map back home. 

xoxo

micks.

pictures of me from 2008 to the present day. there is one every year from 2008 doing various things with various people. the only year missing is 2016 because it wouldn’t fit!

shantaram – pt. 1

where i am: montrose, CA

what im listening to: tori kelly- unbreakable smile

can i just say this holiday rocks! i haven’t been this relaxed in so long – i haven’t eaten  this much in forever – i am constantly full up. its got to the point where i may need to book an extra seat on the flight home to accommodate my increasingly large arse. not only that but i am getting the chance to write so much, i haven’t written in my notebook this much since the beginning of the year when i was a bum. the more i write, the clearer my head feels, always.

today’s post is a little different from the norm in that i’m going to be giving you someone else’s words and thoughts and not my own.

i am constantly fascinated with people, their stories, their lessons, their thoughts and views on life and everything that happens to us. 

if you’ve been reading my posts for a while you’ll know i can be quite sensitive (i pretend i am not “i don’t have a heart” is a favourite line of mine) but actually i am really sensitive and i feel everything probably a bit more than i should. i am that girl that can burst into tears over a book, a song or even an advert on the telly (yes, i’m a loser). 

i was recently lent a book by a friend called ‘shantaram’ by gregory david roberts. i am obsessed. there are so many truth bombs in the text, so many statements that make me really think and so many that resonate with me. i’m going to share some of them here. also, i’ve called this part one because i can guarantee i will end up sharing more from this book in the future. you’re welcome. 

“It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant. The choice you make between hating and forgiving can be come the story of your life”

The best thing in the world is power… love is the opposite of power, that’s why we fear it so much”

“She loved the guy. She did it for him. She would’ve done anything for him. Some women are like that. Some loves are like that, from what I can see. Your love starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self respect and your independence. After a while you start throwing people out, your friends, people you used to know. And it’s still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking and you know it’s going to take you down with it. I’ve seen that happen to a lot of girls here. I think that’s why I’m sick of love.”

“There’s a truth that’s deeper than experience. It’s beyond what we see, or even what we feel. It’s an order of truth that separates the profound from the merely clever, and the reality from the perception. We’re helpless usually in the face of it; and the cost of knowing it, like the cost of knowing love, is sometimes greater than any heart would willingly pay. It doesn’t always help us to love the world but it does prevent us from hating the world. And the only way to know the truth, is to share it, heart to heart…”

“I think that we all, each one of us, we all have to earn our future. I think the future is like anything else that is important. It had to be earned. If we don’t earn it, we don’t have a future at all. And if we don’t earn it, we don’t deserve it. We have to live in the present, more or less forever. Or worse, we have to live in the past. I think that’s probably what love is – a way of earning the future”

“One of the reasons we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you”

“Fate has every power over us but two. Fate cannot control our free will, and fate cannot lie. Men lie, to themselves more than to others, and to others more often than they tell the truth. But fate does not lie”

Reality – as you see it, as most people see it – is nothing more than an illusion. There is another reality, beyond what we see with our eyes. You have to feel your way into that reality with your heart. There is no other way”

“Justice is not only the way we punish those who do wrong. It is also the way we save them”

“It’s forgiveness that makes us what we are. Without forgiveness, our species would have anhilated itself in endless retributions. Without forgiveness, there would be no history. Without that hope, there would be no art, for every work of art is an act of forgiveness. Without that dream, there would be no love, for every act of love is in someway a promise to forgive. We live on because we can love, and we love because we can forgive”


i mean…  wow, right? 

some of those i read, and re read, and read again. i copied those down in my journal and annotated them, i added my thoughts (i haven’t done that here because i don’t think it’s necessary and would probably take away from the original message) some of those made me really sit and think. others brought me to tears. does that make me weird? most likely. i’m ok that. 

i’m about halfway through the book and i’m excited to see how it turns out. if you’re looking for a new book to read i can’t recommend it enough. 

xoxo

Micks 

Book Club

Hello and welcome. I have a weekend off, the sun is shining through the window, Moana is on my telly , I’m feeling particularly anti social and I am writing, with a cup of tea. Life is good.

 

When I sat a wrote my goals for the year one of them was to post every week – I’m a post behind. Another of those goals was to read at least 2 books a month; this one I’ve actually achieved. In fact, each month (except for March because March was just madness) I’ve read 3 books. I know, high-five me! I love a good book that takes me away for a minute. I could be sat on a train physically but in my head I’m on a beach in Barbados, or travelling around on horseback in the mountains with Native Americans, crying with someone on a sofa in Suffolk. A book can take you wherever you want to go, and you might learn something whilst you’re there.

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If you’re looking for some book recs then read on, friends.

 

 

January

Book 1 – If I could tell you just one thing by Richard Reed

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I love to talk to people and find out what motivates them, to learn about how they got to where they are and why they’ve become who they are. Richard talks to a wide range of people, touches on this subject and asks them “If you could give everyone just one piece of advice what would it be?” A very interesting read.

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Book 2 – You and Me, always by Jill Mansell

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Jill is the Queen of chick lit for me. It’s a case of same meat, different gravy but I find something so comforting in that. It’s nice that everyone gets a happy ending somewhere, even if it is only in the pages of a book

 

Book 3 – Texas Bride by Rosanne Bittner

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This book is actually part of a series of books ‘The Bride Series’ if you will so yes there is romance at the forefront of it. What I actually really enjoy the most of these books is the historical side to them – based around the treatment of the Native Americans, how they were viewed and forced out of their own land.

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February

 

Book 1 – Happy by Fearne Cotton

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Any book that talks about mental health is ok in my mind. Fearne shares her story, talks to her friends about their mental health and breaks down areas of life that we need to pay attention to in order to stay ‘Happy’. To some it may be common sense, to some it will be a tool to guide them in the right direction.

 

Book 2 – Wildflower by Drew Barrymore

 

I don’t feel I can give this a rating because this is Drew talking about her life experiences and the stories that make her, her. It’s not my place to judge her life but I really enjoyed reading about it. I really like her, her philosophy and I like to think that if we ever met we could be real life friends. Hippy friends.

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Book 3 – Fantastic Mr Fox by Roald Dahl

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I felt like taking it back down memory lane – I found this book in my bookcase and as it is one of my favourite Dahl books I couldn’t not read it; it’s timeless.

 

March

 

Book 1 – Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher

 

I LOVE HER. Very similar to Drew’s book, this is Carrie talking about her life and the various situations that being Hollywood royalty got her in to. She is fierce, fearless and fabulous. It just confirmed my belief that we lost a goddess last year and someone that could totally be in my gang.

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Book 2 – Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote

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We all know the story of the elusive Holly Golightly, most of us know Audrey Hepburn as her. I’ve seen the movie; you probably have as well. I enjoyed this more than the movie though, the basics are the same but I feel that Capote sells me Holly more – I didn’t particularly care for her in the movie but I do in the book. I relate to her in ink, but not on the screen.

 

April

 

Book 1 – The Cows by Dawn O’Porter

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EVERYONE STOP THIS NOW AND GO READ THIS BOOK. I could not put this down, I read all 460 + pages of it in less than 24 hours. It is a book about women for women by a woman. I have long admired Dawn, she is one of my favourite ladies in the spotlight but this has made me love her a whole lot more. It is such a powerful novel about women judging each other but also judging ourselves. It reminds us that, actually, rather than tearing each other down, we’re the strongest when we lift each other up. You will never read this but thank you, Dawn for writing this. I think it’s what we all need to remember right now.

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Book 2 – Nightwalker by Diane Hoh

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Again, this was a walk down memory lane. When I was a teenager I loved the Point Horror series – I always fancied myself as a Nancy Drew type, mystery solver. This was one of the books in the ‘Nightmare Hall’ series. It’s been 15 years since read these and I still never guess the culprit right! God damn it!

 

Book 3 – Diary of a Fat Girl by Moira Mugweni

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I think that the message behind it is really important. So long as you love yourself, that’s all that matters. I would be telling porkies if I said that this didn’t bring a tear to my eye on more than one occasion, even though the main character is only 18 – how she talks about her self, how she cares about what other people see and say and think of her, it reminds me of me at times. A very important read for any teenage girl. Over the course of the summer Burn learns a very important lesson, she starts off trying to change herself for everyone else but slowly realises that she needs to change for herself, as really that’s the only opinion that matters.

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I’m now off to hunt the local Waterstones for some new books for the next few months.

If you’ve any recommendations then let me know, as you’ve gathered, I love a good book.

 

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Numerology, Soulmates and Jake.

Soul mates. Do you believe in them? I know I have written about them before and my belief hasn’t changed. I still believe in them but not in the traditional sense of there is one for everyone. I believe that we all have multiple soul mates; time and circumstance determines which ones we find, when and why.

There is a great quote from Eat. Pray Love about soul mates. It talks about how we aren’t meant to stay with them, that we meet them to learn about ourselves, they shake things up for us and then they move on. I think this is true, at least it rings true for me and it’s what I choose to believe.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tears your walls down and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah, too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave. And thank God for it” – Eat, Pray, Love. 

Most people who know me well know I am open to most things and believe in things that others might not necessarily. Things such as spirits, zodiac sign traits tarot cards etc so to those people that know that it wouldn’t surprise them to hear I had my numerology read the other night. It wasn’t massively in-depth, just scratched the surface on a few areas of life.

Numerology, for those of you that don’t know, is the study of numbers and how they affect and reflect certain aptitudes and personality traits. Each letter has a numeric value and these numbers show a great deal about character, purpose in life, what motivates the person who’s having their numbers read and also where their talents lie.

Of course, along with anything else that doesn’t have solid proof, there are many that don’t believe it and think it to be absolute tosh. I find it extremely interesting and am open to hearing it at least. Perhaps they got lucky when reading mine but there were a few things that rang true for me; especially within the relationships section, here are some snippets.

(N.B they had no idea of my current relationship status, dating history etc)

 

“You’re pretty choosy about romantic partners”

 

“You’re unpredictable… nonconformist… what pleases other women doesn’t please you”

 

“…far from domestic in the traditional sense of the word”

 

“you’ve been successful in all areas but have struggled in relationships, you don’t trust easily”

 

“Recently, there has been someone, you’ve known for a while, you feel safe with him. He loves you very much, he will affect your life for years to come. Romantically though, it is not meant to be”

 

This could be completely coincidental, but there has been someone the last while. Let’s call him Jake. We’ve known each other a few years, always gotten along. We’ve a very similar sense of humour and he’s the only person I’ve met that can keep up with me… I won’t bore you with the details but there is a mutual attraction.

As they say, timing is everything and the timing for Jake and I isn’t right, and I don’t think it will ever be. Hearing that ‘romantically, it isn’t meant to be’ has actually helped me in a weird way. Accepting that something isn’t meant to be is hard, especially when you appear to be so compatible. At least I think we are but, Jake likes his life as it is and I am… well me. For this one I am not worth the risk.

 

I do believe that Jake is a soul mate for me in the ‘Eat.Pray.Love’ sense of the word. I have learnt a lot about myself, what I want and expect from others, that there are others out there that I can be honest with and vulnerable and they won’t use it against me or use it to make me feel stupid. I really could have fallen in love with him. Alas, it is not to be and the numerology reading, whether you believe it or not, has calmed me and made me see that. Some may find that crazy (him included, in fact I know he’ll think it a lot of nonsense) but hey, it takes allsorts.

 

Though Jake and I will never happen romantically, I hope we always stay in each others lives; I have the utmost love and respect for him. He’ll always be my favorite ‘almost’.

 

Oh and Jake, you sarcastic ray of sunshine, thanks.

 

 

Xoxo

 

Micks