february, twenty eighteen

hiya pals,

how are you all? are you coping with this beast from the east? my hands are permanently cold, my hat is my new best friend and the thought of going anywhere without my slippers and a hot water bottle makes me want to cry but i, much like the rest of the nation, have soldiered on. the sun is coming, it has to!

how was your february?

mine went very quick, after the longest january on record, february went by extraordinarily fast, no?

so, without any further ado, let us crack on…

hero of the month


well she didn’t start the month famous, but that’s how it has ended. under the most awful circumstances too. Emma, and people like her all over the world, ARE THE FUTURE, and that makes me REALLY FUCKING EXCITED. when i was her age i was mostly confused about who i was and what i was going to do with my life, not calling out the leader of my country on their BS. i mean, please may i be like her when i grow up?

for any of you that have been hiding under a rock, the speech of the month is below… everyone say it with me WE CALL BS.


this is a bit of a weird one because i don’t know her name BUT my personal hero is one of my customers at work. she can be no more than 23/24 years old. she came into work to ask for some help with her pushchair and whilst i was helping her i asked how she was finding motherhood – her beaut of a little boy was only a few weeks old (and yes i got a cuddle!), she explained that, unfortunately she had caught her baby daddy cheating on her just after the baby was born. you know what she did? SHE KICKED HIM OUT. this is a woman who moved from east london to south to be with him and have a baby, knew no one in the new area she lives but still kicked him out, with no fear and now, she is being a badass single mum. for me, i was blown away by her strength – how many women could say that with a newborn, they’d do that? sure, we’d all like to think we’d do it, but would we actually? i’m not convinced. personal hero.

book of the month


well, i actually can’t tell you because i am rubbish and have yet to finish it. oops. i now need to read two biographies this month to catch up with that new years resolution. also, sidenote, if you have any recommendations for biographys/ autobiographies please send them my way. i have another 10 months to fill.

soundtrack to the month

as predicted, ‘The Greatest Showman’ has stayed at the top of my most played this month but i am also really enjoying Rudimental ‘These Days’ – i adore the lyrics to the chorus. sometimes when im having a particularly good or bad day, i check myself and think to myself that some day in the future I will wish to come back to this time in my life and try to appreciate the moment.

bad joke of the month

what is forrest gumps password? 1forrest1

you’re welcome.

food of the month

i’m obsessed with popchips this month, the salt and vinegar ones – well, I can eat a family bag by myself in one sitting. so bad but so so good.

realisation of the month

this month i have realised that i forgive people too easily – is that a bad thing? maybe, maybe not. i let people flit in and out of my life, people who should really know better because they know me well enough to know that, even if i don’t say it, it hurts when they drop me again.

i’ve also realised i’m too old to play stupid bloody games now, say what you think. be honest. what’s the worst that can happen?


short but sweet. I spent a lot of time with the people who make my world go round this month. when my nephew says ‘kayla, come and look at my trains’ or jumps on the sofa for a cuddle, completely unprompted, my heart just melts. i enjoyed random act of kindness day, spreading some joy to my team, customers and colleagues. my fellow store managers are absolutely bloody angels, there are some real key players and it means so much that i can just pick up the phone to have a rant to people who understand, who know when to tell me im being too hard on myself. special shout out to Mrs Cheeseman because without her at the end of the phone i would have gone mad. i celebrated my nephew turning one. i made new friends. i tried to be more positive. i ran a lot. i made progress. i appreciated a boss who took time to ask if i was ok because i was quiet and it was unlike me. i missed my old boss. i wished i could do nothing but watch musicals on the west end forever more. i tried to let the little things go. i realised i’d rather be anything but ordinary. i realised that really, every thing is a beautiful accident. i realised some people really aren’t worth it. i made progress.

february, thanks.

here’s one second a day.





Listening to: Kelly Clarkson ‘Breakaway’ (what a banger of an album)


 Hi friends,

This week I have a question to ask you.

Can you still be friends with someone who you don’t trust?

You’ve probably heard the saying (or a version of it) that trust is like a mirror, once it is shattered it can be put back together but never truly repaired. Side note: I think my favourite version is Gaga in her ‘Telephone’ video –

 Screen Shot 2017-11-07 at 20.54.03


The only problem I have with that explanation of trust/ broken trust is that it’s always led me to believe that, and expect that, my trust would always be shattered in a big way. Like the person would pick up our shared mirror and smash it like a plate at Greek wedding but that isn’t always what happens. Sometimes it’s little chips over time until one of these chips is so big that it causes a ripple effect and you find yourself unable to see your reflection in the mirror, or be able to trust the person who’s mirror it is.

Part of being friends with someone is being able to rely on each other; to trust them. You should know whole heartedly that they won’t run off and tell someone what you said, they should know you enough to know the things that shouldn’t be shared. You should be able to know that some things are only shared between you; some things aren’t meant to be shared. What is possibly even worse than sharing private thoughts and feelings is sharing thoughts and feelings with a twist – sharing a fabricated, sometimes exaggerated, version of the truth. You shouldn’t have to watch what you say to your friends, you shouldn’t have to have your guard up. Should you?

How can you be friends with someone you can’t trust?

Are we, or rather am I, too quick to call people my ‘friend’?

A couple of years ago someone who I definitely do trust called me out on how much I use the word ‘love’. I didn’t ever ‘like’ it, I always ‘loved’ it. It was a great observation, and made me realise that I DID use the word ‘love’ too much. Perhaps the same could be said of the word ‘friend’, perhaps I use it too freely, perhaps I use it too much, or too quickly.

Perhaps the word ‘friend’, like the word ‘love’, should be used sparingly.



reflections on a younger self. 

last night i found myself looking through my old journals and diaries. i don’t know why but as i was placing a book on my bookshelf i saw them and decided to pull some out and relive what i’d lived. 

a lot of the entries are not dated so i don’t know the last time i wrote in them – i can only guess it was around this time 2 years ago because of what i’d written about in them, certain incidents in my life that happened then are the focus of my last scribbles.

what i do know reading them is that i’ve changed. i can see the change in myself through the words on the page. is that weird? life is the strangest thing – we don’t see that we’re moving forward day to day but when we look back so much has changed. so much has happened. 

i like this person i’m becoming.

even on the days when i can’t see through the fog, even on the days when i want the world to go away. i like the person i am becoming. 

i look back at my old entries and feel what i felt back then but i am also able to see it differently. i can see the heart and heartbreak i felt over the boy who didn’t love me enough to not hurt me, the boy i would have moved across oceans for had he asked me again and not only see my pain, but also his. who am i to say he didn’t love me enough just because he didn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me. i can see the good in that goodbye.

i read back through the confusion and see that i have gained clarity, not in everything, but in some things. and for now that is enough.

i look at the old entries and see someone who was fighting against herself but couldn’t see that’s what she was doing. who thought that emotions were a sign of weakness (especially the sad ones). i was so proud of being so guarded and so unfeeling to the world. i was so proud of never having shared my true self with anyone. 

i thought that made me strong.

in actual fact i think now it showed my weakness, my insecurity. the ability to feel, to show emotions – the good and the bad – is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. you can’t shut it out, you can’t shut yourself off from it. you can try, but it will catch  up with you eventually. everything you run from always does.

i know more about me now.

what i want

where i want to go

life makes it hard to remember those things  sometimes but that’s why i write. it reminds me who i am and what i want. it focuses me when i need direction. when i need to get stuff off my chest. when i need a friend. there’s always a piece of paper and a pen around, no matter what time of the day it is. 

when i get lost i can pick those friends up and draw myself a map back home. 



pictures of me from 2008 to the present day. there is one every year from 2008 doing various things with various people. the only year missing is 2016 because it wouldn’t fit!

how can I become less? 

Where I am: in bed, Montrose CA feeling like absolute rubbish (in case you wondered) 

What I’m listening to: La La Land is on in the background.

It’s my last night in CA until who knows when, I’ve had a ball these last couple weeks with one on my best friends (I apologise to my snapchat friends for the snaps you’ve had to endure). In my quieter moments on this trip, I’ve been thinking about stuff. In my quieter moments I’ve definitely been overthinking stuff. I’ve been thinking about myself and my behaviours, my character. 

Over the last few years I have been told that I am ‘a lot to handle’; that I am ‘too much’. Not just by one person, once. There have been a few different people on a few different occasions. Every time I’m told that it seems to stick in my memory more.

I’m not quite sure what they meant when they said it. I have never known whether to take it as a compliment or an insult; I tend to lean towards the latter.

“Too much” isn’t something that’s normally associated with positives, is it? Too much by definition is “an intolerable, implausible or exhausting situation or experience” (Google)  Not something I’d like to be known as really.

So my question is how do I make myself less? Is it possible to make myself just enough, just the right amount? Do I make myself smaller? My voice? My attitude? Do I have less opinions? Should I be quieter? Or laugh less? 

If you have the answers please let me know.

I don’t want to be ‘too much’. I’d like to be enough. 

xoxo Micks  

shantaram – pt. 1

where i am: montrose, CA

what im listening to: tori kelly- unbreakable smile

can i just say this holiday rocks! i haven’t been this relaxed in so long – i haven’t eaten  this much in forever – i am constantly full up. its got to the point where i may need to book an extra seat on the flight home to accommodate my increasingly large arse. not only that but i am getting the chance to write so much, i haven’t written in my notebook this much since the beginning of the year when i was a bum. the more i write, the clearer my head feels, always.

today’s post is a little different from the norm in that i’m going to be giving you someone else’s words and thoughts and not my own.

i am constantly fascinated with people, their stories, their lessons, their thoughts and views on life and everything that happens to us. 

if you’ve been reading my posts for a while you’ll know i can be quite sensitive (i pretend i am not “i don’t have a heart” is a favourite line of mine) but actually i am really sensitive and i feel everything probably a bit more than i should. i am that girl that can burst into tears over a book, a song or even an advert on the telly (yes, i’m a loser). 

i was recently lent a book by a friend called ‘shantaram’ by gregory david roberts. i am obsessed. there are so many truth bombs in the text, so many statements that make me really think and so many that resonate with me. i’m going to share some of them here. also, i’ve called this part one because i can guarantee i will end up sharing more from this book in the future. you’re welcome. 

“It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant. The choice you make between hating and forgiving can be come the story of your life”

The best thing in the world is power… love is the opposite of power, that’s why we fear it so much”

“She loved the guy. She did it for him. She would’ve done anything for him. Some women are like that. Some loves are like that, from what I can see. Your love starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self respect and your independence. After a while you start throwing people out, your friends, people you used to know. And it’s still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking and you know it’s going to take you down with it. I’ve seen that happen to a lot of girls here. I think that’s why I’m sick of love.”

“There’s a truth that’s deeper than experience. It’s beyond what we see, or even what we feel. It’s an order of truth that separates the profound from the merely clever, and the reality from the perception. We’re helpless usually in the face of it; and the cost of knowing it, like the cost of knowing love, is sometimes greater than any heart would willingly pay. It doesn’t always help us to love the world but it does prevent us from hating the world. And the only way to know the truth, is to share it, heart to heart…”

“I think that we all, each one of us, we all have to earn our future. I think the future is like anything else that is important. It had to be earned. If we don’t earn it, we don’t have a future at all. And if we don’t earn it, we don’t deserve it. We have to live in the present, more or less forever. Or worse, we have to live in the past. I think that’s probably what love is – a way of earning the future”

“One of the reasons we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you”

“Fate has every power over us but two. Fate cannot control our free will, and fate cannot lie. Men lie, to themselves more than to others, and to others more often than they tell the truth. But fate does not lie”

Reality – as you see it, as most people see it – is nothing more than an illusion. There is another reality, beyond what we see with our eyes. You have to feel your way into that reality with your heart. There is no other way”

“Justice is not only the way we punish those who do wrong. It is also the way we save them”

“It’s forgiveness that makes us what we are. Without forgiveness, our species would have anhilated itself in endless retributions. Without forgiveness, there would be no history. Without that hope, there would be no art, for every work of art is an act of forgiveness. Without that dream, there would be no love, for every act of love is in someway a promise to forgive. We live on because we can love, and we love because we can forgive”

i mean…  wow, right? 

some of those i read, and re read, and read again. i copied those down in my journal and annotated them, i added my thoughts (i haven’t done that here because i don’t think it’s necessary and would probably take away from the original message) some of those made me really sit and think. others brought me to tears. does that make me weird? most likely. i’m ok that. 

i’m about halfway through the book and i’m excited to see how it turns out. if you’re looking for a new book to read i can’t recommend it enough. 



feeling the love

oh hey.

it’s 6am in LA. I can’t sleep. so y’all are getting a post (2 in as many days #sorrynotsorry)

so, quick background on where i’m staying and who i’m staying with.

one of my best friends from university (hey, Jade) is from LA. Her mom (Momma Sophs) dad (Wilf) and god mom (Lisa) all live together in a beautiful house (her dad did a beaut of a job on it, he’s so talented). I’m staying with / visiting them. Jade isn’t here- she lives in Finland with her fella. My Irish pal is here too, though. I know, I know… it’s complicated.

i’ve know Jade for 9 years nearly, and her folks for maybe 6/7 of those. They have all known me during my struggles with depression and anxiety, they housed me for a summer so Jade and I could road trip west coast >> east, they housed me this January  when I had my breakdown over going to Australia or not. 

they know me well.

they know not to talk to me in the morning because I’m grumpy. They know I’m pretty laid back about most things – one of the reasons Jades mom likes to travel with me. They know I can be a sarcastic little shite. They know I’m obsessed with music; if I’m not listening to it, I’m reading about it. If I’m not reading about it, I’m singing. 

when I come here to visit it feels like a home from home. I feel so relaxed, there’s no pretense, no bullshit. 

they remind me that friends really are the family we choose for ourselves. I think to myself on every trip how did I luck out and meet Jade and then gain an extra family? a family that is genuinely concerned for my wellbeing.

yesterday morning I was in the kitchen and Momma Sophs and I had this conversation 

S “Oh I’m glad you’re here by yourself, I wanted to talk to you alone”

M “ok, whats up?”

S “are you ok, sweetie? You’re not feeling anxious, your depression hasn’t come back?”

M “no, I’m ok at the moment. Maybe a bit anxious with work but I’m fine”

S ” ok good, I just wanted to check because you’ve been really quiet this whole trip and I was really worried”


Having conversations like that with anyone that has a history of mental illness is so, SO important. 

Knowing someone is looking out for you… priceless. 

This email from the universe is true 

I’m feeling the love 

Xoxo micks 

all the small things.

Today I am writing from one of my favourite places, my bed. It has been a mad couple weeks at work and what I’d really love to do on my day off today is slide back under the covers and spend the day reading and/or watching Ryan Gosling movies whilst having unlimited cups of tea and taking naps. Alas, I have far too much to do.


First though, I’m going to share with you something that has been taking up a lot of time in my little head this week after conversations with some of my friends.


How do you know if someone cares about you?


I’ve written before about how we often break our own hearts and I’ve also written about toxic thinking. I think it is a combination of this that makes it hard for me and for others to see when people really care about you.

We look at the movies and see these big gestures; we listen to voices in our own head and believe the negative things they tell us, resulting in…well, nothing positive.


Now, don’t get me wrong, the big gestures are lovely from time to time but actually it’s the small ones that show us the most. At least that’s my opinion. The only problem is the small ones are harder to notice, because you have to be really paying attention. In a time when we are all so busy, there’s always so much to do and so much going on the small details are often the ones we miss.


Rachel Hosie wrote an article for The Independent online last year in which she wrote about the ‘small gestures’ meaning more; there was even evidence from a recent survey that backed this up and the top 50 ways to reveal you care about someone. Just for your future reference my favourite food is always going to be burgers and fries or anything Mexican and I take my tea quite strong with milk, no sugar.


I’ve been making a conscious effort to pay attention to the small gestures the last few days and here are some of the ways the people in my life have shown me they care


  • Reminding me to eat
  • Telling me I am enough when I shared that I thought I wasn’t
  • Telling me to go home because I work too much
  • Cooking for me (even if I only ate a few mouthfuls)
  • Texting me to see how my day has been
  • Reminding me to book my smear test and then calling me out for putting it off when I said I was ‘too busy’
  • Sending me messages like this…

When you start paying attention to the small things, the noises in your head get that little bit quieter and the big gestures become less important. You can still send me flowers though if you want, I’ll always appreciate that gesture 😉


Xoxo Micks