i am me.

Where I am: HOME

What I’m listening to: Acoustic Room playlist on Spotify.

 

Morning,

 I just wanted to start this by saying a big thank you. After my last post I received an influx of messages from various people telling me I was definitely ‘enough’ already. I know I can be my own worst enemy, I’m learning new things about myself everyday and I am learning to be OK with who I am – it’s something we work on everyday.

So to the following…

Julie, Gel, Nat, Briana, Mary Jane, Laura, Momma Sophs, Mr AND Mrs Taylor (who messaged me separately), Tom, Auntie P, Katie, Dalbs (Well done for not cutting anyone), Maureen, Michelle, Sammy, Dina, Mama Sewell, My sisters, Donna and everyone else… BIG LOVE. Thank you.

Also thank you to Megan – I’m so glad you understood what I meant, you made me feel less crazy about it!

 

I honestly didn’t expect the reaction I got, I was just simply sharing my thoughts as I always do.

 

Today is a new day. Today I am ok. Today I am ok with who I am.

 

Someone recently told me they think I am ‘authentic’ – for me that is a huge compliment; I strive to be a lot of things and authentic is one of them.

I am me. I am not perfect. I have my chaos. I am emotional. I cry over stupid things. I get angry. I withdraw into myself. I doubt myself. I love people but hate them as well. I love to laugh. If you’re important to me I will tell you. I can be moody. I sometimes need a hug or a pat on the head. I am loyal – probably blindly. I am an all -or – nothing type girl. I need looking after. I will never forget how you made me feel. I will always listen and try and help where I can. Music is my therapy. I am sarcastic. I am scatty. I love learning about people. I need reassurance from time to time. I can be insecure. I am sunshine and showers. I am a million and one different things; I can only hope to be good enough for you.

If I am not, there isn’t much I can do about it.

This is me.

Are you in? If you are, great.

If you’re not, that’s ok too.

I’ll miss you though.

 

xoxo Micks

 

feeling the love

oh hey.

it’s 6am in LA. I can’t sleep. so y’all are getting a post (2 in as many days #sorrynotsorry)

so, quick background on where i’m staying and who i’m staying with.

one of my best friends from university (hey, Jade) is from LA. Her mom (Momma Sophs) dad (Wilf) and god mom (Lisa) all live together in a beautiful house (her dad did a beaut of a job on it, he’s so talented). I’m staying with / visiting them. Jade isn’t here- she lives in Finland with her fella. My Irish pal is here too, though. I know, I know… it’s complicated.

i’ve know Jade for 9 years nearly, and her folks for maybe 6/7 of those. They have all known me during my struggles with depression and anxiety, they housed me for a summer so Jade and I could road trip west coast >> east, they housed me this January  when I had my breakdown over going to Australia or not. 

they know me well.

they know not to talk to me in the morning because I’m grumpy. They know I’m pretty laid back about most things – one of the reasons Jades mom likes to travel with me. They know I can be a sarcastic little shite. They know I’m obsessed with music; if I’m not listening to it, I’m reading about it. If I’m not reading about it, I’m singing. 

when I come here to visit it feels like a home from home. I feel so relaxed, there’s no pretense, no bullshit. 

they remind me that friends really are the family we choose for ourselves. I think to myself on every trip how did I luck out and meet Jade and then gain an extra family? a family that is genuinely concerned for my wellbeing.

yesterday morning I was in the kitchen and Momma Sophs and I had this conversation 

S “Oh I’m glad you’re here by yourself, I wanted to talk to you alone”

M “ok, whats up?”

S “are you ok, sweetie? You’re not feeling anxious, your depression hasn’t come back?”

M “no, I’m ok at the moment. Maybe a bit anxious with work but I’m fine”

S ” ok good, I just wanted to check because you’ve been really quiet this whole trip and I was really worried”

DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY AND LOVED I FELT WALKING AWAY FROM THAT CONVERSATION? 

Having conversations like that with anyone that has a history of mental illness is so, SO important. 

Knowing someone is looking out for you… priceless. 

This email from the universe is true 

I’m feeling the love 

Xoxo micks 

Thank you for being a friend.

Hi guys and dolls,

I hope this finds you all well. I’m currently sat on my bed in my pants, half singing/ half crying along to Maren Morris (totes emosh, hun) and eating Marmite on toast for dinner because I clearly suck at adulting.

In the last post I shared I spoke about how life had been a bit of a shitter lately,  well my very best friend in the whole world knew I’d been having a shit time and decided to book me a wee treat to cheer me up. Last night Rachel and I had a cracking night at Komedia in Brighton. Their Sunday night comedy club, dinner and drinks was JUST what the doctor ordered. We walked out of there with tears in our eyes and stitches in our sides.

I’ve dedicated a post to Rachel before, and I can pretty much guarantee that I will again. She is just THE BEST. When people have asked me to describe her I say she’s just like me but SO MUCH BETTER. I’m sorry for the shouty capitals but she’s just my favourite. It’s a very rare thing to feel understood and accepted for all your sides, some of which are really not pretty and she’s never made me feel any less of a person for not being so completely imperfect. Rachel is one of a handful of people who I will happily talk to at anytime, always via text because not only does she understand how much I detest talking on the phone (WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS) but she hates it just as much.

THANK YOU, RACHY-RACH. YOU DA BESTEST.

As I am a big geek I then started Googling (what did we do before google?) different types of friends and it appears a lot of people have a lot of opinions on the different types of friends you can have.

Quite famously (well, in my friendship groups anyway) I once upset my favourite Irishman by saying we were acquaintances at a time he thought we were legit friends (I’m nothing if honest). He’s still bitter about it to this day – MARK SEWELL, IF YOU’RE READING THIS I’M SORRY I’M NOT SORRY. I LOVE YOU LIKE A BROTHER NOW THOUGH OK. YOU WILL BE MY FRIEND UNTIL I’M DEAD. AND THEN WHEN I’M DEAD I’LL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU BECAUSE ANNOYING YOU IS MY FAVOURITE THING TO DO.

Back to my point though, I think a lot of people throw the word ‘friend’ around too easily these days. I actually put a lot on that word. Maybe I’m overthinking it but maybe I’m not. I like to keep things neat and organised so I box people in to either ‘Internet friend’, ‘Friend of a friend’, ‘work friend’, ‘ acquaintance’, ‘friend’ , ‘BEST PALS’. I always say I don’t have a lot of friends, even though when I list them I do probably have more than average. It just feels like I don’t sometimes because all of my friends are so scattered over the UK and various other parts of the world.

I am very good at staying in touch though; I will always make the effort with those I want in my life. Though don’t get me twisted it is a two-way street and if it’s me doing all the reaching, I’m out.

The older I’m getting the more I’m appreciating my friends that are chilled. I have no time for the drama anymore. I want low effort relationships. If you’re too much hassle, SEE YA PAL. I also find myself listening to my sisters more as I get older. They have told me before that they think people aren’t good for me which, of course, at the time I am completely shocked and offended by. In hindsight though, they are usually completely correct. I need low-key, like me.

 So to my best best best friends, thanks for always making sure it’s a two-way street, for making the effort and letting me moan and vent and be sad and perfectly imperfect around you. I hope I do the same for you. Thanks for not being extra. I actually like you, guys. Like, a lot. I’m sorry I’m not around more. It’s because whilst I love you, I hate people.

Thanks for putting up with me and my brutally honest self. Thanks for letting me sing Disney in your face one minute and then debate politics with you the next. Thanks for telling me when I’m right (you know I lap that shit up) but, more importantly, thanks for telling me when I’m wrong.  Thanks for being there to discuss the really important things in life-like “Do giraffes get neck ache?”. You know I would go to the ends of the earth for you, especially if you’re meeting me there with Tequila. I hope I make you feel equally spesh (I’m not so good at expression soppy emotional shit, so I’m gonna stop now before it just becomes stupidly sarcastic and insincere). You’re all on at least a 3 year sentence so I must be doing something right?!

 BIG LOVE, FRIENDS.

 AND THANKS.

xoxo Micks

 

 

The year of 27.

Where I am: my bed

Listening to : Paramore ‘After Laughter’

Wassup dawgggss!!

WHAT A YEAR. Next week marks 3 years since I started sharing my word vomit with the world. It is also my 28th birthday. I seem to have made a tradition for myself in sharing lists around this time of year – normally things I’ve learnt. This year though I am going to share 27 things I loved about being 27; it’s a great way to say goodbye to my 27th year.

I started 27 off the saddest and have ended up the happiest. Life will throw all sorts of things your way but it makes you tougher, it makes you funnier (we all know I’m hilarious) and it makes the good times exponentially more magical.

So here it is, 27 things I loved about being 27.

I SAW PAUL MCCARTNEY AND RINGO STARR IN THE FLESH

I just so happened to be in Leicester square the same time they were. I was going to the theatre, they were there premiering their movie ‘Eight Days a Week’. I had to jump to see them, but I did. Be still my beating heart.

PRAHA

Since 2010 I have wanted to visit this magical city. An old friend had studied there for a year and his tales made me want to go. This year I did. Leanna turned 21, so we made a special trip. Such fun.

ARLO RALPH BOULTER

Nuff’ said

I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY OTHER 2 NEPHEWS EVEN MORE

Oscar has been the main man since 20/11/2011. He is the best kid, I laugh so much when I’m with him. I could cry with pride at the person he is becoming.

Mason-James – we started the year hating each other. We finished it as best friends. He is the dreamiest little guy.

I WAS VERY BRITISH AND HAD AFTERNOON TEA AT THE RITZ

Momma Sophs asked to go for her birthday so that’s what we did. I was far too common to be allowed in a place like that but I somehow managed to sneak in.

FRIENDS FEST

Naughty Norman made it happen last minute. I love that girl and loved that day.

OK LADIES NOW LET’S GET IN FORMATION

Beyonce pt 2. Croke Park, Dublin. Ain’t no party like a Queen B party.

NICK THE TIGER WAS IMMORTALISED ON MY WRIST

Many of you know we lost our boy Nick Lashaway in May 2016. This is my tribute to him.

I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN

I liked this, huh? Well, yes. It gave me clarity, a different outlook and a better direction. As a result of this…

I LEARNT WHO WAS TRULY RIDE-OR-DIE

And who is ‘ride until you do something I don’t like/agree with’

THE BOOK OF MORMON

I’d read the reviews, I’d seen snippets on Youtube but was yet to go. Was it worth the wait? Abso-fuckin-lutely. Hilarious, I laughed from the opening number right through to the finale.

CLIMBED THE 02

Miranda and Stevie had a little day out. Such fun!

I FELT THE LOVE

When I needed it most, even when I didn’t ask for it, I felt the love from my pals. When I felt like I was free-falling and couldn’t find solid ground they were there at the side saying ‘It’s right here’. Biggest shout outs go to Sophie, Leanna, Dalbs, Rachpal and the BFG.

HELSINKI

I finally got to go and see my bro and his hoe in their city.

ICE HOCKEY GAME

Y’all know I have lots of friends in the US of A. The only American sport I was really interested in was Ice Hockey. It may have taken 4 years but I finally got to a game. Thanks, Wilf!

I REALISED YOU DON’T HAVE TO RUN AWAY TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE

What is probably obvious to some was not so to me. I felt very stuck this time last year. Very unhappy with an injured heart. An old dream came back to me and I thought it would change everything. Until I realised it wouldn’t and the dream had changed. I was running away. It’s not necessary.

DISNEY

The most magical day.

DIANE ALICE LORRAINE GOT BOOKFACE

Many of you will not understand the significance of this. It’s HUGE..

I CAME OFF MY HAPPY PILLS

Happy pill free since Aug ’16.

I REDISCOVERED MY LOVE FOR MY WORK

It feels different this time; I’m so much happier. Sure there are still days I want to put my head through a wall but overall it’s all gravy baby.

INDIA WITH MIRANDA AND STEVIE

So this is happening. Our boss authorized us to be off at the same time saying “Please both come back in one piece as I can’t be down two store managers”
Michelle “Oh I’ll be fine but if she pisses me off too much I might sell her for a camel”
Charming.

FRIENDS AND FOOD

I found those friends that find it acceptable to eat dinner in one place and then go somewhere else for dessert. Hashtag winning. Next time we’re going 3 for 3 – starter, main and dessert at separate places.

DELETE

If anything is too much effort, delete. This goes for everything from Social Media (see ya, twitter) to friends.

NEW FRIENDS

I’ve spoken about this before but this year I made some new pals, ones that I wasn’t looking to make but now I wouldn’t be without them. Big up yourselves.

NICK LASHAWAY DAY

It was magical from start to finish and the most perfect way to remember him, big love to my American Fam for including me. I’m sure he would have been rolling his eyes at all the fuss haha.

ACCEPTANCE

The road to self love, and accepting yourself is a long one. I’d been unhappy for a long time. This year I feel like I have accepted myself more. It will no doubt always be a battle for me but I feel like I’ve made my biggest leaps down that road this year.

I LOVE LIFE

For someone that was unhappy for so long this is a big statement to make. 27 will always be the year that I fell back in love with life, I’m excited for the future.

Final thoughts:

Make the most of every single second. Be nice to people. Never go to bed on an argument and never mix your drinks!!

Thank you to anyone and everyone that has impacted my life in the last year, thank you to those I have learnt from. Thank you to those friends that have been there for the good and the bad, I am lucky enough to call some of the best people on the planet my friends. Thank you all for believing in me and seeing my light when I couldn’t see it myself (Amy Jayne, especially you here. You never stop telling me). I’m not quite sure what I’ve done to deserve you all but I am so grateful. I’m going into 28 with so much joy and gratitude in my heart.
Thanks for the adventures. Thanks for the laughs (Byng, especially you. Please never, ever change)

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

It’s been magic!!

Xoxo Micks

Happy Tears and Thank-Yous.

Location: Starbucks

Listening to: My ‘Musicals’ Soundtrack

Last night went like this.

5:30 – Home, spend the next hour hanging out with the fam and winding my BFF/ nephew MJ up (just for the record – when Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse comes on the TV and he runs up to me, arms raised to pick him up and dance with him to the theme tune is one of my favourite moments of the day)

6:30 – MJ and co leave to go home. Potter around for a couple of hours.

8:00 – Quick 10 min phone call with the BFG, chatting work and life

8:20 – BFG calls back with more news.

9:00 – Ready for bed (so yes, the answer to your question is I AM rock n roll), Netflix on. It’s a ‘The Big Bang Theory’ kind of evening.

9:15 – Another friend messages me to say ‘Thank you for being my friend’ we chat for a while

9:30 – Chat finished.

9:40 – I have been lost in my thoughts for the last ten minutes and suddenly find myself crying.

Yep, for no reason at all I just start crying.

WHO DOES THAT?

Then I start thinking, what is wrong with me? I have no reason to be crying. Why am I such a weirdo? I have always been a bit of a weirdo – I kind of like it to be fair – but more than a healthy amount of weird is the person that just starts to cry. They weren’t sad tears but rather happy ones, grateful ones. We all know happy tears are a thing but it isn’t something I recall affecting me too much. In fact I can tell you the four times I have ever been affected by happy tears.

  1. When my friends surprised me on my 18th birthday
  2. When Oscar was born
  3. When MJ was born
  4. When Arlo was born (which was actually today, the day I started this post)

That’s it.

4 times.

The happy tears came from a place of gratitude though. I was grateful. I AM grateful. I know it sounds odd but I have had a bit of a roller coaster these last six months. I left a job I thought I was done with, started a new one that I was a bit bored on but met some lovely people, rediscovered an old dream of living that Oz life, quit job, flew to America, decided I’d changed mind on old dream and came home in more ways than one.

I must have been a bit of a nightmare during that time. I know some of my nearest and dearest were worried my old friend depression would come knockin’ on my door again (he hasn’t) and were worried I’d regret my decision (I don’t) and thought I was having a mid-life crisis 30 years too early (my old/new bosses words and he isn’t completely wrong).

The support from the majority of people during these hectic few weeks and months has been sure and steady from those I always knew had my back and some I didn’t know did but was pleasantly surprised to find out they do. Of course there have a been a couple of people who have surprised me in an unpleasant way but I am choosing not to dwell on that, I’d rather move on from those people and leave them pre-breakdown.

I have written about the power of gratitude before. I’ve spoken about it to a few people. Thoughts become things – positivity breads positivity. Last night, after I got that message from my friend – which was completely unexpected – it triggered a non-verbal wave of gratitude. I don’t understand my emotions sometimes but last night I decided that I would write about it and list my thanks to my many family and friends that have been there for me this last while.

Role call please…

Mi familia – I apologise for freaking you out at 3am when I called to tell you I wasn’t going to follow the yellow brick road. Mel and DC, I’m glad I didn’t wake MJ up but to be fair you could have taken him to mum and dad’s as they had breakfast at 4am to ‘celebrate’. THANKS FOR BEING SO COOL WITH ME AND MY WAYS.

Mrs. Howman – the message you sent me when you found out I was coming home, made me cry – thanks for that. We’re so similar in so many ways, not just the fact that we were both Grandad’s favourites. We’ll always be cousins because of the whole ‘blood’ thing but I hope we’re always friends too.

Denise (or Dennis the menace) – who’d have thought that my very first supervisor at work would turn out to be such a good friend? 10 years is a long time to put up with anyone, especially when you work with them too. Thanks for always being there with a cup of tea to listen and tell me when I’m being a dick. You’re one of the few people I actually will listen to. We don’t really do emotions but I don’t think I’ve said thank you enough over the years.

Rachpal – Thanks for being my best friend. We’ve done a whole lot in the last 7 years but mostly we’ve laughed. We’ve laughed so much. An afternoon with you is the best tonic for most of life’s woes, even if you can’t fix it you’ll always try. You always keep me realistic when I’m chasing something. You’re not just a ‘yes’ person and I love that about you. Oh, and thank you for making your babies. I love them dearly.

The 4130 Rincon fam (Momma Sophs, Liseeee, WIlf) – you were all so cool during my breakdown, when the decision was made there was a simple “that’s cool, there’s no judgement. Just a margarita when you’re ready”. I know I’ll always have a safe place there with you if I ever need it and that puts so much peace in my heart. You are the greatest. Love you!

Markus – my brother. You were the one (along with Momma Sophs) that reminded to listen to me and what I wanted; no one else had done that for a long time. How you made out what I was saying during those voice notes where I was crying I’ll never know. Thanks for always being there to pick me up when I fall and to then push me back over again so we both have something to laugh at.

The BFG – I think I’m stuck with you whether I like it or not! You are one of the most genuine people I have ever met (and the most talkative) and you never tell me something just for the sake of it – you’re another person who isn’t just a ‘yes’ person. Thanks for taking losing the Oz holiday so well, at least we can adventure together now… oh the fun we’ll have! You’re a good egg, and I’m glad you chose me to harass all those phone calls ago at work. ( I know, I know HOW RUDE).

Humy – when you look at us we are so different, you are the glamorous, cool girl whilst I’m the dorky girl in comfortable shoes but somehow it works. It has since day 1. We might not see each other as often these days but I’ve survived a few personal shit storms with you by my side and visa versa. You’re incredible. Thank you.

Alice Lorraine – in the words of our favorite, Rick Astley “never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you” I realise that he means it in the romantic sense but it translates to friends too, kind of. Thanks for sticking around.

The best of the rest…

Byng – you are bloody brilliant. My life would be sooooo dull without you.

Mr and Mrs TayTay – thanks for offering me a home from home and thanks for always being supportive. Amy Jayne, you’re one of my biggest fans. Love you.

Charles in charge – There’s no one I’d rather singalong to T-Swizzle with.

The original 010 crew – you know I’m an idiot but you take care of me anyway. Thank you. I have never laughed at work with anyone more than I did with you.

Sophia and Leanna – I feel like I never see you anymore but remember you’re always my favourites.

J-RO, I miss the days when you and I could just hang out , the two of us. I miss you, friend. Thanks for the memories, we’ve had the best times.

Steph, RhiRhi, Ags – we’ve gone in such different directions and even though I am not much older than any of you – in fact I’m younger than one but won’t say which 😉 – we’ve never lost each other. There’s something really beautiful about that. I’m so proud to call you my friends.

Naughty Norman, you deserve your own shout out. You’re a top bird, cheers mate.

Heather, the sass queen, you’re bloody brilliant. Thanks for being you, crackhead.

In case you couldn’t tell I’m surrounded by some pretty f@ckin’ awesome people! I don’t know what I did to deserve it so I’m not questioning it, just saying thanks a bunch!

Something else I am also thankful for is to be going back to work! Around this time last year I was out with a friend and I remember saying “ I really love my job” and they replied “ I can tell”. I start back at work in a couple of weeks and I can’t wait to get back to feeling like that. Various things in last half of last year made me lose interest in work and I felt a bit bored with it all. I am going to be working for someone who I have a lot of respect for and surrounded by faces old and new. I’m so excited to be given this chance and to be out the house and interacting with everyone again for wholes days rather than just hours. To be working with friends again. Being unemployed is boring and I’m so bad at it. I think this is the best time to thank Netflix for keeping me company, though.

2017 is only 2 months in, and already I have so much to look forward to. I’m feeling good; life is good. 2017 holds a lot of potential and I’ll try and remember to say thank you every step of the way.

Oh, and to anyone else I may have forgotten… thanks

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