reflections on a younger self. 

last night i found myself looking through my old journals and diaries. i don’t know why but as i was placing a book on my bookshelf i saw them and decided to pull some out and relive what i’d lived. 

a lot of the entries are not dated so i don’t know the last time i wrote in them – i can only guess it was around this time 2 years ago because of what i’d written about in them, certain incidents in my life that happened then are the focus of my last scribbles.

what i do know reading them is that i’ve changed. i can see the change in myself through the words on the page. is that weird? life is the strangest thing – we don’t see that we’re moving forward day to day but when we look back so much has changed. so much has happened. 

i like this person i’m becoming.

even on the days when i can’t see through the fog, even on the days when i want the world to go away. i like the person i am becoming. 

i look back at my old entries and feel what i felt back then but i am also able to see it differently. i can see the heart and heartbreak i felt over the boy who didn’t love me enough to not hurt me, the boy i would have moved across oceans for had he asked me again and not only see my pain, but also his. who am i to say he didn’t love me enough just because he didn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me. i can see the good in that goodbye.

i read back through the confusion and see that i have gained clarity, not in everything, but in some things. and for now that is enough.

i look at the old entries and see someone who was fighting against herself but couldn’t see that’s what she was doing. who thought that emotions were a sign of weakness (especially the sad ones). i was so proud of being so guarded and so unfeeling to the world. i was so proud of never having shared my true self with anyone. 

i thought that made me strong.

in actual fact i think now it showed my weakness, my insecurity. the ability to feel, to show emotions – the good and the bad – is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. you can’t shut it out, you can’t shut yourself off from it. you can try, but it will catch  up with you eventually. everything you run from always does.

i know more about me now.

what i want

where i want to go

life makes it hard to remember those things  sometimes but that’s why i write. it reminds me who i am and what i want. it focuses me when i need direction. when i need to get stuff off my chest. when i need a friend. there’s always a piece of paper and a pen around, no matter what time of the day it is. 

when i get lost i can pick those friends up and draw myself a map back home. 

xoxo

micks.

pictures of me from 2008 to the present day. there is one every year from 2008 doing various things with various people. the only year missing is 2016 because it wouldn’t fit!

how can I become less? 

Where I am: in bed, Montrose CA feeling like absolute rubbish (in case you wondered) 

What I’m listening to: La La Land is on in the background.

It’s my last night in CA until who knows when, I’ve had a ball these last couple weeks with one on my best friends (I apologise to my snapchat friends for the snaps you’ve had to endure). In my quieter moments on this trip, I’ve been thinking about stuff. In my quieter moments I’ve definitely been overthinking stuff. I’ve been thinking about myself and my behaviours, my character. 

Over the last few years I have been told that I am ‘a lot to handle’; that I am ‘too much’. Not just by one person, once. There have been a few different people on a few different occasions. Every time I’m told that it seems to stick in my memory more.

I’m not quite sure what they meant when they said it. I have never known whether to take it as a compliment or an insult; I tend to lean towards the latter.

“Too much” isn’t something that’s normally associated with positives, is it? Too much by definition is “an intolerable, implausible or exhausting situation or experience” (Google)  Not something I’d like to be known as really.

So my question is how do I make myself less? Is it possible to make myself just enough, just the right amount? Do I make myself smaller? My voice? My attitude? Do I have less opinions? Should I be quieter? Or laugh less? 

If you have the answers please let me know.

I don’t want to be ‘too much’. I’d like to be enough. 

xoxo Micks  

Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream? 

Where I am: Nick’s bedroom, LA

Listening to: ‘King of Wishful Thinking’ by Go West 

Week 3 and I’ve been learning lots about myself this week. Read oooon playas….
The beauty of life is in how it twists and turns. How you can be heading in one direction, so sure of your choices until suddenly, it comes to crunch time and you realise it’s not quite right. Too often I think we stay the course because of what we think we should do, or what we think everyone will think, the people we’ll disappoint, the money we’ll waste, the dreams we’re not ready to let go of. Even if they’ve changed. The sudden change of direction (or heart) can be scary but “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”. 


Now, 7 years ago I formulated a plan with someone very special to me. We had a dream. Whilst we had lots in common we had 2 passions that bonded us the most. Music and Travel. We spent hours talking about the adventures we were going to have, to a soundtrack of eclectic music. We spoke of where we were going to go, what we’d see, the food we’d eat (yum!), the music we’d listen to. We decided that once I was done with university we were going to go to Australia. We were going to go and live and it was going to be FAB.U.LOUS. 

We loved all music but Simon and Garfunkel was our favourite.



Over the years things changed and the talk of travel became less and less. We finally stopped talking of it altogether. Reality forces things on you. When you’re not in the ‘real world’ dreams seem more attainable I think, and we both had a tendency to live in a dream world – not the real one. The last time we spoke was the summer of 2013. I’d graduated from university in 2011 and still the ‘Australia’ dream hadn’t happened. I decided there, sat in my friend’s backyard in LA that I could still do it. It would just have to be alone. It could still be fun. At some point I’d go.

Then life got in the way and things started happening that made me forget that dream. Fast forward 3 years and I was unhappy with my life. I felt stuck in a life I hadn’t dreamt for myself. I felt like I had nothing of worth to hold on to (dramatic I know but, in the words of Miranda, bear with). I was trying to figure out my next move, listening to my iPod, when Simon + Garfunkel came on. I took that as my sign. The old dream that was in the back of my mind. Australia, it was. 

I quit my job and I was on my way (via LA). I had everything in place. I told everyone I was leaving. Visas, flights, CV updated and circulating. Hostel booked. Transfers. The whole shebang.                           Nerves set in, of course. The realisation of being in a strange city on the other side of the world, alone, was starting to set in but, hey, a “hello” is all it can take to make a new friend, right? I knew, after pep talks and some sound advice, I’d be ok. Besides, I had 2 weeks Stateside to have fun first! 

The days passed, friends left, more arrived. A weird feeling of ‘did I make a mistake?’ came over me when I thought of Aus but I dismissed it as nerves quickly, like I did any talk of Australia whenever anyone brought it up. Everyone was talking about the adventure and how exciting it would be and I felt silly for second guessing myself. 

Until it came to crunch time.

I was packed. The car was en route. The anxiety set in. The pep talks started from my friends. During a last one with Mark I realised – somewhere amongst the hype and excitement – my dream had changed, I’d just not been honest with myself. 

I’m normally led by logic. The logical side of my brain had been engaged – everyone knew I was going. It was all set. It made sense to go. This time I let myself be led by my emotions and I listened to my heart (Gosh, this sounds cheesy doesn’t it?) In the times I’ve actually been honest with myself, I’ve always trusted what’s in my heart and it’s never been wrong.

So that’s what I did. 

I didn’t get on the plane. 

I stayed in LA in order to build a new dream, take time to envision what I really wanted and not what the 21 year old me wanted. 

Someone much wiser than me said to me that “hindsight is 20:20 vision”  and she’s right; looking back the doubts were there but I got so caught up in everyone’s excitement and my nostalgia and in my wanting to escape a life I’d grown tired of. It’s only when I stepped away from the noise and was in LA that I had the time to listen to me. 

Luckily, my friends here in LA have said stay for as long as you want. Legally I can stay here until April so there’s plenty of time to figure out what I want to do and formulate a plan. Even now my flight home is booked they keep telling me to extend my stay more “change it again, stay a couple weeks extra. The super bowl is coming up, you have to stay for that”.

The time away has given me time to think and plan my own life, and figure out what I want. For once, I have a 10 year plan! We’re in week 3 of 2017 and already my dreams have changed, but at least I have one. I just gotta get home and make it happen now! 


Xoxo

Micks 

You’re not scared of climbing mountains, you’re scared that you can’t make them move.

“Making a big life change is scary, but you know what is scarier?

REGRET”

 

 

This quote is so applicable to my life right now it is freaky. As my family and friends know I am currently working my notice period for a company I have worked at for (on and off) 10 years. I’ve worked my way up from a 6hr Sunday girl to store manager. The company has supported me completely throughout this time, providing me with a part-time job during university, a career after. They have allowed me to take sabbaticals to go off, explore the world and live my best life whilst providing me with a safety net to return to when I’m done. It’s been my comfort blanket for the last 10 years. On August 13th 2016 that comfort blanket is gone for good.

 

A change gon’ come.

 

Now, considering I was the one who made the decision to leave you’d think I’d be more excited about the new challenges that lay ahead with my new job and I am, to an extent, but I am also shitting my pants a bit. Why? Exactly as that quote says – change is a scary thing. I know my job I have now (after 10 years I’d be worried if I didn’t), I still love the company – I believe in where it is going and its vision for the future. Whilst it is not perfect (no business is), it’s determined to be the best in its category. I adore the (majority of) customers that come through the door; in fact I properly enjoy talking with the kids more than the adults! My favourite customers I have seen through numerous children, they have come back to see me time and again – one customer even followed me from my previous store to the one I’m currently in.

To think that will be gone is both sad and scary.

Some of my close friends have had the drama of me officially making this decision – when I handed my notice in my regional manager made it VERY hard to leave – so hard in fact that when I hung up the phone to him I promptly burst into tears through both confusion and because he was very nice to me and I wasn’t expecting it. I then called Den and Michelle straight away and they spoke whilst I cried a bit more, I then crazy messaged my friend in Weymouth shouting about needing her life coach advice (She’s yet to steer me wrong) and then starting harassing two people who’s opinions I value a lot through the mediums of Whatsapp and Snapchat. Ultimately the decision was mine and I decided to go ahead with the resignation because I have bigger, long-term plans and could never live with the ‘what if’ that I know I would end up with if I stayed.

 

Over the last week I have almost called my RM and retracted my notice on a couple of occasions because change is scary. Because I worry that I’ve made the wrong choice and the grass isn’t really greener. Because I worry about the people I’m leaving behind and that I’m somehow letting them down. Especially when you’re settled, change is scary. When you constantly worry about what could go wrong, and what if you feel that you are not strong enough, independent enough or lovable enough to succeed in getting through an important change?

Change is scary.

 

Now, some people embrace change as though it is nothing (I hate and admire those people in equal amounts), a smart man said once “change is the only constant thing in life” and we need to learn to embrace it, little by little to challenge ourselves and grow. If I was to let it, my imagination could come up with a million different worse case scenarios and terrible things that could happen as a result of this change I’m making. Thinking about it, if I can imagine the worst thing, why can’t imagine the best? It can only go one of two ways, right? Things can get better, or they can get worst. 50/50 chance of both.

 “the key to change…is to let go of fear” (Roseanne Cash)

and right now that is what I am deciding to do (at least for the next 5 minutes).

 

 

Yes, the change I am making is scary. Yes, it could go wrong. Right now though, I am deciding to take a leap of faith and trust in the magic of new beginnings. I have to live my life for me, and no one else.

Besides, who knows, give it a year and I might be back where I started, but at least I’ll be able to say I tried.

Xoxo

Micks

P.S to all my work favourites… you’ll never really get rid of me. Like a fly to shit I’ll always be hovering around J Love yous xxx

Everything is temporary.

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“Everything is temporary. Everything. How you feel now, you wont feel that way in six weeks, in six weeks how you feel you won’t feel the six weeks after that. Nothing lasts forever”

This is part of a conversation I had with Charlie at dinner last night. We were talking, as you do, about situations that we had recently found ourselves in in life and how it sucks when things don’t turn out the way you hoped and planned.

 Letting go and moving on are two things that go together; like mac and cheese, or Ant and Dec, they are eternally meant to go together. It’s a part of life. We need to accept it – only then can we truly learn to let go.

 Just because things don’t work out the way you plan, doesn’t mean it’s been a waste of your time. It just means it wasn’t meant to be, or the timing was off, it just means that there was a lesson to be learnt and, once the lesson was learnt, it was done.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
―Ann Landers

If you are ‘letting go’ of something, chances are it wasn’t a healthy attachment be it physically, mentally or emotionally. Perhaps all three. As you get older you begin to become wiser to what is best for you, sometimes walking away is painful, but it is also a step forward. You’re reminding yourself you are worth more than whatever is holding you back or causing you pain. You are realising your self worth and, to my mind, that is never a bad thing.

It doesn’t mean that it will be any less painful, it just means that you trust in what is to come. As a general rule we are creatures of habit, so change is always hard but change always happens for a reason. You need to go with the change to find out what that reason is. Moving away from your comfort zone, the habits you’ve got yourself into, the ones that feel like a nice hug isn’t easy; but then is anything worthwhile in life easy?

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There is so much for us to do in the one short life we have, we all have so many hopes and wishes and dreams, things we want to do, places we want to visit. Sometimes letting go of what is holding you back is the best way to propel yourself into the path to make these dreams come true. After all “as one door closes, another door opens”. We just have to trust that we know what is best for ourselves, and that by letting go of painful situations, we will open ourselves up to so much more happiness than we ever allowed ourselves to imagine. You just have to be brave enough to take that first step.

Xoxo

Micks

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