moments to memories

I am fully in the Christmas spirit now, I had my first Christmas party yesterday and I’m feeling festive. I surprisingly did not wake up with a raging hangover but felt pretty fresh.

The last week or so I have been thinking about my favourite memories I’ve made in the last year. I have, overall, had a crackin’ 2017. Sure, there have been some terrible, terrible lows but I can look back on the year and see where the good times are and smile.

Here are some of my highlights from 2017

Dis-day 2018.

you cannot beat starting the new year off with Mickey and co.

 

 

LA KINGS Game

i finally, finally, finally found myself out in LA in season to go to an ice hockey game. it did not disappoint.

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Arlo was born.

my adorable second godson/nephew who isn’t my nephew but is was born. he is a dream.

 

Irish adventures.

one of my favourite countries in the world, the sexiest accent in the world and some of my favourite people in the world. i can never go wrong with a trip there.

going back to my old job.

the best decision i have made this year. swear down.

 

star wars day

friends and star wars. i don’t think i really need to add anything else to that, do i?

 

 

Nick Lashaway day

the best day with my American familia, celebrating one of the best! on a day that could have been so so so sad we all managed to smile and laugh through the tears at memories of Nick and i certainly learnt more about him on that day. the strength his whole family have shown, none more than his mama, is incredible. it was a beautiful day filled with love and i am so privileged to have been a part of it.

 

 

london zoo 

my two favourite chicken nuggets took me to the zoo for my birthday because they know i love that shit. i love spending time with them playas. couple of the year.

Passenger concert

the first of my two favourite memories based at Kew Gardens this year. i have loved Passenger and his music for a wee while and i was finally able to go to see him live. in typical british summer style it was absolutely pissing down but as soon as he hit the stage i forgot about the rain. what a gem.

Brighton 

in the summer my best pal, my 2 nephews and i spent the day on brighton beach watching The Lion King. hashtag winning

Kew gardens 2

i spent  a lovely day here in the summer with my pals amy and byng. we went to see byngs younger brother in The Wind and the Willows. the sun shone, the play was super cute and we laughed. loads. i really have great friends.

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annie

tomorrow, tomorrow, i love yaaaa, tomorrow! for my sisters birthday we all went to see annie in the west end. miranda hart played miss hannigan – she was a scream. i enjoyed it so much – i normally cry at the theatre and this was no exception. a great day.

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NYC

back to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of to celebrate momma sophs birthday. we hung out with old friends, julie came down from boston for a day, it was magicallll.

 

montrose days

i always enjoy trips back to montrose and this time was no different. whilst mark and i were driving around montrose singing along to some pop song, i had a moment where i just thought, yeah. i like my life.

mj

this time last year my nephew and i really weren’t pals. this year we made friends. he’s just a wee dote. i love him.

 

xmas party

the last minute entry was yesterday’s xmas party. i bloody love my work collegues, i bloody love my boss. i just bloody love my job. don’t get me wrong it does my feckin’ head in from time to time but i have great people around me to lean on if it gets too much.

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2017 isn’t quite done yet, i know but it was fun thinking back over the last year and what i’ve got up to. some is here, some isn’t. with a busy december coming up i’m sure i will have more memories to add to these by the end of the month.

i hope you have a december filled with festive cheer.

until next week,

M xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

reflections on a younger self. 

last night i found myself looking through my old journals and diaries. i don’t know why but as i was placing a book on my bookshelf i saw them and decided to pull some out and relive what i’d lived. 

a lot of the entries are not dated so i don’t know the last time i wrote in them – i can only guess it was around this time 2 years ago because of what i’d written about in them, certain incidents in my life that happened then are the focus of my last scribbles.

what i do know reading them is that i’ve changed. i can see the change in myself through the words on the page. is that weird? life is the strangest thing – we don’t see that we’re moving forward day to day but when we look back so much has changed. so much has happened. 

i like this person i’m becoming.

even on the days when i can’t see through the fog, even on the days when i want the world to go away. i like the person i am becoming. 

i look back at my old entries and feel what i felt back then but i am also able to see it differently. i can see the heart and heartbreak i felt over the boy who didn’t love me enough to not hurt me, the boy i would have moved across oceans for had he asked me again and not only see my pain, but also his. who am i to say he didn’t love me enough just because he didn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me. i can see the good in that goodbye.

i read back through the confusion and see that i have gained clarity, not in everything, but in some things. and for now that is enough.

i look at the old entries and see someone who was fighting against herself but couldn’t see that’s what she was doing. who thought that emotions were a sign of weakness (especially the sad ones). i was so proud of being so guarded and so unfeeling to the world. i was so proud of never having shared my true self with anyone. 

i thought that made me strong.

in actual fact i think now it showed my weakness, my insecurity. the ability to feel, to show emotions – the good and the bad – is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. you can’t shut it out, you can’t shut yourself off from it. you can try, but it will catch  up with you eventually. everything you run from always does.

i know more about me now.

what i want

where i want to go

life makes it hard to remember those things  sometimes but that’s why i write. it reminds me who i am and what i want. it focuses me when i need direction. when i need to get stuff off my chest. when i need a friend. there’s always a piece of paper and a pen around, no matter what time of the day it is. 

when i get lost i can pick those friends up and draw myself a map back home. 

xoxo

micks.

pictures of me from 2008 to the present day. there is one every year from 2008 doing various things with various people. the only year missing is 2016 because it wouldn’t fit!

This song reminds me of you

What I’m listening to: Pentatonix; PTX Vol. IV – Classics (dem harmonies, though!)

 

 

Hiya pals,

I hope you’re all well. I’ve had a lovely weekend of work and general social merriment. I’ve even found time to start reading a new book after not having read anything since April (we can safely say that my aim of reading 2 books a month went out the window, ay) This book though, I’m in it hook, line and sinker. It’s called ‘I am missing’ by Tim Weaver about a guy that wakes up on a beach with no memory trying to find out who he is. I’m intrigued.

Anyway, today’s post is about the best therapy – music. I have posted before about how much I love it, my history with it and even my Desert Island Discs.

I always have and always will believe music is one of the few things that can bring people together. I have so many memories tied to songs; both good and bad memories. They are both as important as each other.

 

There are also songs that remind me of certain people – the other day in the car I was listening to Magic (my absolute fave station, no shame) and no less than four songs came on in a row that reminded of my best friend, Rachel.

  1. Hold on by Wilson Phillips – it’s ‘our’ song
  2. Despacito – Luis Fonzi and Daddy Yankee – anything Spanish we tie to each other as we became pals when we lived in Valencia
  3. I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas – it was the soundtrack to so many nights out in Valencia.
  4. Fast Car by Tracy Chapman – one of Rachel’s favourite songs (if not her favourite) so it always makes me think of her when I see her.

N.B when I say the other day I can mean anything from 6 months ago until yesterday

Then because I’m self-centred I wanted to know what songs remind other people of me so I asked.

Here’s what they said…

 

Sophie

Mulan – Reflection, because I think you’re still trying to find yourself

Frozen – Let it Go, because we ran around Paris singing this (much to Leanne’s embarrassment)

I’ll make a man out of you from Mulan reminds me of Sophia because we both love it. As soon as one of us says ‘Let’s get down to business’ that’s it, get ready for the show.

 

Leanne

Brown Sugar – The Rolling Stones; “I don’t know why, just ‘cause”

(I have no idea how Leanne’s brain works as we have never listened to this song together)

Anything Ed Sheeran because he is Leanna’s favourite. Also, Elvis ‘Can’t help falling love’ reminds me of Sophia and Leanna because it is ‘their’ song and it’s so cute!

 

Rachel

Hold on – Wilson Phillips “because it’s our song”

I Gotta Feeling – The Black Eyed Peas “because Valencia”

Anything by Jason Derulo “because you used to be obsessed with him” (It’s true, sorrynotsorry)

Carlos Baute – Te Regalo – this song is sooooo cheesy but we both love it

 

Aside from the ones I mentioned earlier, anything UB40. They’re her fave.

 

Diane

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Ray “You were sad for such a long time and it makes me smile to think how far you’ve come”

 

How nice is that? Thanks, Dalbs. Mine for Diane are Amy Winehouse – Rehab and Rick Astley ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ , we spent sooooo many afternoons sorting the delivery out dancing and singing to these songs. Oh and Sugababes ‘About You Now’ that was another one we danced to.

Amy

I see the light – Tangled “your fave”

Do it like a dude – Jessie J “you put it on a CD for me when we were on placement together and sang it allll the time in the car”

I was made for loving you – Tori Kelly and Ed Sheeran “you suggested it to me for our wedding and it made it on our wedding playlist”

Girls by Marina and the Diamonds because Ams said it was written about me and I’ve always remembered that, Ho Hey by the Lumineers because it was another song at her wedding and also 5,6,7,8 by Steps because she loves a line dance…

Charlie

Paolo Nutini – Candy “I don’t know why, it just does”

Anything by Taylor Swift “because of our epic singalongs in the car”

Taylor Swift, for exactly the same reason plus ‘Dreams’ by Fleetwood Mac (such a tune)

 

Byng

Walkashame – Meghan Trainor “reminds me of the car ride to Norfolk for Amy’s wedding

Love on Top – Beyonce “we listened to it loads when we stayed in London”

 

Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepson. If you are ever lucky enough to meet Byng ask her about this song and Milan. That’s all I’m gonna say.

 

Jade

Happy – Pharrell Williams “every time it comes on my mom says ‘Oh I miss Michaela’ “

Let her go – Passenger / Best Song Ever – One Direction “because you listened to Passenger loads on the road trip and drove me mad with the One Direction one on the trip too.

It’s not my fault, Harry Styles is my one true love he just doesn’t know it yet. The song that always reminds me of Jade is Ryan Bingham ‘The Weary Kind’, I remember we were front row for one of his shows in Kings Cross and we both cried at this song and he cried too!

I know for sure I asked other people but in a move that is completely out of character I cannot find where I wrote them down and I have a habit of clearing all my chats so I can’t even go back and check. My bad.

Send them to me again, sure.

I’ll try not to lose them this time.

Xoxo

Micks

Jade.

So, life has been a bit cray cray of late and I haven’t been the best type of friend because of this. I haven’t had much time to check in and hang out with my faves, which sucks for me as much as it must for them (because I’m such a neat guy, obvs).

So there I was yesterday, sat on the train on my way home from a meeting in Maidstone when my phone went off with a notification on ole Facey-B. It was my girl Jade:

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When Jade was blonde and I still had no eyes.

 

It got me thinking about the past 7 years and how much fun we’ve had. Everything we’ve been through together; university, travels, love and heartbreaks, birthdays, Christmases, deaths, births, weddings, moving countries…you name it, we’ve probably seen each other through it in the last 7 years.

I met Jade at university (Kingston Class of 2011, waddup!); we met in the October of our first year and have been BFF’s pretty much ever since. Jade is, in some ways, polar opposite of me but in other ways we are so very similar. Jade is legit the sweetest person you’ll ever met, to the point where people question her sincerity. They don’t believe that anyone can be THAT nice, but she is. I, however, am not nice 95% of the time – it’s just too much effort. Jade, like me, is very sensitive, but she wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn’t hide her feelings – I, however, try and hide them at all costs. We both can be super dorky (especially now I’m a Star Wars fan), enjoy cheesy movies (Say Anything is a fave), and have extremely varied tastes in music – I enjoy way too much cheesy pop for Jade’s taste though. Something she enjoys laughing at me for; she can laugh all she wants I will always have a place for One Direction on my iTunes and a place for Harry Styles on my celebrity crush list. More importantly than all that, I know she has my back, no matter what and we laugh so much together – normally at each other, to be fair. So many of my favourite memories from the last 7 years of my life involve her. I really couldn’t be without her.

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Boston, 2015. I don’t know why.

As I said previously, we have seen each other through a lot over the last 7 years, and so here is my trip down memory lane…

 

When I knew we were friends for the first time

 

I couldn’t tell you the exact moment that I knew we were really friends for the first time, but I can guesstimate. Let me tell you, there is nothing like a shared love or hate of something to help people bond. Jade and I were on placement together in our first year of university, and, without getting into it, let’s just say there was a teacher on our placement that was a bad egg. Honestly, she was awful. I thank my lucky stars for her and that awful experience because our shared dislike of this awful person was what really threw Jade and I together, we became a real team on that placement because we would never have finished that placement with our spirits in tact had we not.

There was also a night during that first year of uni that involved a very bad hypnotist, the SU bar, cider and Paramore songs. I remember waking up the next day with the third worst hangover of my life, feeling like death but thinking that she made it a cracking night.

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Jade and I at Griffith Observatory, August 2013.

The first time I knew she was a ‘ride or die’ type of friend

 

2011. June. I was just finishing up uni and had a week of placement and lectures left. The lease on my house has finished a week before, and I was staying with friends. Last day of placement comes, big argument with one of the girls, results in her throwing me out and I was left with no where to go. It had all kicked off whilst I was at placement and I had to go straight to the house to pack up my shit before the girl I’d fallen out with got home because she didn’t want to see me (it was all very dramatic, which thinking about it now, is pretty ridiculous but I’m sure it would’ve made great TV). I remember sitting in my classroom with a couple of other people and being sat there in, almost in a state of shock, thinking to myself where the fuck am I gonna go? I hate to inconvenience people and get in the way so I was like, ok I need to get a hotel. On the outside I was pretty calm, but internally I was hyperventilating like a crazy person. I called Jade to ask if I could stay for a couple days. There were no questions asked. “Yes, of course. I don’t care why, of course”

I still remember Amy pulling up to Jade’s apartment, me getting out the car and her running to me, hugging me so hard and I just sobbed on her shoulder. My friend Diane summed it up when I spoke to her later that day “well, thank fuck for Jade!”

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London, 2012. The farewell supper before Jade moved back home to LA.

The BIG argument

Jade and I bicker like sisters, when we’re tired, PMS-ing, stressed, hungry… but we’re normally over it quickly. We have only ever had one big argument, it only lasted maybe 48 hours but it felt like it lasted longer because it was so weird for us to argue like we did. Our epic road trip in Summer 2013 – the best summer of my life for sure. We were in Georgia, Jade was emosh; I was my harsh blunt self. I made her cry in the middle of a restaurant completely unintentionally. I felt like shit but didn’t know how to fix it, and we didn’t speak properly for a day or two, which, when you’re in each other’s pockets 24/7 isn’t ideal. Poor Dale was caught right in the middle of it! We got to Florida, a couple days later and talked it through and all was fine again. It may not sound like a big argument but to me it felt like it was because of how it made us both feel. I remember crying to my mum on Skype the next day, sat on a bench in the middle of an RV park on a farm in Georgia saying I wanted to go home because of it. It is the biggest argument we have ever had. I mean, we still bitch at each other for sure, but that’s what sisters do 🙂

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Brushing our teeth in a Walmart restroom somewhere in Missouri. Summer 2013.

My favourite trip

 

Jade is definitely more well travelled that I (I live vicariously through her adventures) but we have travelled a lot together, Albufeira, Barcelona, Valencia, Ljubljana, Bled, Postonja, Derry, Cork, Boston, Vegas, New Orleans and more… we’ve seen a lot of places together, made a lot of memories, taken a lot of photos but the best trip has to be when we went to NYC together on our road trip. That part of our trip was a bit of a blur due to way too much alcohol but it was SO MUCH FUN. Shutting down restaurants, taking over their music, hijacking the bar (jade), showing off mad rapping skills (me), ending up in karaoke bars with people we’d just met and then continuing the party at their apartment, wandering around Central Park, chilling out at Strawberry Fields, getting attacked (physically) by the world’s most violent cat, being attacked (verbally) by mean girls, breakfast at tiffany’s… It was a blast and one of my all time favourite trips.

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Jade and I before the carnage that is La Tomintina, Buñol, Spain. 2012.

 

Family Ties

You can generally tell when you’ve got an important part in my life when my family starts asking after you (which doesn’t happen very often). If my Dad makes an effort to see you when you come around, you know you’re special – my dad is pretty much the least sociable person I know and hates small talk as much as my digestive system hates gluten (i.e. A LOT).

My family adore Jade and ask after her all the time and my dad always makes the effort when she is around to say hi and have a conversation with her. I’ve said it before numerous times, my parents like Jade more than they like me! She is the sweetest and her place in our family was confirmed when she was invited to my sister’s wedding.

 

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Jade and I at my sister’s wedding in April 2014.

 

Jade lives in Finland now and I only really get to see her once a year in person. Having one of your best friends live so far away is hard, and it is easy to feel out the loop with each other but the magic of Skype and social media eases that and the adventures we have when we’re together remind me it is sooooo worth it. Roll on September when the next adventure happens 🙂

 

From top left : Vegas round 2 in 2013, Graduation Nov 2011, Derry 2012, sLOVEnia 2012, Matching(ish) tatts in Florida 2013, Oceana club nights, January 2009.

 

So, basically, Jade Lauren Rosenkranz is pretty great.

The End.

 

Micks

xoxo

 

Why can’t I take a compliment?

I was recently told that I put myself down a lot – something that a lot of people do, especially if you’re British; self-deprecation is noted as a truly British trait. However, I digress, I was recently told that I put myself down a lot, something which I had put down to my Britishness (is that a real word?) Seeking a second opinion, I asked a close friend and confidante if they agreed with the person’s observations; they did.

“You do it more than most, and you can’t take a compliment; you’ll either turn it into a joke or ignore it.”

“Well, I don’t want to seem arrogant. I know I’m nothing special”

“Taking a compliment and being arrogant are two different things. You can’t take a compliment.”

 

Food for thought for me.

It’s not a behaviour I can say I had particularly noticed in myself and it made me more conscious of it; and for the next while I made an effort to see if I did it that often. Turns out I do, even when I wasn’t meaning to. Jokes were made by me, at my expense. Any compliments I received were either ignored or turned into a joke, or deflected back on to the person that had given the compliment to start with.

 

“You’re hair looks nice today”

“I just couldn’t be bothered to straighten it”

 

“That’s a nice top”

“So’s yours, where is it from?”

 

“What make up do you use? Your skin looks nice”

“Behave, have you seen these bags under my eyes? Any bigger and I’ll be charged 5p for them”

Just a few examples there, there was never once a simple thank you. Then, being the over-thinker, over-analyser type of person that I am who is always looking for answers as to why people behave the way they do, I got to thinking.

Why am I like this? Yes, it’s one thing to make the odd joke at your expense (no one likes anyone who takes themselves too seriously) but the constant put-downs? Why?

When trying to figure out why, I came to conclusion that it was so no one else can do it. If I take the piss out of myself then no one else can use it against me. Basically I don’t think I’m enough. So I joke more than necessary, put myself down, deflect compliments so that when others see something they don’t like, or a flaw I feel protected. They may have noticed it, or criticised me but chances are I’ve got a joke ready so it won’t matter. I know I am not perfect, and I don’t strive to be, so why am I always on the defensive? Why can’t I just be like:

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WHY GODDAMIT?

The majority of people who I come into contact with daily wouldn’t notice that way I am. They see the façade I put out there; confident, happy, smart (weeeell), chatty. Very few know me well enough to see past that, I still remember a conversation at work a while ago between Aud and Kelv. Audrey said I was confident and almost immediately Kelly said no, I wasn’t, that I was actually really shy and unsure. Of course, everyone disagreed with her but she was right. I really am shy and unsure. I travel around different stores, meeting lots of people and I completely cool and calm about it but, fake it until you make it has been my motto at work for a long time.

There are 2 moments that I can pinpoint that started me off this way. Both occurred during Secondary school (a traumatic weird time in everyone’s life).

First, Mrs Scott’s English class, top set. Discussing projects, and one of my friends had finished theirs early. Mrs Scott (the crazy bitch) overheard our conversation and promptly called me ‘an empty vase’, just as the rest of the class went quiet. Yep, she called me thick and all my classmates heard. They talk about having those moments where you want the ground to swallow you – this was the first one of mine that I remember. Ever since then I have only ever joked about me being clever. Ever since then I didn’t think I was smart enough.

Second. Now, before I write this I just want to say my sister probably doesn’t even remember this moment, nor meant what came out of her mouth, I think she just chose her words wrong. Nevertheless, it happened and is still a memory I have to this day, I can remember it as if it happened yesterday.

I was about 15, in town with my sister and her then boyfriend. She had run into Mcdonalds to use the loo (classy) and whilst she was in there her boyfriend got talking to some friends. They walked off just as she came back out, the conversation went like this

“Who was that?”

“Just Jim, Tom and Ads, some of the lads I used to kick about with”

“Oh, did they think my sister was your girlfriend?”

“No, I said she was your sister”

“Cause I was gonna say I bet they were like errgh

Like I say, I think she chose her words wrong, but I have always remembered that. I’m errrgh. I think that was when I really started to critique myself physically (luckily for me it was before social media). It makes it hard for me to believe it when friends tell me stuff like this:

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NB: we weren’t talking about my sister in this! Ha

 

Now, I haven’t written this to gain your sympathy or to encourage people to leave me compliments (that I’ll joke off, obvs) I wrote it to get it out my head and to hopefully change a pattern of behaviour, because now people can call me on it. Now, by airing it, I can hopefully start to realise I’m actually alright and stop being such a douchebag to myself. My new go-to song is Tori Kelly’s ‘Anyway’, as she sings “This is the only Tori that I know how to be…take it or leave it babe, I’m not gonna change…”

Here’s to all the eerrrgh empty vases out there!

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xoxo

Micks

P.S Check out Tori Kelly’s ‘Anyway” HERE. It’s a banger.