reflections on a younger self. 

last night i found myself looking through my old journals and diaries. i don’t know why but as i was placing a book on my bookshelf i saw them and decided to pull some out and relive what i’d lived. 

a lot of the entries are not dated so i don’t know the last time i wrote in them – i can only guess it was around this time 2 years ago because of what i’d written about in them, certain incidents in my life that happened then are the focus of my last scribbles.

what i do know reading them is that i’ve changed. i can see the change in myself through the words on the page. is that weird? life is the strangest thing – we don’t see that we’re moving forward day to day but when we look back so much has changed. so much has happened. 

i like this person i’m becoming.

even on the days when i can’t see through the fog, even on the days when i want the world to go away. i like the person i am becoming. 

i look back at my old entries and feel what i felt back then but i am also able to see it differently. i can see the heart and heartbreak i felt over the boy who didn’t love me enough to not hurt me, the boy i would have moved across oceans for had he asked me again and not only see my pain, but also his. who am i to say he didn’t love me enough just because he didn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me. i can see the good in that goodbye.

i read back through the confusion and see that i have gained clarity, not in everything, but in some things. and for now that is enough.

i look at the old entries and see someone who was fighting against herself but couldn’t see that’s what she was doing. who thought that emotions were a sign of weakness (especially the sad ones). i was so proud of being so guarded and so unfeeling to the world. i was so proud of never having shared my true self with anyone. 

i thought that made me strong.

in actual fact i think now it showed my weakness, my insecurity. the ability to feel, to show emotions – the good and the bad – is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. you can’t shut it out, you can’t shut yourself off from it. you can try, but it will catch  up with you eventually. everything you run from always does.

i know more about me now.

what i want

where i want to go

life makes it hard to remember those things  sometimes but that’s why i write. it reminds me who i am and what i want. it focuses me when i need direction. when i need to get stuff off my chest. when i need a friend. there’s always a piece of paper and a pen around, no matter what time of the day it is. 

when i get lost i can pick those friends up and draw myself a map back home. 

xoxo

micks.

pictures of me from 2008 to the present day. there is one every year from 2008 doing various things with various people. the only year missing is 2016 because it wouldn’t fit!

There will come a time…

There will come a time where the tears don’t fall everyday. Where a task as simple as breathing won’t hurt. Where you can remember them with a smile, instead of tears falling down your cheeks. There will come a time it won’t hurt so much to talk about them, and remember the person they were. You’ll talk about them with a smile on your face and joy in your heart instead of a heaviness on your chest and knots in your stomach.

 

There will come a time when that song comes on the radio that reminds you of them you’ll turn it up and sing along, instead of changing the station because it’s too raw to listen to it just yet. You’ll let yourself get swept up in the melody and remember with a sad smile the moments that you shared with that song. When it’s finished you’ll sit there and say hey to them, because you believe it’s their way of letting you know they are still around.

 

There will come a time when you see something or experience something that you know they would have found funny and you’ll laugh a little bit louder and harder because imagining their reaction to it makes it funnier somehow.

 

There will come a time when you are used to them not being around, you won’t like it and wish they were still here, but you will get used to them being gone. It becomes the new normal, no matter how much you know it’s not really ‘normal’ that they are gone, it becomes your new normal. It has to because, although they are gone, you have to keep on living. Even on those days you don’t want to. You get to keep on making memories, going places, meeting people. You won’t be ok with them being gone, but it will become a type of normal.

 

There will be times when the sadness comes back stronger, usually when there is a big event; weddings, promotions, proposals, births and graduations. You get sad that they aren’t there to share those moments with you because they should be. They should be there for all of it. Or at least that’s what we feel. That’s the way we think it should be. Life isn’t that nice though. It’s true the only certainty in life is death, we just get too busy living and forget. We always think we have tomorrow.

 

There will come a time that the anniversaries become a time to reflect as well as mourn. On Tuesday it will be 2 years since my beloved Grandad passed. 2 years. I don’t even know where that time has gone. So much has happened since then but yet it still feels like yesterday. I found myself walking past his old flat the other day whilst I was on my way to meet friends. For a second I forgot he had gone, and started smiling at his front door and then, of course, I remembered.

 

Grief is not pleasant. Everyone knows that, those that have experienced it first hand know that. Some people find respite in various sources – drink and drugs (both prescribed and not) are probably the most common. It is my belief that they only serve to numb the pain for a time – as John Green said “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt”. I think, where grieving is concerned, you have to feel the pain in order to move on, in order to carry on. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

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On Tuesday there will be tears, there will be sadness. There will be tea and biscuits. There will be memories shared. There will be Glenn Miller playing. There will be talk of rainbows. Gerry and the Pacemakers will no doubt make an appearance. I expect we will play The Dave Clark Five’s ‘Glad All Over’ and sing it at the top of our lungs to honour my Grandad’s love of Crystal Palace.

We will remember the man, who he was. What he meant to us, and still means to us. We will, begrudgingly, thank him for his gifting the majority of us with the ‘Snook Spamhead’ – you’ve never met a family with such large foreheads I tell ya. We will wonder together what he would have made of different situations that have happened, of where all our lives have taken us. We will all know, without a doubt, how much he would have loved to have met the three great-grandchildren that came after he left; Mason-James, Lieselotte and Betsy-Bear.

There will be love and smiles as we remember him, and we will realise, again, how lucky we were to have him as ours because he really was the best.

 

Grandad,

 

I love you. I miss you. I hope you’re proud.

 

I’ll meet you at the end of the rainbow.

 

Xoxo Michaela

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