reflections on a younger self. 

last night i found myself looking through my old journals and diaries. i don’t know why but as i was placing a book on my bookshelf i saw them and decided to pull some out and relive what i’d lived. 

a lot of the entries are not dated so i don’t know the last time i wrote in them – i can only guess it was around this time 2 years ago because of what i’d written about in them, certain incidents in my life that happened then are the focus of my last scribbles.

what i do know reading them is that i’ve changed. i can see the change in myself through the words on the page. is that weird? life is the strangest thing – we don’t see that we’re moving forward day to day but when we look back so much has changed. so much has happened. 

i like this person i’m becoming.

even on the days when i can’t see through the fog, even on the days when i want the world to go away. i like the person i am becoming. 

i look back at my old entries and feel what i felt back then but i am also able to see it differently. i can see the heart and heartbreak i felt over the boy who didn’t love me enough to not hurt me, the boy i would have moved across oceans for had he asked me again and not only see my pain, but also his. who am i to say he didn’t love me enough just because he didn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me. i can see the good in that goodbye.

i read back through the confusion and see that i have gained clarity, not in everything, but in some things. and for now that is enough.

i look at the old entries and see someone who was fighting against herself but couldn’t see that’s what she was doing. who thought that emotions were a sign of weakness (especially the sad ones). i was so proud of being so guarded and so unfeeling to the world. i was so proud of never having shared my true self with anyone. 

i thought that made me strong.

in actual fact i think now it showed my weakness, my insecurity. the ability to feel, to show emotions – the good and the bad – is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. you can’t shut it out, you can’t shut yourself off from it. you can try, but it will catch  up with you eventually. everything you run from always does.

i know more about me now.

what i want

where i want to go

life makes it hard to remember those things  sometimes but that’s why i write. it reminds me who i am and what i want. it focuses me when i need direction. when i need to get stuff off my chest. when i need a friend. there’s always a piece of paper and a pen around, no matter what time of the day it is. 

when i get lost i can pick those friends up and draw myself a map back home. 

xoxo

micks.

pictures of me from 2008 to the present day. there is one every year from 2008 doing various things with various people. the only year missing is 2016 because it wouldn’t fit!

Why do we break our own hearts?

Location: My house.

Listening to: Christina Perri ‘Head or Heart’

 

 

Why do we break our own hearts?

This is something I have been wondering a lot lately. Why do we break our own hearts? I am guilty of putting myself in situations that I know will ultimately lead me to be hurt. I see the people around me doing it all the time too.

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We break own hearts by giving our time, energy and love to people who don’t care, to people who don’t want it.

We break our own hearts loving people who will never love us back.

We break our hearts by missing people who don’t miss us.

We break our own hearts by giving our attention to people to who ignore us unless it’s beneficial for them to acknowledge us.

We break our own heart by having high expectations.

We break own hearts by going the extra mile for people who wouldn’t give us half a yard.

We break our own hearts by living in our heads and then become crushed when reality doesn’t live up to the world we created there, because reality is just that. Reality. It is not imagination.

We break our own hearts by chasing people who are running in the opposite direction, clearly trying to get away.

We break our own hearts by reading into something – we make it a novel when there is really just one sentence there.

We break our own hearts by thinking that we can change people when really all the time, love and attention in the world will not change anyone. Only they can change themselves.

We break our own hearts in so many ways.

The most frustrating thing is that really, deep down, we know this already. When a friend comes to us we see things clearly in black and white. When it is us there becomes significantly more grey areas. We seem to run around completely unaware that this is what we are doing until it is too late.

We then repair the cracks, close ourselves off from the world a bit more, and write it off as a lesson learnt. None of us deserve it, so why do we do it?

Maybe we do it to prove something to ourselves.

Maybe we do it to prove to ourselves we cared enough to get hurt.

Maybe we do it to prove that something mattered enough; that we mattered enough.

Maybe we do it because it’s better to say that we have broken our own heart than to have someone else break it for us.

Maybe we do it because we always hope that this time it will be different, maybe this time we’ll be lucky.

Maybe we do it to prove that we were brave enough to take the risk.

Maybe we do it to remind ourselves that life is not perfect. We are not perfect.

Maybe.

Maybe we’ll never know.

What I do know is it seems like such a waste of time and energy.

It is a habit we need to learn how to break.

Our hearts will thank us for it.

 

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A letter to the heartbroken.

To my friend that is heartbroken,

There isn’t really anything that I can say that will make you feel better right now. Heartbreak and heartaches are shit. There is no sugar-coating that. It fucking sucks. It reeeeeeeeally fucking sucks. It doesn’t matter whether the relationship was a healthy one, it doesn’t matter how long you were together, it doesn’t matter how it ended… heartbreak is heartbreak. What matters is that you allow yourself time to heal. Whether the heartbreak is fresh in the last week, or whether it happened 6 months ago, don’t feel that you have to rush to get over it – we all heal at different rates. There is no timeline to get over someone. You just have to ride it out.

One thing I have learnt during MY heartaches is this – you need to feel it. Distractions are ok for a while but eventually the hurt will catch up with you and then you’ll hate yourself for still being upset over something that you had fooled everyone else (and possibly even yourself) in to thinking you were over. You’re allowed to be hurt. You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to have days where you stay in bed and bury your face in your palms getting lost in memories of happier times, all whilst you search for the answers you may never get. You’re allowed to feel like you will never laugh again, like you will never love again. You’re allowed to be hurt, upset, confused and all of that. It’s ok not to be ok. Anyone that tells you any different is wrong.

Remember in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when Ron is a total douchebag and leaves Harry and Hermione? He was allowed to be a douchebag because he had a horcrux around his neck – the boy you were with did not. He was a douchebag because he is a douchebag and honey, douchebags like that don’t change. Please don’t stop seeing the magic in the world. More importantly, don’t stop seeing the magic in you – there is so much that is special about you.

When you ARE happy again (and you will be happy again, promise) you will look back at the hard times and be thankful for where you are now and how you got there. No one is without hard times and heartache, no one. Own your hard times, life is made up of them and what we do with them is what matters. You might not see the day now but I promise that one day you’ll get into bed at night and realise that you haven’t cried all day, that will turn into a week, then a month. It will be then that you will realise you’re going to be ok and that will be a great day (one that we can celebrate with tequila).

I have also come to learn that nothing is taken away without being replaced. I don’t mean that you will have a new love interest straight away (maybe you will, who knows?) but you will have something. Maybe right now you are not supposed to be in a relationship with anyone else but yourself. Maybe it’s time to replace your love for him, with love for you. Perhaps this is your time to find yourself independently from anyone else and you’re meant to enjoy it for what it is. Your time, for you. Time to remember how fucking rad you are! How much you have to offer the world! Not a bad replacement if you ask me. Building a life that is different from the one you had planned out for yourself is scary, but also exciting. Who knows what adventures life will take you on now – embrace the uncertainty. If you don’t know where you’re going, you can’t get lost!

I can’t promise you that there will be no more heartbreak for you in the future but I can promise this. – I will be there.

I will be there to sit with you in silence whilst you cry.

I will be on the end of the phone whilst you wonder out loud for the seventieth time if you could have done something different so that things didn’t end the way they did.

My friend Tequila and I will be there on the nights you want to just forget about the hurt in your heart and laugh and dance as if you hadn’t a care in the world.

I will be there when you decide you’ve done enough crying and you are ready to pick yourself and your heart up and try again.

I will be there when you realise that pain will always be a memory, but that memories aren’t always painful.

I will be there when the sun finally comes through the clouds and you start to really smile and laugh again. On the days the sun fades I will be there to dance in the rain with you.

When you get to the stage when you can smile at the past and flirt with the future… you got it, I’ll be there.

Remember, your laughter tastes better than your tears and time really does heal all wounds. Make that your mantra. Time heals. Time heals. Time heals.

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I can’t wait for the day when you turn to me and say, “I can’t believe me and my little ole heart survived that”; because I know you can do it. We all do. We all know you have it in you; you just need to believe you do too.

I promise you that you WILL get over this, no matter how long it takes.

When you’re ready, your new life will be waiting for you and it will be more than you ever dreamed it could be.

Go get it, gurl!

 

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