reflections on a younger self. 

last night i found myself looking through my old journals and diaries. i don’t know why but as i was placing a book on my bookshelf i saw them and decided to pull some out and relive what i’d lived. 

a lot of the entries are not dated so i don’t know the last time i wrote in them – i can only guess it was around this time 2 years ago because of what i’d written about in them, certain incidents in my life that happened then are the focus of my last scribbles.

what i do know reading them is that i’ve changed. i can see the change in myself through the words on the page. is that weird? life is the strangest thing – we don’t see that we’re moving forward day to day but when we look back so much has changed. so much has happened. 

i like this person i’m becoming.

even on the days when i can’t see through the fog, even on the days when i want the world to go away. i like the person i am becoming. 

i look back at my old entries and feel what i felt back then but i am also able to see it differently. i can see the heart and heartbreak i felt over the boy who didn’t love me enough to not hurt me, the boy i would have moved across oceans for had he asked me again and not only see my pain, but also his. who am i to say he didn’t love me enough just because he didn’t love me the way i wanted him to love me. i can see the good in that goodbye.

i read back through the confusion and see that i have gained clarity, not in everything, but in some things. and for now that is enough.

i look at the old entries and see someone who was fighting against herself but couldn’t see that’s what she was doing. who thought that emotions were a sign of weakness (especially the sad ones). i was so proud of being so guarded and so unfeeling to the world. i was so proud of never having shared my true self with anyone. 

i thought that made me strong.

in actual fact i think now it showed my weakness, my insecurity. the ability to feel, to show emotions – the good and the bad – is part of what makes us so wonderfully human. you can’t shut it out, you can’t shut yourself off from it. you can try, but it will catch  up with you eventually. everything you run from always does.

i know more about me now.

what i want

where i want to go

life makes it hard to remember those things  sometimes but that’s why i write. it reminds me who i am and what i want. it focuses me when i need direction. when i need to get stuff off my chest. when i need a friend. there’s always a piece of paper and a pen around, no matter what time of the day it is. 

when i get lost i can pick those friends up and draw myself a map back home. 

xoxo

micks.

pictures of me from 2008 to the present day. there is one every year from 2008 doing various things with various people. the only year missing is 2016 because it wouldn’t fit!

i am me.

Where I am: HOME

What I’m listening to: Acoustic Room playlist on Spotify.

 

Morning,

 I just wanted to start this by saying a big thank you. After my last post I received an influx of messages from various people telling me I was definitely ‘enough’ already. I know I can be my own worst enemy, I’m learning new things about myself everyday and I am learning to be OK with who I am – it’s something we work on everyday.

So to the following…

Julie, Gel, Nat, Briana, Mary Jane, Laura, Momma Sophs, Mr AND Mrs Taylor (who messaged me separately), Tom, Auntie P, Katie, Dalbs (Well done for not cutting anyone), Maureen, Michelle, Sammy, Dina, Mama Sewell, My sisters, Donna and everyone else… BIG LOVE. Thank you.

Also thank you to Megan – I’m so glad you understood what I meant, you made me feel less crazy about it!

 

I honestly didn’t expect the reaction I got, I was just simply sharing my thoughts as I always do.

 

Today is a new day. Today I am ok. Today I am ok with who I am.

 

Someone recently told me they think I am ‘authentic’ – for me that is a huge compliment; I strive to be a lot of things and authentic is one of them.

I am me. I am not perfect. I have my chaos. I am emotional. I cry over stupid things. I get angry. I withdraw into myself. I doubt myself. I love people but hate them as well. I love to laugh. If you’re important to me I will tell you. I can be moody. I sometimes need a hug or a pat on the head. I am loyal – probably blindly. I am an all -or – nothing type girl. I need looking after. I will never forget how you made me feel. I will always listen and try and help where I can. Music is my therapy. I am sarcastic. I am scatty. I love learning about people. I need reassurance from time to time. I can be insecure. I am sunshine and showers. I am a million and one different things; I can only hope to be good enough for you.

If I am not, there isn’t much I can do about it.

This is me.

Are you in? If you are, great.

If you’re not, that’s ok too.

I’ll miss you though.

 

xoxo Micks

 

how can I become less? 

Where I am: in bed, Montrose CA feeling like absolute rubbish (in case you wondered) 

What I’m listening to: La La Land is on in the background.

It’s my last night in CA until who knows when, I’ve had a ball these last couple weeks with one on my best friends (I apologise to my snapchat friends for the snaps you’ve had to endure). In my quieter moments on this trip, I’ve been thinking about stuff. In my quieter moments I’ve definitely been overthinking stuff. I’ve been thinking about myself and my behaviours, my character. 

Over the last few years I have been told that I am ‘a lot to handle’; that I am ‘too much’. Not just by one person, once. There have been a few different people on a few different occasions. Every time I’m told that it seems to stick in my memory more.

I’m not quite sure what they meant when they said it. I have never known whether to take it as a compliment or an insult; I tend to lean towards the latter.

“Too much” isn’t something that’s normally associated with positives, is it? Too much by definition is “an intolerable, implausible or exhausting situation or experience” (Google)  Not something I’d like to be known as really.

So my question is how do I make myself less? Is it possible to make myself just enough, just the right amount? Do I make myself smaller? My voice? My attitude? Do I have less opinions? Should I be quieter? Or laugh less? 

If you have the answers please let me know.

I don’t want to be ‘too much’. I’d like to be enough. 

xoxo Micks  

feeling the love

oh hey.

it’s 6am in LA. I can’t sleep. so y’all are getting a post (2 in as many days #sorrynotsorry)

so, quick background on where i’m staying and who i’m staying with.

one of my best friends from university (hey, Jade) is from LA. Her mom (Momma Sophs) dad (Wilf) and god mom (Lisa) all live together in a beautiful house (her dad did a beaut of a job on it, he’s so talented). I’m staying with / visiting them. Jade isn’t here- she lives in Finland with her fella. My Irish pal is here too, though. I know, I know… it’s complicated.

i’ve know Jade for 9 years nearly, and her folks for maybe 6/7 of those. They have all known me during my struggles with depression and anxiety, they housed me for a summer so Jade and I could road trip west coast >> east, they housed me this January  when I had my breakdown over going to Australia or not. 

they know me well.

they know not to talk to me in the morning because I’m grumpy. They know I’m pretty laid back about most things – one of the reasons Jades mom likes to travel with me. They know I can be a sarcastic little shite. They know I’m obsessed with music; if I’m not listening to it, I’m reading about it. If I’m not reading about it, I’m singing. 

when I come here to visit it feels like a home from home. I feel so relaxed, there’s no pretense, no bullshit. 

they remind me that friends really are the family we choose for ourselves. I think to myself on every trip how did I luck out and meet Jade and then gain an extra family? a family that is genuinely concerned for my wellbeing.

yesterday morning I was in the kitchen and Momma Sophs and I had this conversation 

S “Oh I’m glad you’re here by yourself, I wanted to talk to you alone”

M “ok, whats up?”

S “are you ok, sweetie? You’re not feeling anxious, your depression hasn’t come back?”

M “no, I’m ok at the moment. Maybe a bit anxious with work but I’m fine”

S ” ok good, I just wanted to check because you’ve been really quiet this whole trip and I was really worried”

DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY AND LOVED I FELT WALKING AWAY FROM THAT CONVERSATION? 

Having conversations like that with anyone that has a history of mental illness is so, SO important. 

Knowing someone is looking out for you… priceless. 

This email from the universe is true 

I’m feeling the love 

Xoxo micks 

all the small things.

Today I am writing from one of my favourite places, my bed. It has been a mad couple weeks at work and what I’d really love to do on my day off today is slide back under the covers and spend the day reading and/or watching Ryan Gosling movies whilst having unlimited cups of tea and taking naps. Alas, I have far too much to do.

 

First though, I’m going to share with you something that has been taking up a lot of time in my little head this week after conversations with some of my friends.

 

How do you know if someone cares about you?

 

I’ve written before about how we often break our own hearts and I’ve also written about toxic thinking. I think it is a combination of this that makes it hard for me and for others to see when people really care about you.

We look at the movies and see these big gestures; we listen to voices in our own head and believe the negative things they tell us, resulting in…well, nothing positive.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong, the big gestures are lovely from time to time but actually it’s the small ones that show us the most. At least that’s my opinion. The only problem is the small ones are harder to notice, because you have to be really paying attention. In a time when we are all so busy, there’s always so much to do and so much going on the small details are often the ones we miss.

 

Rachel Hosie wrote an article for The Independent online last year in which she wrote about the ‘small gestures’ meaning more; there was even evidence from a recent survey that backed this up and the top 50 ways to reveal you care about someone. Just for your future reference my favourite food is always going to be burgers and fries or anything Mexican and I take my tea quite strong with milk, no sugar.

 

I’ve been making a conscious effort to pay attention to the small gestures the last few days and here are some of the ways the people in my life have shown me they care

 

  • Reminding me to eat
  • Telling me I am enough when I shared that I thought I wasn’t
  • Telling me to go home because I work too much
  • Cooking for me (even if I only ate a few mouthfuls)
  • Texting me to see how my day has been
  • Reminding me to book my smear test and then calling me out for putting it off when I said I was ‘too busy’
  • Sending me messages like this…


When you start paying attention to the small things, the noises in your head get that little bit quieter and the big gestures become less important. You can still send me flowers though if you want, I’ll always appreciate that gesture 😉

 

Xoxo Micks

Pick the weeds, keep the flowers.

Like most, I have dealt with my fair share of ‘shady’ and ‘toxic’ people over my 27 years. There were those friendships and relationships that started as all good things do, then at some point it all went a bit, well, a bit Pete tong. I’ve always believed that it is at that point that you really see who someone is – when it goes wrong that is when people show you their ‘true self’.

 

Life is unpredictable, you don’t need to be a genius to know that, and you want to make sure you have good people around you when the shit hits the fan. Over the years I have got pretty good at differentiating between the weeds and flowers.

 

I am a lot more guarded with people now than I was when I was fresh out of school but my inner hippy still wants to believe in the potential good in people and, to quote a friend, “that blinds you to who they really are and you end up being disappointed and then shutting everyone else out”. It’s true, too many times in the past I’ve put flowers in an asshole and called it a vase. (I’m not quite sure where all these plant references are coming from but we’ll just go with it)

 

I really thought that I’d mastered being able to tell the difference between the good and the bad though like, I was almost at 5 years clean! 5 years with no weeds. A record for me, but, alas, it became apparent recently that this was not the case.

 

I’m still pretty proud of the 5 years clean though, I’d mainly done that by only letting a few newbies in and also doing something that we never seem to do – trust our gut. I always get a ‘vibe’ from people who I am with –how this vibe makes me feel will determine if I put you in the ‘hi ya’ or ‘bye-ya’ basket.

If I’m unsure then I’ll generally go quiet and then observe them. Like David Attenborough watching a gazelle in Africa. I sit patiently and wait, they show their true self in the end.

 

The following 5 are normally the most obvious (although they may not display them frequently or at the same time) clues that they are sucky people. You don’t need sucky people in your life, there is enough going on.

 

They only seem to be around or in touch when they need something

 

This, generally, won’t be a straight away thing. This will creep in later on. Of course there is give and take in any relationship/friendship and we all go through phases of taking more than we give but when you get to the point of wondering what the relationship brings to your life that’s the time to think about getting out.

 

They enjoy stirring trouble up between other people

 

The thing that is perhaps scariest of all, is that some of these people don’t appear to see the negative impact they have on other people by doing this. Those of them that do, who are perhaps the grossest kind of human, seem to derive a bizarre satisfaction from the stress and chaos that they have created. Do you really want to be associated with someone like that? Someone that causes trouble for the sake of it isn’t going to be in your corner when your life takes a turn; they’ll be grabbing popcorn and watching it all unfold.

 

They find ways to slyly make you feel like shit about yourself

 

It could be a look, a tone in their voice when they mention something you’re wearing/ doing etc . It is always very subtle and normally when you are in a group so they have an audience see them ‘put you in your place’. Sometimes people are just too blunt about how you look; your weight, your hair, your spots.
It’s fine though because they are your friend and they are ‘just joking’. Right?

 

 

You catch them in a lie / They are fake af

 

Think Mean Girls. Regina George and that is the ugliest ‘effin skirt I have ever seen. If you have no clue what I’m talking about then see below ( and then go watch Mean Girls).

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The lies are always believable at first but sooner or later they start to unravel. When you call them on it YOU are the bad person, not them. Ok then…

 

When you’re done hanging out you always feel like shit.

 

Not necessarily related to number 3. This is more about how you feel physically when you leave them. There are those people who just seem to drain you of your energy and leave you feeling super bleurgh. Headaches, nausea… these can be a sign of a dodgy friend as well as a dodgy lunch.

 

We are all so so busy, that sometimes weeds will sneak into our lovely gardens. For the most part we have all decent, honest, kind, funny, uplifting people in our lives. It is only natural. It is also natural to always want to defend our ‘friends’ because we think they are just that, a friend. You’ve known them for a long time maybe, or maybe it’s easier to keep them around for whatever reason.

 

If having them in your life is detrimental to your happiness – it is not ok. It is not easier to have them around. If you really must keep them in your life, please recognize them and keep them at arm’s length.

 

If you take just one thing from this post please let it be this. When people show you their true self and it is sucky, DROP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE! THEY WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU OR BECAUSE OF YOU. THEY WILL ONLY CHANGE WHEN THEY ARE FULLY READY TO AND REALISE THEIR BEHAVIOUR IS SUCKY, AND THIS MAY BE NEVER. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST ENABLING THEM AND THEIR BEHAVIOUR.

THEY ARE NOT DIFFERENT WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU.

Sorry for the all caps, I just feel very strongly about this.

 

 

I’m going to take a wild guess now and say that, if you have been thinking about someone in particular as you have been reading then, chances are, you’ve found/ recognise a weed.

Don’t bury your head in the sand, take note and say see ya later, pal! You will feel better for it, I promise (I have done/do).

 

Happy weeding!!

 

 

Xoxo Micks

 

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But why are you still single?

 

 

“Everyone is a bit obsessed with relationships, aren’t they?” –Sophie

 

This was something Soph said to me today whilst we were slobbed out, drinking tea on the couch in Café Nero. You know what? It’s true, it’s really bloody true.

Everyone is obsessed with relationships; who’s in one, who’s not. Who’s getting engaged, married, who’s breaking up… everyone is obsessed.

Like Carrie Bradshaw, I am the last single girl. All my gal pals (and my gay pals) are in relationships, some of them have mortgages, some of them have babies, some have rings and impending weddings. If you’re not in a relationship people want to know why, and as the last single girl, it is a question I have been asked a lot.

 

Screen Shot 2016-02-28 at 21.40.51The thing about this question that makes makes me laugh and annoys me simultaneously is that when these people ask this question, they already have an idea in their head about WHY you’re still alone.

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Some of the most popular ones are:

 

“You must be too fussy”

 

I don’t believe this is the case for me but Errrr, I’m sorry but why does not wanting to settle make me too fussy? Why should I settle for someone who doesn’t give me that feeling I get when I see my food coming in a restaurant? I shouldn’t.

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“Maybe you’re too focused on your career, do you spend too much time at work?”

No, I’m not. I enjoy my job, I give it 100% because what’s the point in doing something and half assing it, but I am not too focused on my career. And also, even if I was, why is that a bad thing? A single guy is ok to be focused on his career so why can’t a girl be? Stupid sexists.

 

“Maybe you need to get out more and go to the right places/maybe you’re not looking in the right place”

What does this even mean? Maybe I need to get out more? Are you shitting me? I have a very busy life, I get out enough thank you very much. I rarely have days where I am doing nothing, as my parents say ‘you have no chill, you’re always busy”. ‘The right places?” please define the right place to meet someone? A pub or club? House party? Supermarket? At work? A coffee shop? If I asked any of my friends who are in relationships how they met their SO’s I know it would be a mix of all of the above so please refrain from the ‘right place’ phrase. There ain’t no such thing.

 

I have been single a while, and I have gotten pretty good at it I must say and when I am asked the above question I have my jokey response nailed (normally something along the lines of ‘who knows? I’m a hoot’). As the self confessed last single girl in my circle of friends, I am here to let everyone know the 10 things you shouldn’t say/do to your single friends (aside from asking us why we’re still single, of course)

 

  1. Don’t BS us with the ‘when you stop looking, you’ll find the right one’ thing.

 

Especially don’t say this to us if you met your SO on an online dating site – you were clearly looking for a SO when you went online. Yes, timing is everything – I do believe you can meet the right person at the wrong time – but don’t feed us this shit line when it clearly wasn’t what you believed. It just makes you look like a tool and it really isn’t true. I stopped looking a while back and I’m still sitting in on a Friday night, crying to the Bridget Jones soundtrack by myself whilst downing wine and asking my cat what’s wrong with me. JK, I hate wine. And cats.

 

 

  1. Please don’t make it your life mission to find us a partner.

 

Seriously, just stop. Focus on your own life. We know you mean well but just don’t ok?

 

  1. Please don’t bring your SO along every time we meet up

 

No this doesn’t mean we don’t like them; it just means we’d like to see our friend alone from time to time – it’s not really ‘girls night’ if there’s a guy there you know.

 

  1. Please don’t tell us we have it easy being alone

 

Yes this may be partially true, I don’t have to consider anyone else when making plans and the holidays are a damn sight cheaper alone however, life is rough no matter your relationship status but the perk for you is that you have someone to share the load with when it all gets too much. Don’t forget to appreciate that.

 

  1. Don’t stop inviting us to stuff because we’re single

 

This links in to number 3. As the last single girl/guy we are used to being the 3rd, 4th, 750th wheel. We still wanna hang out with you, so just invite us – unless it’s to something that requires a partner like a dance class. I draw the line at dancing with myself.

 

 

  1. Stop making a joke out of it.

 

This is probably really hypocritical because I take the hand out of my single status all the time with the “…tell me why I’m still single again” line after every time I do something stupid like falling over or spilling tea on myself but unless you’re one of my best friends and we’re in a deep conversation about it, never say this to someone who’s single. It can do more harm than good, trust me.

 

  1. Stop trying set us up with any single person you come across

 

If you wouldn’t date your cousin’s best friends aunties nephew six times removed then what makes you think we would? We need to have more in common than just both being single, you know?

 

  1. When we’ve had a bad date -save the “there’s plenty more fish in the sea” thing

 

It was a bad date, not a bad tuna sandwich.

 

 

  1. “You don’t need a man/woman anyway, you do the single thing so well”

 

Firstly “single thing” WTF? Secondly, no you’re right I don’t need a man, I’ve got my shit handled but maybe I want one. There is a difference.

 

 

  1. “Maybe if you did/said/ wore …. Then you’d find someone”

 

Really? Like, really? Not only are you oversimplifying, you’re asking us to be/do something that isn’t us. Yes, it may end up attracting us to someone but it’s most likely going to be someone who doesn’t fit with us well at all, leading to a break up and then we’re back at square one. Just let us be us, ok?

 

 

I stop the list the at 10, but I could’ve gone on… being single is rough, man!

Is there anything else my fellow singletons would add?

 

I’m gonna end with my favourite Carrie Bradshaw quote that pops into my head everytime someone brings up my single status and questions “WHY?”

 

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.
-Carrie Bradshaw”

 

See. Carrie knows.

Until next time,

 

Xoxo

 

Micks

 

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