i like to think i’m ok.

i’d like to apologise in advance if this post comes across as me fishing for compliments or me feeling sorry for myself but, like the girl in mean girls ‘i just have a lot of feelings’ and i wanted to share a bit. it’s been taking up a lot of my thoughts recently and i just need to get it off my chest.

i like to think i’m ok. i’m not the prettiest person nor do i have the perfect body. i’m not the nicest person. i’m moody. i get tired. i swear too much. i am not perfect but i like to think i am ok. i try to do my best at everything. i try my hardest to be a good friend, boss, family member. i try my hardest to be there for my everyone because i know what it’s like to feel completely alone. i’m more sensitive and emotional than a lot of people realise. i’m passionate. i have a lot of opinions. i try to educate myself on things before i give these opinions. i can be negative but i try to stay more positive than not. i’m shy and awkward. i like to think i am not judgemental but actually quite open to most people.

i like to think i am ok.

i endeavour to not make someone feel like shit because of who they are. recently i have been on the receiving end of behaviour like this and it has made me question if i have the right people in my life and if i have the respect for myself that i thought i had.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the people i surround myself with and how these people make me feel about myself. there is a great quote attributed to someone on the internet about ensuring that before you diagnose yourself with low self esteem and depression that you are not surrounded by assholes first.

the people we surround ourselves with are a reflection on how we see ourselves, why if i thought i was ok, would i surround myself with people who make comments about me, to me, that make me feel unloveable? that make me feel like i am too much hard work? that i am not worth the effort? i thought, with the end of university, i had rid myself of the ‘friends’ that only saw me as the less attractive, fatter, funny friend and only wanted me there to be an accessory to make them look better. i thought i’d rid myself of those people who weren’t my biggest cheerleaders – not that all my friends have to cheer me all the time, but part of being friends is being each others biggest cheerleaders, in whatever way you feel comfortable expressing it.

at 28 and a bit, i really thought all this shit would be dealt with but i guess, as Bowling For Soup so eloquently sang, ‘high school never ends’.

one thing all these thoughts and time wasted over thinking and being upset recently has made me realise though is that i need to make some changes. there really is a lesson in everything apparently.

why do life lessons always have to cause us so much shit?

answers to that one on a postcard, please

xoxo M

reflections on a younger self. 

last night i found myself looking through my old journals and diaries. i don’t know why but as i was placing a book on my bookshelf i saw them and decided to pull some out and relive what i’d lived. 

a lot of the entries are not dated so i don’t know the last time i wrote in them – i can only guess it was around this time 2 years ago because of what i’d written about in them, certain incidents in my life that happened then are the focus of my last scribbles.

what i do know reading them is that i’ve changed. i can see the change in myself through the words on the page. is that weird? life is the strangest thing – we don’t see that we’re moving forward day to day but when we look back so much has changed. so much has happened. 

i like this person i’m becoming.

even on the days when i can’t see through the fog, even on the days when i want the world to go away. i like the person i am becoming. 

i look back at my old entries and feel what i felt back then but i am also able to see it differently. i can see the heart and heartbreak i felt over the boy who didn’t love me enough to not hurt me, the boy i would have moved across oceans for had he asked me again and not only see my pain, but also his. who am i to say he didn’t love me enough just because he didn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me. i can see the good in that goodbye.

i read back through the confusion and see that i have gained clarity, not in everything, but in some things. and for now that is enough.

i look at the old entries and see someone who was fighting against herself but couldn’t see that’s what she was doing. who thought that emotions were a sign of weakness (especially the sad ones). i was so proud of being so guarded and so unfeeling to the world. i was so proud of never having shared my true self with anyone. 

i thought that made me strong.

in actual fact i think now it showed my weakness, my insecurity. the ability to feel, to show emotions – the good and the bad – is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. you can’t shut it out, you can’t shut yourself off from it. you can try, but it will catch  up with you eventually. everything you run from always does.

i know more about me now.

what i want

where i want to go

life makes it hard to remember those things  sometimes but that’s why i write. it reminds me who i am and what i want. it focuses me when i need direction. when i need to get stuff off my chest. when i need a friend. there’s always a piece of paper and a pen around, no matter what time of the day it is. 

when i get lost i can pick those friends up and draw myself a map back home. 

xoxo

micks.

pictures of me from 2008 to the present day. there is one every year from 2008 doing various things with various people. the only year missing is 2016 because it wouldn’t fit!

Lessons learnt. Things to remember. 17 for 2017.

Where I am: My boudoir

Listening to: Simple Plan / Boys Like Girls / P@TD! etc

 

 

Oh hey!

It’s become a bit of a habit for me to write these ‘lessons learnt’ lists, or ‘things to remember’ lists. I’ve written these at birthdays and new years over the last few years. If you’re bored of them then you can stop reading now. I offer no apologies though, it’s good to remind yourself of these things and I enjoy reflecting on the past year.

Here’s your ‘bye 2016, hi 2017’ edit.

1. Humans are scary, be kind.

We are destroying our planet and each other simultaneously. It is not religion or race that is doing these things. It is humans. The more I see, the scarier the human race seems to me. So be kind, the world needs more of that.

2. Not everyone signs up for your rules

This is something someone said to be a couple of months ago and it has helped me SO much and makes total sense. I am guilty of doing too much for people that don’t deserve it. I invest my time and energy in almost everyone and give relationships my all and then become surprised when I don’t receive the same care, thoughtfulness and consideration back. I found myself disappointed in people more often than not, I felt a lot of my friendships and relationships were one-sided. Until I was told this. Not everyone signs up for my rules. Just because I would do ‘x’ for someone, doesn’t mean they will do it for me. Humans are generally selfish creatures; call it survival of the fittest but we are always on the look out for number 1. We pick up people when we are bored, or need something that they can provide. Then we drop them with no second thought. Once their purpose is served we say goodbye and don’t look back. Now, I’m aware this is a very harsh view on people and the world but, let’s be honest, it’s pretty accurate.

Not everyone signs up for my rules. I just need to remind myself of that.

3. You need to live life for yourself – no one else.

This one seems like a given doesn’t it? But is it? How many times do we do something in a year that we didn’t want to do, but because it was expected of us? How many times do we grin and bear it just to keep the peace? Well you know what, eff that. No one wanted me to leave Mothercare (that I know of ha), everyone thought I was making a massive mistake. No one wants me to go off to Oz – most everyone has an opinion on it and that I should stay here and just be satisfied with what is available. My answer to that is, well, no. I’ve wanted to try Oz for a while, if I hadn’t left MC I wouldn’t be going there. You only regret the chances you don’t take, so let’s see what happens.

4. You’re never too old to make new friends

If you had asked me this time last year Id have said I’m cool with what I have. I have a good group of people around me, I don’t want or need anyone else. Fast forward a year and I have surprised myself. There’s people that have entered my life this year that I hope will be here to stay.

5. It’s ok to not know it all.

I have to religiously tell myself this. I hate not knowing everything. I’m used to being the person who helps everyone out and knows everything. It’s the Gemini in me. Jack of all trades, master of none type thing, you know? Well, the last half of 2016 and most of 2017 I have/will not know it all. New jobs, situations, friends etc … it’s ok to not know it all, sometimes we have to be the student again. The only person that seems to expect me to know it all is me.

 

6. Say yes. Wonderful things can happen.

‘Nuff said.

7. Having high expectations isn’t a bad thing, people will rise to them if they want to be in your life.

You’re either worth it or you’re not. Do you really want people around that think you’re not? I didn’t think so. Never lower your standards.

8. Being vulnerable is ok.

Beingvulnerableisok.beingvulnerableisok.beingvulnerableisok.sayitwithmeandImightbelieveit.beingvulnerableisok.

 

I’ve often been described as stoic; unaffected by most things, void of emotion etc.

Example 1 “Michaela has no heart – she won’t cry at that movie”

Example 2 “You won’t get any sympathy from Michaela, so don’t cry in front of her. She’s a cold bitch”

Truth is, like most people, I am affected. I’ve just got very good at hiding it over the years so people can’t use it against me. Is that a bit too cliché? Probably, but it’s the truth. I’m slowly learning that it’s ok to show emotion, that not everyone will use it against me. I have a list of about 4 people I will cry in front of now. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

9. People are allowed to change their minds.

Just that. Not everything is set in stone. People change their minds all the time. We might not like it, but it is a fact of life. The sooner we accept that, the better. ‘Tis what it is.

10. If it hurts you, walk away.

If being somewhere, or with someone hurts you stop going there and stop being with them. We have a tendency to over complicate the simple. If it hurts you, stop torturing yourself and walk away. It really is that simple.

11. Stop apologizing and start saying thank you instead.

This picture says it all. It’s a much nicer way to live life I think.

screen-shot-2016-12-21-at-18-44-52

12. Take a minute each day to stop and smile.

60 seconds. That’s all I’m saying. It can change your whole day, because really is it a bad day, or life? Or just a bad 5 minutes that you’ve decided to milk all day? Turn that frown upside down, sucker!

13. If you want help, ask for it.

9 times out of 10 people are always willing to help. There is no shame in saying ‘Yo, I have no clue wtf I’m doing, help a sister out.’ Or you know, if you don’t want to ask for help keep suffering in silence. You do you, boo.

14. Everything is temporary.

Every moment is temporary. Feelings are temporary, places and people are too. You’ve survived 100% of what has happened to you so far, the pleasure and pain was all temporary. You’ll survive. How do you feel now? You’ll feel differently in six weeks, and different still 6 weeks after that. The same can be said for how you think, what you believe in, what you want. It’s all temporary.

15.You get back what you put in.

Some call it Karma, others call it hippy nonsense, I call it a truth. You get back what you put in. Positive things happen to positive people.

16. It’s nice to visit the past, but don’t stay there.

When we miss people, places or times in our lives we all revisit the past. Everyday at work when they call the flights to Valencia I get a pang of longing for what was and what could have been. It’s great to visit that time in my life but I can’t stay there because it takes away from now and stops me making new memories here. That was just one chapter of my life, there are still many more to come.

17.Note to self: One day you will be number one on someone’s list.

This is all we all really want. I know it’s all I really want. Hopefully 2017 will be that year, if not, there’s always 2018!

See you around my birthday for the next one. Ok bbyeeee

xoxo Micks

Note to self: 16 things to remember in 2016.

The people that truly love you will lift you up

I can’t tell you this enough. Too often I see myself and those around me accepting ‘love’ with conditions; love whereby someone always has the upper hand, love where there is always someone who is left feeling small as a result of conversations or situations that they have. Those who truly love us know we are not perfect, they accept that we aren’t yet treat us as though we are. They don’t judge you. They aren’t only interested in you when you’re vulnerable. They aren’t only interested when they have a spare 5 minutes in their day and want some attention. They don’t put down your choice of outfit, vocabulary, job or interests. They know that they are all things that make you, you. They celebrate you, they support you, they laugh at your silliness, they find your passion for all things ‘cute’. They help you see the best in yourself and see you in a way you could never see yourself. They lift you up.

You really do deserve to be someone’s priority and not an option

In some things, like job interviews, you are an option. That is ok. In your personal life though? Not cool. What is even worse is that we allow people to treat us like that. Now, I’m not saying I’m the most important person in the world, and neither are you (sorry to burst that bubble) but when it comes to personal relationships, both romantic and platonic, you deserve to be treated as a priority. Not as the fall back. If you allow people to treat you as an option once, you will always be an option to them. That fall back they can rely on when their ego is bruised and they need someone to make themselves feel better; love is the ego’s best friend and worst enemy. You will feel great that you have made them feel better about themselves, and maybe even think that you are an alright person because of it; until they run off again back to their priority (who is most likely the reason they felt shit to start with) and you are left feeling insignificant again. Don’t let people treat you like this. It will be hard to stop, but it is necessary. Remember, “we accept the love we think we deserve” . We all deserve to be the priority.

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 22.33.04 

You can do it

2016, for me, is going to be challenging. I already know that. The goals and targets I have set for myself are going to take a lot of dedication, a lot of sacrifice and, no doubt, a lot of tears. However, I know I can do it. I am in the best mental and physical state I have been since my pre-uni days, I can safely say I have the best group of cheerleaders around that I have ever had that are happy to pick me up if I stumble and fall, or just to simply sit me down and tell me to find my balls and remind me why I’m doing what I’m doing. Remember: YOU CAN DO IT. Everyone knows you can, you’re your own worst enemy. Stop with that. Douche.

Only you can make your dreams come true

Similar to the above note; it’s all down to you. There is no white knight in shining armour who’s gonna come and save the day. There is no Genie in a lamp who is going to give you three magic wishes, no Fairy Godmother who is going to Bibbity Bobbity Boo all your dreams into reality. You will have to make it work. Pool your resources “Teamwork makes the dream work”. There will be days when it doesn’t seem worth it, when you want to give up, when you wish the aforementioned Genie, Fairy Godmother and K.I.S.A were real. But (and as a Disney obsessive it pains me to write this) THEY ARE NOT REAL. Only you can make your dreams come true. What better time to start than now?

Everything really does happen for a reason

Fate. Destiny. Whatever you want to call it or dress it up as. Everything does happen for a reason, I truly believe that. Everything decision that you have gone through, everywhere you have been, the people you have met… it has all been for a reason. It has lead you to where you need to be right now, to take you to where you’re meant to go. It’s given you experiences and lessons that do you right in the future. No doubt some will think it is wishy-washy nonsense, but I believe it is true. It will all make sense one day.

 

It’s ok to not know the reasons right now; it will all make sense in the end

Life is confusing. I know it. You know it. Joe Bloggs at number 6 knows it. Things will happen that will shake your faith, make you question the point of things and make you want to crawl into bed, assume the foetal position, cry and not come back into the real world for a week or 52. As previously stated, everything does happen for a reason. Accept that sometimes we don’t find the answers straight away. The sooner you accept it the easier it will be for you to cope with change and the inevitable bumps in the road that life likes to dot our journeys with along the way. The answers will come in time.

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 22.31.39

No one else will put your health and happiness first, so you need to

 

You gotsa look after number 1! The sooner you start taking care of yourself, both mentally and physically, the better you will feel. No one else will put it first, so you have to. If something (or someone) is bad for your health, get rid or cut back. If you’re not happy, identify what is causing the unhappiness and make moves to fix it. It won’t be an overnight win, but you’ll thank yourself for it this time next year.

“Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life”

 

Work is not the be all and end all. Some people were meant to change the world with their jobs and roles. Some people aren’t, because someone else doesn’t see it as life changing or important, doesn’t mean it isn’t. If you have a passion for something, follow it. Live it. Everyone takes work home with them sometimes, but just remember that you need time to relax and recharge. Work is not the be all and end all. It will still be there in the morning.

Go one place you’ve never been before

There is so much of this planet you haven’t seen yet. So go see it. It doesn’t have to be abroad. It can be another part of this tiny island. Just go. See the world from a different perspective. Experience new things. Embrace a new culture and traditions. Live life; make memories.

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 22.35.44

 

Give back in anyway you feel you can

You might not have the time to visit the soup kitchen. You might not have the funds to donate regularly to charity. We can all give back in our own way, buy that homeless guy a hot drink one time, give the old lady jingling her charity bucket the coppers in the bottom of your bag. Spend time with someone who needs it most, giving back doesn’t always have to be to charity. It can be to those that mean the most to you in the world. Your best friend just had a baby? Offer to go around and look after little one for an hour so she can get a power nap in. Your mum’s feeling unwell? Make her dinner, offer to do the shopping for her. It is the little things after all 🙂

Have courage

“If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try”

That’s all I’m sayin’

Be kind

To yourself and to others; everyone has their shit they’re going through, they don’t need you being an asshole to add to their shit. Remember, a smile goes a long way.

 

Be the best version of yourself

Truly happy people become that way by being the best versions of themselves, not on the outside but on the inside. They work on their true self, not the persona they portray to the world. Stop with the negative self talk – you are not stupid, ugly, fat etc etc, there is someone out there who wishes they were more like you. Stop judging and criticising other people – the comments you make are more a reflection of your own issues and insecurities. Stop procrastinating, stop doing things to please other people, stop being scared or failure and, even more so, stop being scared of success! Maybe you can have it all.

Listen more

 

Many wise people before have noted the importance of listening more than talking. You learn more, about yourself and others. You DO more. The less time you talk the more time you have to actually ‘do’ things. For most people, work is the best example of this. I know lots of people who have had to stay late to get work done because they spent that 15 minutes by the coffee machine talking instead of sending that email, or proof reading that document. Listen more.

 

 

Embrace your crazy

 

Everyone is a little crazy. The lucky ones are a lot crazy. Embrace it. It makes you, you. There is no one like you out there, if you suppress that crazy, you suppress yourself and that leads to whoooole other load of things. Embrace the crazy. Life is more fun that way.

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 22.37.15 

Have fun

 

There will never be another 2016. Let’s make it the best year yet. HAVE FUN.

2016, come at me, bitch.

Wishing you all a very merry New Year.

Xoxo

Michaela