Now, I don’t pretend to be fashion-forward. I am not a slave to fashion in anyway. I am the opposite of that, whatever ‘that’ is called. A slob? I am basic, I’m not glamorous at all – I wish I was but I’m just too lazy. If the colours match and the clothes ‘go’ I’m good. I’ll only dress up if there is reason to, and even then I hate it.
I have friends that are whizzes with make up and always have hair that looks like they stepped out a salon. My hair generally looks like I’ve been dragged through a bush backwards, much to my sister’s dismay. Sorry, bro. My daily make up routine is concealer, bronzer and maybe a smidge of lip-gloss. My new job requires me to have a minimum of mascara and lip gloss on at all times – I went and got eyelash extensions because I don’t fancy poking myself in the eye with a mascara wand at 2am when I get up for the early shift (read: I’m just too lazy)
All of the above goes to show that I am not really in a position to judge people and their fashion choices, however, after seeing one too many people wearing socks and sandals at the airport I felt compelled to write this.
10 fashion trends I just don’t ‘get’
WHAT ARE THESE EVEN MEANT TO BE? Are they trainers? Are they plastic shoes with socks inside? Did a pair of Nike AirMax shag a pair of crocs and the Huarache trainer was their love child?
It continually baffles me that they are popular and that people genuinely brag about owning these shoes. They are so ugly. They offend my eyes. As soon as I see someone wearing a pair I begin to feel sorry for their parents; surely they didn’t raise their child to make such bad life decisions?
- Partial shaved head
Girls, what is this about? I don’t get it. Someone please explain. I’m yet to meet more than a handful of girls that can really pull this off. Can we all just take a moment to acknowledge that just because Rihanna pulled it off doesn’t mean we all can. So stop it. Please. Now.
- High heels that you can’t walk in
As a self-professed lazy fashionista I’m only in a heel on a night out/ dinner / date / special occasion. I might rock a heeled boot in the day during winter but other than that heels are relegated in favour of my Vans or Converse. When I do go shopping for heels and wear them, call me crazy; I always make sure I CAN ACTUALLY WALK IN THEM. Ladies, you don’t look sexy when you can’t walk in your shoes. You just look like someone shoved a pole up your butt, or Bambi on ice. Potato, potartoe. Also, just so you know, the trick to walking in heels is don’t bend your knees too much. You’re welcome.
- Nails that are super long
I’m gonna be real for a second – how do you wipe your arse when you’ve been potty? I’m genuinely interested to know. I’ve had acrylics that are a decent length before and struggled with everything from texting on my phone to doing my bras up. How do you girls do it with nails that are inches long? Pray tell.
- Facial piercings
Just no. On both sexes. The only piercing that is acceptable on the face is a nose piercing. (Tongue isn’t on the face before THOSE people get their panties in a bunch). Eyebrow piercings make you look like you’ve been in prison for assault. ‘Madonna’ piercings or whatever they are called makes you look like you’ve got a big spot that needs taking care of. Lip piercings… see my note on Madonna piercings. Although, actually, on the right person a lip ring can look kind of hot. That could be my inner 15 y/o emo talking though.
- ‘Fuckboy: the hair cut’
You all know what I mean. I’m sure, once upon a time, fashion was about individuality and expressing yourself. Trends come and go. This trend seems to have taken off on another level and is a trend that just WON’T LEAVE. You look like Phil and Lil from Rugrats. Stop it.
Please note: this is coming from someone who enjoys a man bun so I understand if you feel that this is a case of pot calling the kettle black.
- Louis Vuitton/Burberry Print product
Ruined by chavs everywhere. If you’re getting LV or Burberry product don’t get the prints. We all know it’s not cheap (if it’s genuine) but when I see these prints now it screams CHEAP to me.
- Ted Baker bags
Not a TB handbag but the one’s that look kind of plastic normally with a big bow on. The tote. Again. No. Just no. Someone needs to explain the reason most girls covet these because it is lost on me. Did I miss a memo?
- Poo coloured matte lipstick.
I’m a fan of a matte lipstick. My personal favourite is a red or a berry shade. Poop brown? Naaa bruv. Leave it alone. Why do you want to look like you’ve smeared poop on your lips? Also, it makes teeth look yellow. Take the poop lipstick out the make up bag and drop it down the loo with the rest of the poop where it belongs.
- Fake Uggs
Call me a snob (it’s find, I am) BUT WHY GOD, WHY? They last for all of 5 minutes, always fall at the back. It’s not a good look. If you must wear Uggs, do us all a favour and save all those £10’s you spend on the Primarni specials from September to March and treat yourself to some real ones. Both your feet and the eyes of the general public will thank you for it.
So there you have it, my top ten fashion fails. I will be judging you if you commit these fashion crimes. Do you agree with any of these? Would you add any others?
Oh, and before you all get offended, just remember this is my opinion. You don’t have to agree with it. I’m sure there will be around the same number of people that agree with what I have written here as the number of people with a brain and a conscious that think that Trump will make a good president.
Go forth and fashion, my dahlings.